Saturday, February 2, 2013

Things aren't always what they seem.

I learned that lesson in life...many times over.  Whether it's a job interview, a date, or having a baby, most people have an idea in their head of how things will pan out.  I never envisioned that we'd have trouble having a baby.... but here we are, 29 months later.  The ideas in my head of how this would happen were totally different and much more traditional.  Never did I imagine I'd need a team of people to get me pregnant.  The thought of hormones, doctor's offices and "test tubes"(really it's a petri dish), never crossed my mind when it came to conception.  It just goes to show that you can plan anything as much as you want, but ultimately whatever happens will happen.  I believe that's what has taken me so long to finally take the plunge and commit to the IVF process.  No matter what I do or how great my team of doctor's are, no one is truly in the driver's seat.  It's pretty scary knowing that something you want SO badly, you have little to no control over.  It's pretty damn hard to throw expectations out the window but I'm trying so badly.  The worst consequence in all this isn't the thousands and thousands of dollars I shelled out, the painful procedures or sleepless's throwing out my expectation that this will work.  While we have a good chance, it's still no guarantee and all the effort could be for nothing.  

Just to re-cap where we've come from:  
    - 29 months of "trying"
    - 1 failed clomid cycle
    -2 failed IUIs (with clomid)
    - 1 failed IUI (with injectable medication)
Clearly we are no longer rookies in this journey. Thursday I finally decided to make the call to the doctor's office.  We've taken a hiatus from baby planning for alot of different reasons.  Mainly financial since it's so damn expensive.   My original plan was to do IVF in October but we didn't have the money.  Then it was November but I didn't want to be faced with potential disappointment over the holidays.  Then it was January, but we STILL didn't have enough money and I started a new job.  Then it was March and come hell or high water, I was going to make it happen.  I knew from our IVF consult this past summer that they wanted a month notice in order to have enough time to acquire all the medications. What I DIDN'T realize is that since we waited so long we need to be re-tested before we can start IVF in March....that means we start NOW.  Believe it or not our last rounds of tests were in 2011!  I wasn't expecting that.  I was asked to come in the very next day for updated testing and have the rest of February to finish it up.  We need updated blood values for hormones and communicable diseases, updated ultrasounds, updated semen analysis and the dreaded updated hysteroscope....the VERY test that made me almost give this all up because it was so horrible.  I have a repeat test soon and the anxiety over it as already started since I know what to expect and it's not pretty.  I've been pretty calm about this whole situation the past few months since I've been a bit removed from it, but the MINUTE I walked into the doctor's office, all those negative emotions came flying back with vengeance and seem to be here to stay.  I didn't miss them.  The other downfall is the stress it's already starting to place on our relationship.  I will be the first to admit this is not an easy journey to deal with as a couple.  Even though we are diagnosed with male factor infertility, I'm still the one who must endure all the tests, procedures and medications.  Words can't describe how frustrating that is and how alone I feel in this process.  

I was also given my medication list.  I knew I'd be on alot of hormones....but didn't realize how many until they were written in front of me.  I feel like an old person, taking so many drugs and all.  All together it's 9 different medications...most hormones and many are injectables.  As we all know, I don't do needles but apparently I'll have a cocktail of 4 or so different types of needles.  And my husband gets.....nothing.  As it turns out BabyQuest (the organization that was going to help with with medications) may come through afterall.  I am forever thankful because it's alot of money.  To pay for IVF, yesterday I wrote out a check that was more money than our house downpayment and I nearly had a coronary.....and that's only for the IVF, not medication.  It took me over a year to save just for this one chance.  I called a few different pharmacies and the cost will be in the thousands for one round of IVF.  Upwards of over $6,000.  I have some insurance coverage but definitely not that much.  Whatever I can't acquire via BabyQuest or my insurance I will have to somehow come up with before March 1st (our official start date).  Yesterday I had to start birth control pills.  Weird.  For those that don't know what the IVF process entails, it's so they can have complete control of your cycle and when you start IVF.  It took me awhile to process this because after-all we are trying to have a baby...not prevent one!  


  1. Hi Rachel - I am in the middle of an IVF round and was just googling some infertility stuff and came across your blog. I am not sure who you are planning on doing your IVF with? But if you are going to Main Line Fertility they participate in a medical plan called Careington - you can find info on - if you joinn careington (for $29 a month) IVF with MLF is $4900 instead of $9500 - hard to believe but I just paid and it's true. They do not advertise this, my friend told me about it. Just wanted to pass along - best of luck!

    1. Anonymous,

      I was a patient with Main Line Fertility as well (Dr. Glassner). I did two rounds of IVF with them plus all the preliminary tests and IUI. I would recommend them to anyone. I have not one complaint about any of the staff or their handling of our situation.

  2. Hi Rachel,

    Just stumbled across your blog. I just had a hysteroscopy yesterday, again without anaesthesia and although it was no where near as horrid as yours was [Hubby was allowed in to hold my hand and it was carried out in a much less scary setting -just a treatment room)] I am feeling sensitive today and I also felt a bit uncomfortable last night.

    I also have an HSG booked for today which I think can be a bit more uncomfortable, thank goodness Hubby will be there to hold my hand again so I can give it a good squeeze at the ouchy parts.

    We are the same as you, MFI (alongside my PCOS) and it feels very odd for us girls to be having all the tests when it's not our infertility! But, as a couple we work together.

    We are going to start our IUI next month-I send you my very best wishes for March's IVF for you guys. It sounds like you are very tired out by this journey Rachel, does your clinic offer free support group meetings? I know ours does, as well as other places in our city; Houston. ALthough I must admit, I a freaked out by the idea of sharing my feelings with a lot of new people. Just because they are also havign fertility treatment doesn't make them my new best friends!

    Best of luck x

  3. Hi! I really like your blog.Thanks for sharing Rachel.
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