Sunday, July 1, 2012

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our heads of how it's supposed to be.....

It wasn't supposed to be like this.  I've imagined over and over in my head of how it would be to start a family.  Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine this.  And I never imagined it may never be.  Everyone keeps telling me to "stay positive", "don't give up", or "it'll eventually happen - have faith".  Well no one but God can promise that.  These are just empty statements to make me feel better - but they don't.  Don't people think I have been hanging on to every ounce of hope I possibly can for the past several months?  Eventually, failure after failure beats you down and Chris and I are the only ones who understand how it feels like to be disappointed time and time again.  I am hopeful that we'll have a family someday and do my best to stay positive - but it's harder than anyone could possibly imagine.  No one but me has to re live my sadness and disappointment each and every month.  I invest an extraordinary amount of time, thought, effort, money and emotion with each month of preparing for something that never happens.  What if our dream of parenthood never does happen?  I'm terrified of the thought.  The truth is for alot of people it doesn't happen.  I also keep hearing...."it only takes one [sperm]". But think about the odds.  Millions and millions of lottery tickets are sold each day but only ONE is a winner.  How many people lose?  Having one lone sperm out of millions of malfunctioning one's do the job has the same odds of winning the lottery.  People need to remember this is a medical condition and statistics are not on our side.  People also need to realize that God doesn't just hand out babies if you are a good person.  Look at all the crackheads with babies.  I can pray all I want, but reality is that I still may come out empty handed.  

For most people, getting pregnant and having children is routine.  I thought it would be for us too.  I never envisioned having to inject myself with hormones among countless other things just for a chance to have a baby.  Even when starting fertility treatments, I never realized how hard they would be.  Everyone, including myself at one point, just thinks that they do a few simple tests, a few simple procedures and BAM, you have a baby.  Everyone "expects" treatments to work.  This is NOT the case.  I expected my first IUI attempt to work.  When it didn't I learned real quick that my expectations needed to change.  I think just about every one of my friends and family expected us to be pregnant by now....and especially after our 4th IUI.  I can plan alot of things in life, but I'm learning I can't plan or expect anything when it comes to this.  The more you expect things to be a certain way, the harder you fall when it doesn't turn out that way.  I have to be the one to pick myself up when I fall.  I am the one who has to function normally, go to work, be near friends and family, like nothing ever happened after I hear a negative result.  I'm the one who has to take the phone call from the doctor, only to hear "I'm sorry, but it didn't work this time." I'm the one who has to deal with stabbing myself with needles, endure painful procedures and annoying side effects from medications and I'm the one who has to wait around for my cycle to inevitably come every month as another reminder of our failure.  Some days I can barely do it and I do a pretty damn good job at pretending I'm happy when I'm aching inside.  

I never expected I'd be making a baby in a petri dish or that I'd have to pay $15,000 just for a chance of becoming pregnant.  I never expected any of this.  I am hoping within the next few months, we will have enough money saved up to try one cycle of IVF.  Chris and I fall within the lucky 3% of people seeking fertility treatments who require IVF.  When you pay so much money, invest so much time and effort, you "expect" it will work.  I haven't prepared myself for what will happen if it doesn't work.  I don't know how to do this.

1 comment:

  1. It seems like everytime a new procedure or method is tried, we automatically expect it's going to work because it's something we've never tried before. As for people saying "stay positive" first IUI was unsuccessful and I was 100% positive it worked. The more positive we are, it seems the more crushed we are when we don't get our desired result; therefore, I disagree with that statement in its entirety. People telling me to "not think about it" is making me nuts. It's making me so angry. If one of my friends approached me with sad news that one of their family members was diagnosed with cancer or any other illness, I sure as hell wouldn't say to them "well, just don't think about it. It'll work out". Infertility is an illness. It's amazing how in a short two month period I went from being naive to bitter. The bitterness comes from the lack of support with people. People don't take 10 minutes out of their life to ask me questions or to get a better understanding as to what we are dealing with but they are all so quick to tell me I'm stressing myself out. How can someone possibly make that judgement call when they don't even know the details of our situation because they don't ever ask?

    Our second round of IUI will take place next week. My doctor has prescribed me 150 milligrams of Clomid as assistance. Previously, I had trouble ovulating but the past 2 months I ovulated on my own. During an HSG, it seems a slight blockage in my left fallopian tube was eliminated. My tubes are clear now. Our first attempt at IUI failed even though we have no more complications. It seems we are officially in the "unexplained infertility" category now.

    I used to post on your blog as "anonymous" but now I'm at the point where I feel I can talk about it publicly.

    Good luck with IVF. I wish you both nothing but the best. When is your appointment? I wish I could offer you some words of comfort but unfortunately I don't think they exist in our situation; however, I will say that your story has allowed me to open up more and has given me a sense of empowerment If that was part of your goal for your blogs, then I will say mission accomplished.