I was recently browsing the internet and came across someone else's blog about their struggles with infertility and thought I'd share bits and pieces.  It's a letter someone else has written to their friends and family.  It about sums it up for me.

Dear Family and Friends, 

I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don't understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand. 

You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled. 

My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I've spent years avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can't conceive. I was hoping this was going to be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing.

My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I'd been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family? 

My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I'm frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I'm never a parent? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can't my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I'm afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.

My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible my pain is. Even though I'm usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I'm losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I'll survive this.

My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Often others forget this too.  Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby?  Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self-confidence and to feel ashamed. 

My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I'm angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I've always taken care of it. I'm angry at my partner because we can't seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me.  I'm angry at my medical caregivers, because it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am. How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me? I'm angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn't cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can't miss any more work, or I'll lose my job.   Although I may joke about infertility to help myself cope, it doesn't seem as funny when others joke about it. Please don't tease me with remarks like, "You don't seem to know how to do it." Don't trivialize my struggle by saying, "I'd be glad to give you one of my kids."It's no comfort to hear empty reassurances like, "You'll be a parent by this time next year." Don't minimize my feelings with, "You shouldn't be so unhappy." For now, don't push me into uncomfortable situations like baby showers or family reunions. I already feel sad and guilty; please don't also make me feel guilty for disappointing you. Finally, I'm angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.

I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I've never cried so much nor so easily. I'm sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I'm sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I'm sad that I've ignored many friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I'm surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids' movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless. My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and my long-term future seems impossible.The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees.  It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees. 

Eventually I will be beyond the struggle of infertility. I know my infertility will never completely go away because it will change my life. I won't be able to return to the person I was before infertility, but I also will no longer be controlled by this struggle. I will leave the struggle behind me, and from that I will have improved my skills for empathy, patience, resilience, forgiveness, decision-making and self-assessment. I feel grateful that you are trying to ease my journey through this infertility struggle by giving me your understanding.

Day 4

Today is day 4 of injections. I'm still on 300 units of Gonal F and 10 of LDHCG, prenatal vitamins and aspirin.  I'm getting used to the injections and "just do it" because I know this is what I have to do to have a baby.  Some people just have sex...I have to poke myself with hormone filled needles, have surgery and be poked and prodded by strangers.  Any woman who has gotten pregnant the "normal" way has no idea how hard this is, has no right to judge and has no right to give me advice.  Words can't describe what this feels like, physically and emotionally.  

Being afraid of needles, pain and blood I had no idea I'd be strong enough to be able to give myself injections.  I am proud of myself. It just goes to show that if you want anything bad enough, you'll do  ANYTHING to get it.  


 I had my first appointment post-injections this morning.  Luckily all my appointments so far have been before work, allowing me not to miss.  This has been a stress in the past and I've been lucky enough to avoid it.  My check up went well.  I didn't receive a call from the office which is a good thing as my bloodwork must have come back with good hormone levels.  My ultrasound already showed about 10 follicles forming (5 on each ovary)....after only 3 days on medicine.  10 is a good number but I am hoping for more...alot more.  Each follicle has the potential to hold an egg inside. I think I read that only 80% of follicles actually contain an egg and not all are mature or good quality....so while 10 seems like a good number, it's making me nervous.  If this fails we can doubtfully do this again.  I've been doing pretty good up until lately.  I'm starting to have some anxiety....not about the surgery for egg retrieval.... but about my eggs. Will I have enough?, will all become fertilized?, will the fertilized eggs grow (not all do)?, will I have enough to be frozen in case this first attempt fails?  These are all thoughts I recently have.  Luckily retrieval is only a few days away so I don't have long to think about it...but it seems like a lifetime.  

