Surviving the 2ww (barely)

It's been over a week since egg retrieval and embryo transfer.  Getting through each day has been difficult and I can honestly say this has been the longest week of my life.  Monday, after I recieved the phone call from the lab that our remaining embryos didn't survive, I was devastated.  But I still had to be at work within the hour so I didn't have  much time to process the severity or grieve.  I've felt over the past few months that I've been taking alot of blows with this whole trying to have a baby dream.  Despite 30plus consective months of failures and 4 failed procedures, we got back up on our feet to try again.  We saved months for one shot at IVF and here we are.  I swear God is really trying to mess with me and it's cruel.  Monday, after the phone call I was walking down the hallway with a patient.  I work at a medical center.  We were deep in conversation and I wasn't even paying attention to where we were walking until I looked up.  I was right in front of the office window for prenatal testing.  I saw many seemingly happy very pregnant soon-to-be mommies waiting.  I'm waiting too.....just to get pregnant.  I nearly had a breakdown but had to pull it together rather quickly since it's embarrassing and unprofessional to cry in front of patients.  

Fast Forward to Tuesday:  Our secretary gets a phone call asking if we can treat low back pain in pregnant women.  I was choking back tears as I told him the answer.  I would kill to be in her shoes.  I also couldn't even imagine how I'd possibly be able to treat this woman on my caseload.  I'm sure I'd end up crying everytime. 

Fast Forward to Wednesday:  I dreamt I was old.  Alone.  I was in a small room.  I seemed sad. I grew old, without making a legacy for myself and without anyone to care if I was alive or dead.  I dreamt of lonely holidays...Christmastime without anyone.

Fast Forward to Thursday:  I was on facebook and saw yet another newborn announcement, countless posts of friends' children, and an unwanted advertistement for DisneyBaby stating: "10 miraculous things you didn't know about pregnancy." This was the night I was up half the night because of severe stomach pains.  I was doubled over in pain contemplating going to the ER.

Fast Forward to Today:  I am taking a continuing education course this weekend that was planned way before we scheduled IVF.  As bad of a weekend for it to be, I used it as an opportunity to get my mind off waiting....at least that's what I thought.  There's a pregnant woman in the class waaaay younger than me.  I overheard her giggling about with each of her pregnancies her husband has gained the same amount of weight as her.  I was so incredibly jealous....she's oblivious and so lucky that she even can get pregnant.  Then an hour into the class the instuctors started talking about pregnancy.  It's a mobilization class for the neck and we were reviewing precautions.  What could have been 2 sentences, turned out to be THREE stories about their wives pregnancies.  Everyone laughed...but me.

I've been trying to pass the time and stay optomistic.  I'd say I've succeeded by about 50% of the time.  The other  half is filled with obsessive internet searches about thing IVF related, boredom,  worrying and praying.  I've tried think about how I'd react if the test is negative.  Each time I either end up crying or have to change the subject in my head.  It's too devastating.  But I NEED to be somewhat prepared, if that's even possible.  I've tried to think about doing this all over again.  HOW could we afford it...COULD I even handle it physically and emotionally again?