Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Running in circles



As much as I need the comfort of family and friends right now I can't bear to face anyone.  Sobbing isn't going to make our situation any different and that's all I can do right now.  Face to face I always have a hard time coming up with the right words to say.  I've always been that way.  My mouth works faster than my brain I suppose.  But I've never had much of a problem with written words.  I enjoy writing and I think I'm actually pretty good at it sometimes.  But today I find myself at a loss for words.  I have so many thoughts racing through my mind and none of them seems to make any sense.  Since I can't seem to be around anyone, using my blog as a form of "therapy" is all I have.  I just want answers to questions that can't be answered.  Why me?  What did I do to deserve this?  It's incredibly easy to feel angry at the world, resentful towards others and sorry for yourself when a life trauma is thrown over and over in your face.  I can't say I'm not guilty of feeling this way.  I've played life by the rules, think I'm genuinely a good person, and these are the cards I've been dealt?  I know there's people whose life circumstances are far worse than mine...I try to be grateful for the life I have, yet it seems so pointless because I don't feel it's complete.  Why does it seem so easy for others?  Why do people seem to take for granted what's right in front of them?  

I'd be lying if I said I was ok.  In fact, I'm far from it.  I know that my pain will lessen with time but my scars will always remain.  The only cure for me is to have the child I so badly want and even then this will still always be a huge part of my life.  At one point I was happy we were one in 8 couples struggling with infertility.  You may ask why.  I always thought we'd beat it early on and have our kids, but that's far from true.  I was happy because I felt our struggles with infertility were shaping me into being a better person.  I'm learning compassion and empathy firsthand.  I'm learning not to take simple things for granted.  I'm learning how good some people really are.  I thought these struggles would teach me an important life lesson and that I would value and cherish my children more than the average person once I had them.  It would make me be a better parent.  But now I'm not so sure.  Infertility is ugly.  It's bringing out the negative side of me too.  I'm angry at God (if there is one) and the world.  I'm resentful towards people I love because they have what I don't.  I don't want to be around people with children because that reminds me what I can't have and what a failure I am.  I don't want to be around people who are happy because I'm miserable.  I don't want to hang around friends that are younger than me because I'm mad they have time on their side.  It's selfish and it's not fair to them.  As if living with infertility isn't bad enough, it makes me feel like a horrible person for having such negative emotions towards people who are important to me.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy and never in a million years did I think I'd be where I am today.  I imagined my life very differently.

For some strange reason I had a sixth sense that this trial of IVF failed.  I had a gut feeling and I don't know why.  I did my best to stay cautiously optimistic.  I was scheduled for my beta (pregnancy blood test) this past Tuesday....exactly 2 weeks after the egg retrieval.  Every day I took a pregnancy test, knowing very well they aren't accurate this early in the game....it was alluring because sometimes they are.  I imagined how I'd tell Chris we were about to have our dream baby, running to show him my first double lines.  I imagined how I'd tell our parents they were going to be grandparents.  That never happened.  Each day I kept getting a negative, only to convince myself tomorrow would be the day.  Monday morning was my last home test and I knew time was running out.  I knew many women had already gotten their positives by now.  I was at work Monday and was scheduled till 6:30.  It was supposed to be another busy day of patients but luckily I had a few cancels at 3:00 and 4:00 so I had a few free hours.  Then it happened.  I went to the bathroom and started bleeding.  At first a little but then (sorry if this is tmi) it was gushing.  Obviously something was wrong.  You aren't supposed to bleed that badly if you are pregnant.  I was also taking progesterone supplements and you aren't supposed to get your period while on them.   I knew I was losing the pregnancy...if there even was one.  I'll never know.  I called the doctor's office and got the voicemail.  I called back again and explained the situation to the secretary.  I asked to speak with the emergency on call doctor because something clearly was wrong.  Her response:  "well....first of all this isn't an emergency.  I'll transfer you."  She transferred me to the same voicemail I already called.  I was horrified and still can't get over how I was treated!  I was losing my entire life's dream before my eyes and there was nothing I could do!  But what could I do?  I had 5:00 patients.  I have already been missing work for doctor's appointments and just can't risk losing my job.  It pays my bills and afforded me my first IVF trial.  I wanted to cry SO bad but I work with all male coworkers....none of whom know what's going on.  I couldn't leave and couldn't cry in front of patients.  This was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  But I did it....I stayed and completed my day.  The minute they all left I cried and pretty much continued this pattern since Monday.  I didn't sleep at all Monday night.  I took the test Tuesday because the doctor (who I did end up talking to) said I should. I worked Tuesday, choked my tears back for a few hours then came home to receive the call from the doctor's office with my results....as if I didn't already know.  I STILL have yet to speak with my doctor.  In fact, I probably never will.  Apparently he's "slowing down".  I spoke with his colleague and briefly discussed my concerns I was having with the clinic.  Monday we have our post IVF consult to further discuss what could have went wrong and I will continue to express my concerns.  Friday I made an appointment with RMA for second opinion.  I am nervous and anxious to get some answers.  

