Running in circles

As much as I need the comfort of family and friends right now I can't bear to face anyone.  Sobbing isn't going to make our situation any different and that's all I can do right now.  Face to face I always have a hard time coming up with the right words to say.  I've always been that way.  My mouth works faster than my brain I suppose.  But I've never had much of a problem with written words.  I enjoy writing and I think I'm actually pretty good at it sometimes.  But today I find myself at a loss for words.  I have so many thoughts racing through my mind and none of them seems to make any sense.  Since I can't seem to be around anyone, using my blog as a form of "therapy" is all I have.  I just want answers to questions that can't be answered.  Why me?  What did I do to deserve this?  It's incredibly easy to feel angry at the world, resentful towards others and sorry for yourself when a life trauma is thrown over and over in your face.  I can't say I'm not guilty of feeling this way.  I've played life by the rules, think I'm genuinely a good person, and these are the cards I've been dealt?  I know there's people whose life circumstances are far worse than mine...I try to be grateful for the life I have, yet it seems so pointless because I don't feel it's complete.  Why does it seem so easy for others?  Why do people seem to take for granted what's right in front of them?  

I'd be lying if I said I was ok.  In fact, I'm far from it.  I know that my pain will lessen with time but my scars will always remain.  The only cure for me is to have the child I so badly want and even then this will still always be a huge part of my life.  At one point I was happy we were one in 8 couples struggling with infertility.  You may ask why.  I always thought we'd beat it early on and have our kids, but that's far from true.  I was happy because I felt our struggles with infertility were shaping me into being a better person.  I'm learning compassion and empathy firsthand.  I'm learning not to take simple things for granted.  I'm learning how good some people really are.  I thought these struggles would teach me an important life lesson and that I would value and cherish my children more than the average person once I had them.  It would make me be a better parent.  But now I'm not so sure.  Infertility is ugly.  It's bringing out the negative side of me too.  I'm angry at God (if there is one) and the world.  I'm resentful towards people I love because they have what I don't.  I don't want to be around people with children because that reminds me what I can't have and what a failure I am.  I don't want to be around people who are happy because I'm miserable.  I don't want to hang around friends that are younger than me because I'm mad they have time on their side.  It's selfish and it's not fair to them.  As if living with infertility isn't bad enough, it makes me feel like a horrible person for having such negative emotions towards people who are important to me.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy and never in a million years did I think I'd be where I am today.  I imagined my life very differently.

For some strange reason I had a sixth sense that this trial of IVF failed.  I had a gut feeling and I don't know why.  I did my best to stay cautiously optimistic.  I was scheduled for my beta (pregnancy blood test) this past Tuesday....exactly 2 weeks after the egg retrieval.  Every day I took a pregnancy test, knowing very well they aren't accurate this early in the game....it was alluring because sometimes they are.  I imagined how I'd tell Chris we were about to have our dream baby, running to show him my first double lines.  I imagined how I'd tell our parents they were going to be grandparents.  That never happened.  Each day I kept getting a negative, only to convince myself tomorrow would be the day.  Monday morning was my last home test and I knew time was running out.  I knew many women had already gotten their positives by now.  I was at work Monday and was scheduled till 6:30.  It was supposed to be another busy day of patients but luckily I had a few cancels at 3:00 and 4:00 so I had a few free hours.  Then it happened.  I went to the bathroom and started bleeding.  At first a little but then (sorry if this is tmi) it was gushing.  Obviously something was wrong.  You aren't supposed to bleed that badly if you are pregnant.  I was also taking progesterone supplements and you aren't supposed to get your period while on them.   I knew I was losing the pregnancy...if there even was one.  I'll never know.  I called the doctor's office and got the voicemail.  I called back again and explained the situation to the secretary.  I asked to speak with the emergency on call doctor because something clearly was wrong.  Her response:  "well....first of all this isn't an emergency.  I'll transfer you."  She transferred me to the same voicemail I already called.  I was horrified and still can't get over how I was treated!  I was losing my entire life's dream before my eyes and there was nothing I could do!  But what could I do?  I had 5:00 patients.  I have already been missing work for doctor's appointments and just can't risk losing my job.  It pays my bills and afforded me my first IVF trial.  I wanted to cry SO bad but I work with all male coworkers....none of whom know what's going on.  I couldn't leave and couldn't cry in front of patients.  This was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  But I did it....I stayed and completed my day.  The minute they all left I cried and pretty much continued this pattern since Monday.  I didn't sleep at all Monday night.  I took the test Tuesday because the doctor (who I did end up talking to) said I should. I worked Tuesday, choked my tears back for a few hours then came home to receive the call from the doctor's office with my results....as if I didn't already know.  I STILL have yet to speak with my doctor.  In fact, I probably never will.  Apparently he's "slowing down".  I spoke with his colleague and briefly discussed my concerns I was having with the clinic.  Monday we have our post IVF consult to further discuss what could have went wrong and I will continue to express my concerns.  Friday I made an appointment with RMA for second opinion.  I am nervous and anxious to get some answers.  

I'm not at the point where I can give up yet but this struggle is so hard.  At times I don't know how I'm going to survive, how I'm going to make it through the day or even the next hour.  Simple tasks take great effort.  Getting dressed and going to work seem insurmountable.  Life isn't supposed to be this unhappy.  I know that if I don't try again I'll always regret it.  In 2 months my chances of conceiving statically drop about 15%...pretty scary since we already have had so many failures.  How will I handle another?  Our first step is to find some answers, get a few more opinions (at another cost I'm sure...each consult runs about $350) and then chose our next doctor carefully.  I have to remember I'm interviewing them.  They just got paid thousands of dollars that I earned just to give me the period from hell.  After that our next hurdle is to find the money (again) to pay for it all.  It does come at a price. We paid around 11,000 of our own money for IVF and used a 2,000 grant I won from BabyQuest for medications.  The remainder of the medications were covered under insurance however my benefits ran out.  We drained our savings and are starting from scratch.  Time isn't on our side and I feel like I am in a race to come up with it.  For all you reader out there, any suggestions are helpful.  I've thought of everything....is it tacky to have a fundraiser and ask for money?  At this point short of begging, if it gets me closer to my dream I'll do it.