Tuesday, January 29, 2013

I've made it through the holidays alive!!!   It's been quite the stressful time with starting a new job and dealing with all the emotions of being childless....again..... for the holidays.  I can't even begin to explain how much stress was raging through me but I've dealt with it and it's dwindling down.  In retrospect,  the new job may have been a helpful distraction as hard as it is.

Lately I've been M.I.A because I've been battling with my own demons of IVF.  A few things I'll share:    I've had a great deal of people contact me in my same situation for moral support or advice since I've started blogging.  I felt genuinely GOOD about helping someone out there, like myself, dealing with these same demons and emotions.  That was the very purpose for this blog....as well as to vent frustration and educate.  I can't tell you how it warms my heart, that my story hits home for some people and gives them the courage to get through the day knowing they aren't alone.  Infertility can be a lonely world out there, even though I know it affects millions.  BUT I've also had some "not so nice" comments.  I'm sure people take things out of context, just can't relate, or are just plain mean and insensitive.  BUT REALLY??.....you can't keep your mean comments to yourself is what I am really thinking.  If they'd take the time to read this WHOLE blog instead of excerpts, they just may grow some compassion.  I'm not sure why, but it severely hurts my feelings to think someone looks down upon me for my struggles and judges me when they could never imagine a day in my life.  It made me want to STOP blogging but I'm still here.  

Also, a few people I've been in contact with via my blog are now pregnant.  While I'm ecstatic for them, it's just plain hard to be left out and still........W A I T I N G and no farther along than I was months ago with our journey.  I can't even begin to process all those feelings in my head, let alone write it down.  

SO....where are we in the journey now?  I've been saving over a year to have enough money and we are nearly there.  Our grant we received for medication may not go through due to the donator (NOT Babyquest) backing out.  Time will tell and I will be in touch with the folks from Babyquest to see what they can do.  I'm still thankful to them regardless for thinking of me and getting my story out there.  Needless to say we may be on our own for everything, should this fall through.  My plan is to start IVF early March.  IF all goes as planned I should have egg retrieval and implantation mid March and should have the results by the end of March.  The next two months are going to be LOOONG.  I've been out of the loop with invasive medical appointments and don't miss it.  Soon will come all the poking and prodding as well as all the emotions of dealing with this situation.  It's been awhile since I've been forced to deal with it.  

In preparation for the big day, I've recently given up all caffeine (NO COFFEE!!!), white sugar, and all alcohol.  I've also re started my prenatal vitamins and exercising regularly.  Whether or not it makes a difference, I don't know, but as least I'm doing everything I can.  

For most, IVF is the last and FINAL chance for a baby.  I know it's ours.  I can honestly say I don't know what I will do if it fails.  I'm not sure how and IF I'll be able to pick up the pieces and don't know if we can do it again.  But I do know that within the next two months, I will be thinking about it ALOT.  

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