Tuesday, September 11, 2012

September marks the two year point we have been trying....without success.  Can anyone blame us for being sad, pessimistic, heartbroken, jealous and bitter at times after so many months of failure after failure?  Especially when for others, having children happens so easily and is often taken for granted.  It still stings when friends talk of their pregnancies and babies on social media, or worse, in front of me. How could it not?  But over the past year, both of us have grown thicker skin.  In just a few short months, I've grown so much as a person.  I do my best to no longer take simple things for granted and have learned to appreciate the things I do have.  Yet, I still want more....I want what everyone else in this world wants and that's to have children of my own.  

Despite all my "practice", it's still difficult to compose myself at times when people (often patients at work), innocently ask if I have children.  What do I say?  Usually, it's a simple "no, but we will one day".   (Often they gape at me when they hear my age and follow it with a comment of "well you better hurry up".)  REALLY?!@!  I am in the minority.  Most of them, as well as most of my friends and family already have kids...many of them at a young age.  Non of them could ever begin to fathom what it's like to not be able to have something you desperately want.  What I really want to say in response to this loaded question is "I've tried to have children, to have what you have and probably take for granted....for 24 long months.  I can't because we are infertile.  There is no way you could have any idea how painful that is."  Sometimes even the simplest questions can be heartbreaking.  So no, I am still not perfect and at times still become emotional around friends and family and even strangers, but for the most part I can deal on a much better level....at least in public.  I can finally make dinner dates with friends and their babies without bursting into tears.  I've come a long way and am a better person for it.

So where are we now?  Chris and I have been in a holding pattern for the past few months.  I must say, it's been nice to not be poked and prodded and in pain....something my husband takes for granted.  I still think of our situation several times a day, but while my life has been turned upside down from it, it hasn't been completely consumed by it lately.  When in the midst of taking medication with side effects (I still can't get rid of the 10 pounds I put on with the last rounds of meds) and rushing to the doctor 3 times a week before work, it's easy to let it take over your life.  We are taking a break for sanity sake....but also mainly because we don't have the $15,000 it takes for ONE trial of IVF.  Chris has been working alot of overtime and I've been working 3 jobs in order to save money.  We are almost up to our goal....if nothing goes wrong in the meantime.  The monkey wrench is that this October I'll be taking a new position at work and am not sure of how flexible my schedule will be.  Doctor's appointment are very frequent and many times last minute with just a few hours notice...not exactly the best situation to be in at a new job.  I am also debating if I want to cycle around the holidays.  Last Thanksgiving and Christmas were without a doubt AWFUL for me.  Everyone else was enjoying the holidays while I was getting a quick reality check into the life of infertility.  I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with that again.  If it's a success, it would be the best holiday ever....but if it's a failure, it could be the worst.  We don't have a plan B if our IVF fails, at least not yet.  We are taking one step at a time.  I am debating whether or not to cycle in November, December or January and have to weigh my options for each.  Only time will tell.....