I'm not at the point where I can give up yet but this struggle is so hard.  At times I don't know how I'm going to survive, how I'm going to make it through the day or even the next hour.  Simple tasks take great effort.  Getting dressed and going to work seem insurmountable.  Life isn't supposed to be this unhappy.  I know that if I don't try again I'll always regret it.  In 2 months my chances of conceiving statically drop about 15%...pretty scary since we already have had so many failures.  How will I handle another?  Our first step is to find some answers, get a few more opinions (at another cost I'm sure...each consult runs about $350) and then chose our next doctor carefully.  I have to remember I'm interviewing them.  They just got paid thousands of dollars that I earned just to give me the period from hell.  After that our next hurdle is to find the money (again) to pay for it all.  It does come at a price. We paid around 11,000 of our own money for IVF and used a 2,000 grant I won from BabyQuest for medications.  The remainder of the medications were covered under insurance however my benefits ran out.  We drained our savings and are starting from scratch.  Time isn't on our side and I feel like I am in a race to come up with it.  For all you reader out there, any suggestions are helpful.  I've thought of everything....is it tacky to have a fundraiser and ask for money?  At this point short of begging, if it gets me closer to my dream I'll do it.  

5 comments:

  1. I am really sorry that you are in such a low place right now and wish that some suggestion would fix it. I feel your pain about not wanting to be around anyone else. I just found out that another attempt today, getting my period at work. I kept a stiff upper lip to make it through work but pretty much crumpled on my way home. I even helped a snake out of the road before it got squished and thought, see God what a great person I am, why can't we have a baby? I had to keep my sunglasses on while walking the dog in the rain because I didn't want anyone to ask me why I was crying. And who is the first person we encounter on our walk... a jolly pregnant woman jogging! My emotions have totally paralleled your post today, thanks for writing. One thing that keeps coming back round to me is what my Mom used to tell me when I was little "Well, life just isn't fair." Somehow this makes me feel less ungrateful when I'm crying about it.

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  2. When you do your search for Fertility Clinics... there is one in Allentown that is very nice and highly recommended. RMAPA.COM

    Here is the link to my boss' daughter
    http://www.rmapa.com/Community/Patient-Stories/Erika-s-Story.aspx

    thinking of you....Kelly

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  3. It is not tacky or horrible to ask for money if that is what you feel will get you closer to your dream. You have to just keep your head high and fight even harder until you get what you want.

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  4. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I've just read through a lot of your blog posts and I really relate to you a lot. I am an occupational therapist and we've been trying for a little over 3 years. I have 3 failed IVFs under my belt and am in the 2ww for #4. It doesn't get easier, but you know that. Hoping and praying for peace and direction for you. A plan helps. It sucks to not know what to do.

    Lots of love,
    Ann

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  5. I wish I had the answers for you - as I would use them myself! Your words completely touch me and I feel as if you are writing exactly what is in my heart!! I have been trying since 2008 in one way or another to have a baby. I have had 1 failed IUI and 2 failed IVF's and all the money has run out for a third attempt. My husband just lost his job and therefore we lost any fertility benefits we had left. My job offers no fertility benefits. I have been questioning God and asking "why me" every day. I don't know if it's comforting to know there are others out there like you. Sometimes I think that helps me - other days not so much. I almost started to cry at my niece's recent birthday party cause all the kids gathered around for pictures and sing Happy Birthday. It killed me to not see my kid with them. It isn't fair.

    I hope you can find peace with things soon. I hope you find the right path. I can't ask my family for any money for another try. I already owe them so much. If you can open up to them and they can afford it - why not ask? I am almost "there" to know having a family is not in the cards for me. I don't want to accept it, but what other choice do I have?

    Wishing you nothing but good things.
    Carolyn

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