Saturday, August 30, 2014

Why are we broke?

If I injured my knee, would you think it's foolish of me to have surgery so I could walk or run better?  If I had a hard time seeing, would you think it's stupid to have corrective surgery?  How about getting braces because my teeth are a mess?  Or what about surgery for children with cleft palate?  Do you think it's frivolous to have weight loss surgery for someone whose overweight and tried every way possible to lose it?  My thought is that most would answer no.  Of course these things aren't trivial. They aren't life threatening but who could say they aren't still important.  Why?  Because they affect quality of life.  But what about having a baby for someone who can't?  Not being able to conceive also isn't life threatening but then again, most things we seek treatment and try to correct aren't.  The ability to have children and use our reproductive system the way God intended is often taken for granted.  If you had to answer one question:   what is most important to you in life", what would you say?  My guess is that the majority answered that question with one word....FAMILY.  So doesn't that make not being able to have one a pretty BIG deal....especially when you're on the side who can't or has difficulty?   And why does it seem to be "no big deal" to insurance companies who lack coverage for infertility treatments? And why does it seem "no big deal" to some people when I talk about infertility and our struggles to have our daughter or even another child? Why is it often brushed under the rug, or not given any attention?  Why is it that because I may a second child after I struggled so hard with the first often remarked with "well at least you have one".  Why when I make a comment about having another that I am seen as greedy and ungrateful since I was lucky to have one?  It's true, I AM lucky and happier than words can describe but I'd like the chance, like everyone else has to have a sibling for our daughter.  Sure it's "no big deal" until it happens to you.  I am bringing this up because the other day my husband was talking to a group of people and mentioned we are on a bit of a tight budget since we just got done paying thousands of dollars to be able to have our daughter.  The response from one person in the group:  "well that was your choice."  It was said with a tone of disdain, quite possibly judgement, and overwhelmingly unsympathetic.  Even if it wasn' sure came across that way.  My husband was made to feel judged and criticized for our choice to spend our money on having a family...something most people take for granted that they can do for FREE and on their own schedule.  Would you be upset if you went to a concert and no one had to pay to get in but you?  Of if you worked as hard as everyone at work but were the only one who didn't get a raise or promotion?  Of course you would be upset.  Imagine how we felt when we had to pay and struggle for something that seems like everyone else can get so easily for free.  While spending the money was our choice, being stuck with infertility WASN'T.  In my opinion, spending money to have a child is not equivalent to going broke by spending all your money on a car or house you couldn't afford.  Yet it came across this way.  Being chastised for our choice of how to spend our money after we had no say in having this disease was cruel, painful, unappreciated and quite frankly none of their business.  Spending money to fix bad teeth or a bum knee isn't life threatening but who would argue it's not important?  How come trying to fix a broken reproductive system is seen differently?  It's very easy to pass judgement and chastise someone when you've never lived a day in their shoes.  Having children isn't for everyone, but to some people it's everything.  

Monday, August 25, 2014

It's been some time since I last posted.  Ever since our last IVF was successful and the birth of our little miracle, I've been contemplating whether or not to keep the blog going.  I have mixed feelings about it. I've lived the life of someone who's failed several treatments.  I know what month after month of disappointment and depression over failed cycles feels like.  I know how someone else's joy can be inadvertently painful for myself.  I don't want my joy to be the cause of someone else's sadness or another reminder of how their treatment didn't work, but mine did. I've been there and it's painful.  I guess on the flip side, I'm living proof that sometimes things do work out in the end for the painfully long as it can be sometimes.  As difficult as our journey has been, in retrospect I wouldn't change a thing.  It has given me the gift of insight...I've learned how precious having your own family can be and not to take it for granted.  But the fact of the matter is that even though we finally have what we wanted after all these years, infertility STILL affects me deeply, baby or not.  I didn't realize that finally having a baby doesn't cure infertility or the emotions that come along with it.  Even though most of my "wounds" have healed, some scars still remain.  For what it's worth, every tear I shed (and there were LOTS), every needle I injected, every uncomfortable and embarrassing test I endured, every penny I spent, and every moment of worry and sadness were all worth it.  Most couples all want children for the same reasons.  We were no different.  Sure we worried, like most, that things can be pretty hard at times but in the end I'm glad to realize I was 110% right that I'd love being a mom.  For all of you still out there still struggling to realize your dreams, if you have enough fight in you (and enough money for treatments), DO NOT GIVE UP as it's 110% worth every bit....that I can promise.