Putting all my eggs in one basket: VENT SESSION
It's 3:00am and I can't sleep. It could be from my cat who's surprisingly snoring louder than my husband, but most likely it's from everything that's on my mind. This morning was hard. I got the call from the lab that all of our remaining embryos, what I considered future potential babies, died. Friday, they weren't doing so well as they were only 4 cells and should have been 8. I was skeptical then, but still hopeful. Still - it hurts to hear that news. Even though these embryos were only a few cells and a few days old, they were still mine and held the only ticket to my dream of parenthood. Now they are gone. Did you know that as soon as an egg is fertilized, the genetic DNA already dictates sex, looks and even mannerisms? I'll never know what they could have been. All that love and work and they are gone. I read a few days back that usually only 30% of embryos actually survive. Despite that I was still praying and hoping that I'd have something left to freeze in case this cycle fails and I don't get pregnant from the two that are inside of me now. It's SO disappointing. I'm so angry at my doctor. All along, they had me believing I'd have tons of embryos...even alluding that I'd have some to freeze for future brothers and sisters. There's nothing more hurtful than false hope. I wish they'd have prepared me better for THIS. It was never mentioned. Clearly I've never done this before so I rely on them. That's why they get paid the big bucks.
Like anyone waiting for life changing news that could potentially be the best news ever or the worst ever, my mind flip flops back and forth between hopeful and hopeless. I make stupid deals with myself and God about what I'll do and the kind of person I'll be if this works. Silly. Everyone keeps telling me to think positive but they aren't the ones who have to live with the devastating consequences if things end badly. Also, these are also the people who already have children and can in no way relate to this pain. Who's gonna pick me up off the bathroom floor this time from a sobbing mess? NO ONE wants this more than me. No one. Hope is all I have. I know there's only a 40% chance of me being pregnant with this cycle and I'm hanging onto every ounce of hope there is. But that being said, I need to be prepared if this fails. We have NOTHING left. We have no more saving and no other options. Saving money for this IVF cycle was painstakingly slow and I've already waited so long... and we are only getting older. I simply can't bare to wait again.
I know I have 2 perfect embryos inside of me now. Chances seem great since they are formed so well and my body is in good shape reproductively speaking. But as I've learned the hard way more than several times, NOTHING is guaranteed. At one point the doctors had me convinced my IUIs would work and all my friends and family were positive too, but look where we are now. Reality is that things don't always go as hoped for and I know that better than anyone telling me to remain positive. I've cried thousands of tears and not one person who's told me to remain positive has been there when I'm nothing but a hot mess and not one of those persons can guarantee me what I want so badly. So while I'm trying to remain positive that this cycle is going to work, I also need to be realistic for sanity sake.
Nothing is guaranteed and I get the impression that everyone that knows we are doing IVF thinks it is. No one has provided me any advice or comfort about what to do if things end badly, yet people seem to have no problem getting my hopes up talking about my future children. That's more cruel than dangling a piece of steak in front of a starving person. Who does that? I've done everything right with this cycle, listened to doctor's orders strictly and have hoped and prayed to God more than a nun prays on Sunday. But life isn't always fair. If this were guaranteed just because I'm a good person and have tried so hard, explain why I'm not pregnant yet after nearly 3 years of relentless trying and yet crack moms can have kids? And many couples who'd make fantastic parents try and try for children....and nothing. This just proves that it could go either way and mentally if I'm not somewhat prepared for the worst I don't know how I'll pick up the pieces. This one cycle alone cost upwards of $16,000....not an easy task to save for on our salary or for most people. We DON'T have the money again and that scares me to death. It's not fair that my potential to have a family is solely based on my salary. Unless you are willing to give me $16,000 please don't be condescending and tell me to think positive.
On another note, I wanted to politely ask to refrain from asking when I'll know the results. While I've made my battle very public, but this is something that is private between Chris and I. I don't need to feel pressure to tell people we are or aren't pregnant. There's so much pressure already. While I'm happy that everyone is pulling for us, we need to deal with the results as a couple first...no matter what happens. If it's positive I want the joy of telling people in my own way. Afterall, I've waited SO long to give good news. If it's negative, I need time (lots of it) to grieve and to think of a back up plan (if there is one). There's nothing worse than having to tell a million people your biggest dream failed...50 times. I can't possibly relive the nightmare each time I tell someone. I only want to say it once because it's just too hard.
Again, thank you all for supporting us. I know this isn't the most positive post but it's how I feel about what's going on. I appreciate all the kind words and prayers.