I'm writing this blog with a very heavy heart.  As everyone knows, Chris and I have been pursuing our dream of a family for over 30some plus months.  We've been under the care of a professional for well over a year and have tried everything under the sun....even herbal remedies and old wives tales to get pregnant.  We've failed 4 procedures prior to our recent IVF trial and have had our hopes and dreams come crashing down on several occasions.  However, as hard as it was, we did not give up.  There were times when I didn't think it was humanly possible to make it through this alive, times when I became severely depressed and discouraged.  We painstakingly saved for the past year for this one shot at having a baby.  At one point I worked 3 jobs, one which I absolutely HATED.  We scraped up every bit of money and gave up alot of things.  We did it thinking there'd be an end in sight and that all our hard work would be rewarded.  It made every bad day at work and every struggle we had during that point seemingly worth it.  Infertility is stressful enough, worrying about money makes it that much harder.  

I knew going into this there were no guarantees, but if we wanted a family of our own, it was the ONLY way.  I went into this cautiously optimistic.  Some may have classified me as being a bit of a pessimist.  I'd get so angry at people who told me to have hope...as if I didn't?  Hope is ALL I ever had.   Never would I have threw myself under the bus, drained my bank account, and made myself vulnerable if I didn't have hope.   The people telling me this weren't the ones who had to live through months and months of heartache - procedure after failed procedure.  I did.  I lived through it all and no one wiped my tears or hugged me when I sobbed.  So please don't tell me to have hope.  

As you've probably guessed from the sound of this post, our recent IVF was a big fat failure.  We got what the infertility crowd calls a BFN (big fat negative). I've had a pretty good sixth sense about all my procedures and pregnancy attempts.  Sadly this was no different.  I don't know why, but I just knew it failed.  I just knew. I have put every ounce of hope, mustered every bit of strength for this, and I came out the loser.  We have no money left and it takes alot of it to have a baby when you're infertile.  Things most of you reading this have taken for granted.  I can't tell you how angry I am at half of you reading this right now.  You all are living MY dream and have NO idea what a day in the life of this is like.  All I ever wanted in life was a family of my own.  I worked so incredibly hard to have a good life.  I went to college, was responsible, saved money...all for nothing.  I am no better off and feel little desire for life as it is now.  It hurts so bad I can't breathe.  

I just wasted $16,000 on nothing but a freaking period. I took absences from work and put my body through hell for nothing.  It's easy for anyone who's not in my shoes to say remain hopeful when they aren't the ones going through painful, embarrassing and expensive procedure, stabbing themselves with needles, taking time off work, and going through hormonal changes on a day to day basis.  It's not easy.  So the room next to ours still remains empty.  I would have been due December 3rd.  Again, Christmas will be with empty arms.  I'm going to spend another mother's day childless while the rest of the world carries on.  I may never know what it' like to be pregnant or to read my child a bedtime story.  I don't know what will happen next.  I thought I prepared myself for this scenario but I was dead wrong.  Nothing can prepare you for this.  Sadly, other than maxing out our credit cards we don't have the money to try again.  Is it worth that for the chances of another potential failure and heartbreak?  Then we could be bankrupt and still childless, paying debt for years for something we don't even have.  Chris is in his 40's and in exactly 2.5 months statically my fertility drops another 20some percent.  Unless someone has very good advice how to acquire money, is willing to donate it or has some guarantees, please don't offer advice.  I do however appreciate all your love and support throughout this ordeal.  My wounds are only getting deeper and my scars will never completely heal.  No matter what this pain will always be a part of me.