Ever wonder what over $5,000 of medication looks like?  It's hard to believe that most of this stuff will be going into my body in less than two weeks.  Chris and I saved and paid for IVF with alot of hard work and patience.  While I don't want to advertise the exact amount we paid, it was in excess of over $10,000....not exactly extra pocket money for our tax bracket.  We were luckier then most when it comes to the medication.  Unlike most people, I had some insurance coverage which covered all but about 1,500 in copays.  The remainder was donated by a non for profit organization called BabyQuest.  It also sounds like they may be able to help us with our medication copay which would really help.  While this journey is extremely taxing emotionally and physically, it is also quite expensive so any amount helps.  If we are blessed with children we do not want to start off on the wrong foot if possible.  We would like to be responsible and not deplete our entire savings.   When you want something SO incredibly bad, that's a hard choice.  A few months back I entered a contest to have assistance with the financial aspect of IVF.  We were upfront and honest about our struggles and finances.  While we make a good living, it's still expensive.  We knew if we were patient enough we'd be able to come up with the money eventually, however we've already waited over 30 months.  They helped us achieve our goal quicker.  When dealing with something so emotional, time is not friendly and has a way of wearing on you.  I am forever grateful for this gift and hope to someday be able to repay them in some way.  Sadly, there are many people who are probably much worse off than Chris and I.  Sometimes it seems that only the wealthy can have babies with IVF.  I encourage anyone in our situation to take a chance and reach out to organizations such as BabyQuest because you just never know.  There are good people out there who are willing to help and you may be the lucky one.  

Yesterday was my first official day of injectable medications.  I had my initial ultrasound and bloodwork and everything looks fantastic.  Last night I started two injections daily:  one of a medication called Gonal F and another called LDHCG(low dose HCG).  I've been getting pretty good at giving myself injections, although I still don't like it. Monday I go for another checkup and blood work and will possibly start a third injectable.  I'm also taking my prenatal vitamins, a round of azrithromycin, and have a baby aspirin daily as part of my protocol.  Currently the medication I'm on now is a FSH or follicle stimulating hormone that helps the ovaries to produce more eggs...hopefully LOTS of them so they can later be harvested.  THe LDHCG helps to prevent OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome).

Here's some things I learned about IVF medications.  THEY'RE EXPENSIVE!!!  I recommend that anyone without insurance coverage call around and check with pharmacies what their "cash price" is.  Just like with anything, you shop around.  I've found that the pharmacies that only deal with infertility medications really were my cheapest route versus a bigger pharmacy such as CVS or Walmart.  I've also learned that there are many different drugs to choose from.  For example Gonal F, Follistim and Bravelle.  Essentially these drugs do the same job but may vary in cost by hundreds of dollars.  I've also learned about a place to receive medication from the UK at quite a bit of a discount (www.ivfmeds.com).  

So far I'm holding up great.  I have some pretty supportive friends who've helped me along the way and  act as my cheeleaders.  My attitude and frame of mind has been positive and I'm doing my best to eat healthy and exercise.  In a little over a week I anticipate having surgery for egg retrieval.  In the mean time I'm just taking things a day at a time.  

TESTS TESTS AND MORE TESTS

What's in store for me today....?  I have a few hours of time to pass waiting to have my second hysteroscopy.  I've been up half the night either anticipating it or having nightmares about it.   I can't wait until it's all over (I also can't wait to eat since I'm not allow to until afterwards).  14 months ago, we met with our reproductive endocrinologist for the first time.  It's hard to imagine it's been that long when some things seem just like yesterday.  One of my initial diagnostic tests was a hysteroscopy.  Most people probably have never heard of this procedure and the majority of women will luckily never have it performed.  I went into the test a bit blind, not something I usually do.  I tend to do more research.  However, for whatever reason I didn't this time.  I was told the procedure was "routine" and basically not a big deal (maybe it's routine for a surgical team, but not the average Joe).  I remember being told that I could take some Advil prior to the procedure to cut back on any pain I may experience.  I'm not sure why but pain never crossed my mind....I was so wrapped up in finding a diagnosis.  Once I arrived at the surgical center things were put into more perspective.  I remember signing a consent form that discussed all these horrible side effects, etc... I started to become a bit more anxious when I saw people walking around in surgical scrubs and even more when I was asked to change into a gown and hat.  I was wheeled into the OR room and nearly had a panic attack.  I've been in the OR before but was usually drugged up on some kind of anesthetic so I don't remember much.  Being awake the images of these "things" and "tools" really flooded my mind.  I was horrified because I saw so many weird gadgets and I didn't know WHAT they were used for.  Sometimes the unknown is worse because your imagination goes wild.  I felt like I'd just been wheeled into a medieval torture room or was in the movie Hostel.  

