Tuesday, September 11, 2012

September marks the two year point we have been trying....without success.  Can anyone blame us for being sad, pessimistic, heartbroken, jealous and bitter at times after so many months of failure after failure?  Especially when for others, having children happens so easily and is often taken for granted.  It still stings when friends talk of their pregnancies and babies on social media, or worse, in front of me. How could it not?  But over the past year, both of us have grown thicker skin.  In just a few short months, I've grown so much as a person.  I do my best to no longer take simple things for granted and have learned to appreciate the things I do have.  Yet, I still want more....I want what everyone else in this world wants and that's to have children of my own.  

Despite all my "practice", it's still difficult to compose myself at times when people (often patients at work), innocently ask if I have children.  What do I say?  Usually, it's a simple "no, but we will one day".   (Often they gape at me when they hear my age and follow it with a comment of "well you better hurry up".)  REALLY?!@!  I am in the minority.  Most of them, as well as most of my friends and family already have kids...many of them at a young age.  Non of them could ever begin to fathom what it's like to not be able to have something you desperately want.  What I really want to say in response to this loaded question is "I've tried to have children, to have what you have and probably take for granted....for 24 long months.  I can't because we are infertile.  There is no way you could have any idea how painful that is."  Sometimes even the simplest questions can be heartbreaking.  So no, I am still not perfect and at times still become emotional around friends and family and even strangers, but for the most part I can deal on a much better level....at least in public.  I can finally make dinner dates with friends and their babies without bursting into tears.  I've come a long way and am a better person for it.

So where are we now?  Chris and I have been in a holding pattern for the past few months.  I must say, it's been nice to not be poked and prodded and in pain....something my husband takes for granted.  I still think of our situation several times a day, but while my life has been turned upside down from it, it hasn't been completely consumed by it lately.  When in the midst of taking medication with side effects (I still can't get rid of the 10 pounds I put on with the last rounds of meds) and rushing to the doctor 3 times a week before work, it's easy to let it take over your life.  We are taking a break for sanity sake....but also mainly because we don't have the $15,000 it takes for ONE trial of IVF.  Chris has been working alot of overtime and I've been working 3 jobs in order to save money.  We are almost up to our goal....if nothing goes wrong in the meantime.  The monkey wrench is that this October I'll be taking a new position at work and am not sure of how flexible my schedule will be.  Doctor's appointment are very frequent and many times last minute with just a few hours notice...not exactly the best situation to be in at a new job.  I am also debating if I want to cycle around the holidays.  Last Thanksgiving and Christmas were without a doubt AWFUL for me.  Everyone else was enjoying the holidays while I was getting a quick reality check into the life of infertility.  I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with that again.  If it's a success, it would be the best holiday ever....but if it's a failure, it could be the worst.  We don't have a plan B if our IVF fails, at least not yet.  We are taking one step at a time.  I am debating whether or not to cycle in November, December or January and have to weigh my options for each.  Only time will tell.....


  1. SO happy to hear from you. Anniversaries always suck...along with the questions about when you are going to have children. I am sorry you have to deal with that. My heart goes out to you guys. I was happy to hear of your plans and will be keeping you in my thoughts as you make those decisions revolving around your IVF cycle. Wishing you the best!!

  2. I have a blog that has a very similar URL as yours. I named my Journey To The Bump. That's how my friend who wanted to check for my updates stumbled across yours.

    I have gone through similar phases as you did, therefore I understand and empathize. I know how it feels to have people telling you "have you seen a fertility specialist?", "have you done this, have you done that?". And God help me when someone announce their pregnancy. I get it.

    If you need a listening ear, someone to share this long journey, I'm happy too.

    Keep your chin up.

  3. Our first IVF cycle failed unfortunately and it was a major punch in the gut. We are in our second round now. If this fails, we are taking a break before doing our third and final round. Someone asked me how I can quit so quickly and my answer is this "We have been trying for 16 months and in the past 16 months we have tried more procedures than most couples do in 3 years". Plus, I'm not quitting, just taking a much needed break.

    The IVF meds have really put weight on me and I would like to take time to get some weight off if this next round doesn't work - also for my sanity I need a break. IVF is a very complex and detailed process; HOWEVER, I will say that the second round is MUCH easier than the first. I am begging for a baby literally. I want nothing more than to get the happy news of a pregnancy this month, have a healthy baby in 2013 and THEN worry about getting my weight down. This would be the perfect time line of events for us but of course nothing is ever easy.

    A couple weeks ago, I received the news of pregnancy #24!! Yes, I keep count. This has all been just in the past year. I have a Christening to go to in 2 weeks and a baby shower to go to the week I will find out if IVF worked. This will be baby shower #6 this year but the last one I chose not to go to. I already said yes to this shower so I'm hoping I have happy news so that I can attend with a smile on my face.

    Good luck when you start IVF. You mentioned debating on whether to start November, December, or January. May I offer my suggestion? Being someone who has been through it, I would choose to wait until after your holidays have passed.....this is another reason we are not going to try a third round of IVF until next year. I want to be able to enjoy my holidays and not deal with the poking and prodding, meds, daily doc appts, etc. Of course, this is just my opinion. I love the holiday season. I sure hope you and your husband get a better outcome then we did our first round!! We had 8 embryos and 6 died off fairly quickly. When I say they died off, I mean they didn't progress any further. The two that did progress struggled and never made a full blastocyst but we transferred them anyway. After all, we did all the work to get to that point!

  4. We just completed our second round of IVF and are now in the 2ww. This time we had 2 grade A embryos which we did not last time. All I have to do is hope they made a blastocyst after the transfer and hope my uterus accepts them. My husband and I decided that if we hit the two year mark and we are not pregnant, we are going to accept it and move on. Many women are lashing out at me for that but I feel it's a personal choice. Everyone is different. Not everyone is cut out for 5, 6, 7, years of TTC. It's very easy for someone who is already a mother to tell me how I should feel or act. I told my husband I really can't see us continuing after two years. We still have 7 more months for that though. If this round of IVF fails, we have one more round that we can do. After that, I'll have to speak to my doctor on what the next steps will be.