Monday, July 9, 2012

TEARS.....are unlike eggs; God doesn't give you a certain number.

1 pregnancy announcement
3 Happy Birthday reminders
1 birthday party invitation
1 incident of standing in line next to a pregnant woman
2 accidental trips down the baby isle while shopping
1 mailing on prenatal care
1 phone call from my Dr to tell me I had a negative pregnancy test
countless pictures on facebook of friend's children having summer fun

This is just this week's list of reminders of what I want so badly....they seem to be everywhere I turn, despite the fact that I do my best to avoid them.  I'm stuck...If I ingore these things, I may be missing out on life and important milestones in my family and friends' life.  I know these things are important to them and I want so badly to enjoy their happiness with them.  But for sanity sake I have to act in self-preservation and do my best to ignore all these inadvertently painful things.  I'm scared that by not being more of a part of their lives, I will close myself off to them.  I can't expect anyone to understand unless they've walked a few miles in my shoes.  What if one day I have children and don't have anyone to share in my excitement because I've shut people out of my life for so long and have decided I am  unable to include them in my life right now?  What's even more unbearable is what if I never get the chance to experience what they all have?  These are just some thoughts that race across my mind most every day.  Nothing is simple and I don't have the answers....I'm just doing my best to survive.

The fact of the matter is that I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  I just need some time, alot of understanding, compassion, patience, an ear to listen to me, perhaps a shoulder to cry on and some sympathy from time to time.  Like I've said before, I don't need advice....I have a well paid team of medical professionals giving me sound medical advice. I feel terrible always feeling sad about what I'm going through...rarely are my posts positive.  I feel I am losing part of my care free and fun personality. This is changing some good ways and some not so good ways.   I don't want to be one of those annoying people that others try to avoid and I fear I am turning into that.  I simply can't help how I feel and am so tired of trying to convince everyone WHY I feel the way I do.  I'm not sure why I feel the need to prove or justify feeling the way I do.  Some people have called me obsessed with my quest towards a family.  Perhaps they are justified in saying so.  I have every reason to be obsessed as I've been dealt a crappy hand.  I dare anyone to judge me if they aren't willing to trade places and see how painful this can all be.  It is consuming...of most my thoughts, time, money....but how can it not be when it's all you want and something so important?  It's almost 2 years since we started trying.  It's almost one year since our first visit to the reproductive endocrinologist....and still we aren't much closer to our family.  How can I not be upset or obsessed?


  1. I'm so glad I found your blog. We've been TTC for 1 year and 8 months. I know how hard it is to long for somebody to just understand what we go through, what we feel, what we are missing out on. You have every right to be upset because your life is changed. Don't give up hope. I'll keep you in my prayers.

  2. Thank you SO much....we all need to have support of others. It's nice to know we aren't alone in our journey.

  3. OH THANK GOD im not the only one !!!

    I am on the last day of my 2ww this is my 2nd iui and I feel like I could climb the walls, and I just found you !! I know exactly how you feel because I feel the same.....

    I wish you all the best and will be following you from now on... and may rant a little too if thats ok ... :)

  4. Rachel - have you began your IVF cycle? We just had our embryo transfer on Saturday. They were struggling to reach the Blastocyst stage, so I'm not sure if this will have a happy ending. One embryo was early blastocyst and the other was just behind it but being that it was day 6, they implanted them.

    I sure hope you are doing ok. Haven't seen any posts from you lately.