I was not given any pain medication, anesthesia, or sedation.  I was wide awake the entire time, literally strapped to a table with 2 legs straps on each leg and and abdominal strap or two (I can't remember)...all I can remember is that I couldn't move.  The nurses and doctors were buzzing around and I remember being scared and confused about what was happening.  They gave me very general instructions of what was going on, however I was writhing in so much pain that I could't hear or process a damn thing.  I remember that a male nurse had to physically hold me down.  Even though I was only in there about 10 to 15 minutes, it seemed like an eternity.  I don't get it....why do they give anesthesia for a colonoscopy and an endoscopy and every other kind of -scopy but not this?  I was outraged I wasn't even given the option....had I known it was that horrid I would have signed up despite all the consequences of anesthesia.  I later (a bit too late ) found out I could have had anesthesia but they discourage it due to side effects of anesthesia, you need someone to drive you home, the procedure is usually brief, and it doesn't always hurt some women.  Absolutely absurd for the ones it does....since then I have read it's more painful than natural childbirth.  The good news is that if I ever do get pregnant, I can tell you I CANNOT handle that and want as many drugs as possible.  I've had a few wrist surgeries in the past and even had surgery for appendicitis but this pain was dull in comparison.

I'm sure the above pictures give you an idea of what I'm talking about. WHO would want that inside of them....awake?  It friggin hurts!!  It's bad enough being invaded with internal ultrasounds, uterine biopsies, and exams but this doesn't come close.  Anyways, my point is this:  do your research and find out what you are in for and what your options are.  I wish I had.  Unfortunately since it's been so long since my last hysteroscope, I have the pleasure of doing it all over again today.  All I can say is thank god for drugs and I hope they work well. 

Things aren't always what they seem.

I learned that lesson in life...many times over.  Whether it's a job interview, a date, or having a baby, most people have an idea in their head of how things will pan out.  I never envisioned that we'd have trouble having a baby.... but here we are, 29 months later.  The ideas in my head of how this would happen were totally different and much more traditional.  Never did I imagine I'd need a team of people to get me pregnant.  The thought of hormones, doctor's offices and "test tubes"(really it's a petri dish), never crossed my mind when it came to conception.  It just goes to show that you can plan anything as much as you want, but ultimately whatever happens will happen.  I believe that's what has taken me so long to finally take the plunge and commit to the IVF process.  No matter what I do or how great my team of doctor's are, no one is truly in the driver's seat.  It's pretty scary knowing that something you want SO badly, you have little to no control over.  It's pretty damn hard to throw expectations out the window but I'm trying so badly.  The worst consequence in all this isn't the thousands and thousands of dollars I shelled out, the painful procedures or sleepless nights....it's throwing out my expectation that this will work.  While we have a good chance, it's still no guarantee and all the effort could be for nothing.  

Just to re-cap where we've come from:  
    - 29 months of "trying"
    - 1 failed clomid cycle
    -2 failed IUIs (with clomid)
    - 1 failed IUI (with injectable medication)
Clearly we are no longer rookies in this journey. Thursday I finally decided to make the call to the doctor's office.  We've taken a hiatus from baby planning for alot of different reasons.  Mainly financial since it's so damn expensive.   My original plan was to do IVF in October but we didn't have the money.  Then it was November but I didn't want to be faced with potential disappointment over the holidays.  Then it was January, but we STILL didn't have enough money and I started a new job.  Then it was March and come hell or high water, I was going to make it happen.  I knew from our IVF consult this past summer that they wanted a month notice in order to have enough time to acquire all the medications. What I DIDN'T realize is that since we waited so long we need to be re-tested before we can start IVF in March....that means we start NOW.  Believe it or not our last rounds of tests were in 2011!  I wasn't expecting that.  I was asked to come in the very next day for updated testing and have the rest of February to finish it up.  We need updated blood values for hormones and communicable diseases, updated ultrasounds, updated semen analysis and the dreaded updated hysteroscope....the VERY test that made me almost give this all up because it was so horrible.  I have a repeat test soon and the anxiety over it as already started since I know what to expect and it's not pretty.  I've been pretty calm about this whole situation the past few months since I've been a bit removed from it, but the MINUTE I walked into the doctor's office, all those negative emotions came flying back with vengeance and seem to be here to stay.  I didn't miss them.  The other downfall is the stress it's already starting to place on our relationship.  I will be the first to admit this is not an easy journey to deal with as a couple.  Even though we are diagnosed with male factor infertility, I'm still the one who must endure all the tests, procedures and medications.  Words can't describe how frustrating that is and how alone I feel in this process.  

I was also given my medication list.  I knew I'd be on alot of hormones....but didn't realize how many until they were written in front of me.  I feel like an old person, taking so many drugs and all.  All together it's 9 different medications...most hormones and many are injectables.  As we all know, I don't do needles but apparently I'll have a cocktail of 4 or so different types of needles.  And my husband gets.....nothing.  As it turns out BabyQuest (the organization that was going to help with with medications) may come through afterall.  I am forever thankful because it's alot of money.  To pay for IVF, yesterday I wrote out a check that was more money than our house downpayment and I nearly had a coronary.....and that's only for the IVF, not medication.  It took me over a year to save just for this one chance.  I called a few different pharmacies and the cost will be in the thousands for one round of IVF.  Upwards of over $6,000.  I have some insurance coverage but definitely not that much.  Whatever I can't acquire via BabyQuest or my insurance I will have to somehow come up with before March 1st (our official start date).  Yesterday I had to start birth control pills.  Weird.  For those that don't know what the IVF process entails, it's so they can have complete control of your cycle and when you start IVF.  It took me awhile to process this because after-all we are trying to have a baby...not prevent one!  

I've made it through the holidays alive!!!   It's been quite the stressful time with starting a new job and dealing with all the emotions of being childless....again..... for the holidays.  I can't even begin to explain how much stress was raging through me but I've dealt with it and it's dwindling down.  In retrospect,  the new job may have been a helpful distraction as hard as it is.

Lately I've been M.I.A because I've been battling with my own demons of IVF.  A few things I'll share:    I've had a great deal of people contact me in my same situation for moral support or advice since I've started blogging.  I felt genuinely GOOD about helping someone out there, like myself, dealing with these same demons and emotions.  That was the very purpose for this blog....as well as to vent frustration and educate.  I can't tell you how it warms my heart, that my story hits home for some people and gives them the courage to get through the day knowing they aren't alone.  Infertility can be a lonely world out there, even though I know it affects millions.  BUT I've also had some "not so nice" comments.  I'm sure people take things out of context, just can't relate, or are just plain mean and insensitive.  BUT REALLY??.....you can't keep your mean comments to yourself is what I am really thinking.  If they'd take the time to read this WHOLE blog instead of excerpts, they just may grow some compassion.  I'm not sure why, but it severely hurts my feelings to think someone looks down upon me for my struggles and judges me when they could never imagine a day in my life.  It made me want to STOP blogging but I'm still here.  

Also, a few people I've been in contact with via my blog are now pregnant.  While I'm ecstatic for them, it's just plain hard to be left out and still........W A I T I N G and no farther along than I was months ago with our journey.  I can't even begin to process all those feelings in my head, let alone write it down.  



SO....where are we in the journey now?  I've been saving over a year to have enough money and we are nearly there.  Our grant we received for medication may not go through due to the donator (NOT Babyquest) backing out.  Time will tell and I will be in touch with the folks from Babyquest to see what they can do.  I'm still thankful to them regardless for thinking of me and getting my story out there.  Needless to say we may be on our own for everything, should this fall through.  My plan is to start IVF early March.  IF all goes as planned I should have egg retrieval and implantation mid March and should have the results by the end of March.  The next two months are going to be LOOONG.  I've been out of the loop with invasive medical appointments and don't miss it.  Soon will come all the poking and prodding as well as all the emotions of dealing with this situation.  It's been awhile since I've been forced to deal with it.  

In preparation for the big day, I've recently given up all caffeine (NO COFFEE!!!), white sugar, and all alcohol.  I've also re started my prenatal vitamins and exercising regularly.  Whether or not it makes a difference, I don't know, but as least I'm doing everything I can.  

For most, IVF is the last and FINAL chance for a baby.  I know it's ours.  I can honestly say I don't know what I will do if it fails.  I'm not sure how and IF I'll be able to pick up the pieces and don't know if we can do it again.  But I do know that within the next two months, I will be thinking about it ALOT.  

The past few years Christmas season have always been a stressful time of year for me.  Besides the fact that I'm busy like everyone else is trying to work and to find time and money to shop for gifts, I'm also thinking overtime about our infertility.  This is my third year that I hoped I'd either be pregnant or have a family for Christmas.  For most, Christmas revolves around children so I feel very left out and sad that I don't yet have what I want so badly.  It doesn't help that I can count over 5 people off the top of my head that just had newborns or are pregnant.  It seems the pregnancy and baby announcements are a daily occurrence.  And while I know I'll be doing it once I finally have my family, it doesn't help getting Christmas cards with pictures of children, babies and families.  The other stress come from the fact that just because I don't have children, doesn't mean I'm not busy too.  I have a career, interests, hobbies, and responsibilities too.  Sometimes it frustrates me that others with families take advantage that.  Why are my responsibilities any less important than theirs just because I am childless?  Why do people always assume I have more money to spend for the holidays or for day to day things because I have no children?  Why am I always the one to travel to meet up with people or for the holidays?  I agree that maybe I have a cleaner house with no toys cluttering the living room and take extra vacations because I don't have children....but for the past 2 1/2 years, this hasn't been my choice.

To put things into perspective (if you have children) how I feel now:  the amount of time and intensity you spend loving your child and doing things for them, is the same amount of time and sadness I have thinking about and dealing with our infertility.  It isn't as easy as turning off a switch. Try having that hang over your head when everyone else seems to be enjoying the holidays.  

I can't wait until it's my turn to be busy with changing diapers, or trying to find a sitter, or being stressed out because my child is sick, and freaking out because I have no time for myself.  I have no doubt these things are difficult but I welcome them.  I'd take that any day over living through what I feel now.  I just hope that I have a few close friends who will remind me of this when I start freaking out to them or posting complaints of facebook when I have a family.  Something tells me that the first few people who remind me of this will be the people who LEAST understand what I'm going through now.  I feel that my putting my thoughts out for all to hear is like condemning myself from never being able to complain or to have a bad day when (and if) I have children.  I'm sorry but living 28 months through testing, poking, prodding, uncertainty, sadness, guilt, anger, loss, embarrassment, jealousy, and grieving gives me a bit of a license to complain a bit from time to time.  Everyone is entitled to complain, but it's the people who complain about their life and kids that don't think before they say something or don't first acknowledge how lucky they are that bothers me.  

As the year ends, there is a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel.  Chris and I were one of the finalists for an IVF grant though a non-for-profit organization called Baby Quest.  We were one of 4 chosen recipients!  For me this is the most amazing thing...someone actually read, understands, acknowledges and is willing help with what we are going through.  I'm still not sure of what we have exactly won but it appears that we will be getting some help with medication costs (which can range from $2,000 to $6,000).  We will be responsible for the remaining $11,000 for the actual IVF procedure.  While this is exciting that our IVF is around the corner (I'm hoping for March), it's also a scary time too.  For those who've never dealt with infertility, they see this as only amazing and exciting and while it is, it's also horribly scary.  Obviously we hope and think IVF will work, but there's also a small chance that it won't.  It is NOT a guarantee.  I know this all too well with living through a few other failed procedures (IUIs) and 20some plus months of trying on our own.  It never gets easier. Ever.  And the more effort you put into it, the harder you fall.  This IS our last resort like any other couple who seeks IVF.  There ARE no other options for us to have a biological child.  Sure, we could try again, but coming up with $15,000 again isn't easy.  Sure we can adopt, but that also costs $20,000 to $30,000 too.  Besides, even though I may have a baby by the end of it, I'm am definitely NOT looking forward to juggling work and doctors' appointments 3 to 5 times a week, shooting myself with needles, side effects of hormones, painful surgery to retrieve eggs and having strangers invading my personal life and body.  I know going through this is essential but something about a foot long needle up my who-ha to retrieve eggs doesn't seem like fun to me and THAT is why I have mixed feelings.  But bring it on because I'd rather try and not succeed than not try at all.  What I could get out in the end will be my greatest reward.