Nobody said it was easy......


I go for my betas tomorrow morning before work (blood pregnancy test).  Due to my insurance company policy, pregnancy tests need to be sent out to a different lab, therefore it delays the results an entire day.  One day isn't always easy.  If you were waiting for lab results for cancer screening to come back, how would you feel if they made you wait an entire extra day just to save the insurance company a few bucks?  My sanity is worth more than the few dollars they may save.  So that being said, I tested myself today.  They tell you not to...but I did.  Because the test results don't come in until Saturday, I may not actually hear the results until Monday with it being the weekend.  I can't wait that long.  I've already been waiting 22 months for a miracle.  


To save myself the heartache of telling each and every person who asks if this IUI worked.....it didn't.  I am still waiting for my 2 pink lines and all the exciting feelings that go along with it.  There's a very small chance the home pregnancy test is wrong...but they are 99% accurate.  I do this everytime...convince myself it's somehow wrong and I'm not doing that to myself again.  With each IUI, I had to hear 3 separate times it was a failure....first with the home pregnancy test, then when my cycle arrives, then again when the doctor calls with the results.  I'll get to do it all over again this weekend.  You'd think it would get easier, but it doesn't and it seems pretty cruel that I need to be reminded so many times...now you know why I blog the results instead of having to repeat myself.  For me, it's like losing a loved one, only I've never even had the chance to love this child.  For everyone else, life goes on as usual.  But for me, I am grieving over my loss...again.  All the self injections of "hormone cocktail", mood swings, weight gain, and other side effects were all for nothing.  All I've gained is a few pounds, a more cynical attitude and thicker skin.  Putting my mind and body through hell was all for nothing it seems.  My own husband can't even understand or relate to what I'm going through, so how can I expect anyone else to?  


For the most part I've come to terms with what's going on.  I've been through the 5 stages of loss in some way shape or form....denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Each day is different and I have some pretty bad days where I'm angry, in denial, depressed, or beg God to grant me a child. Slowly, however I've come to accept that this is how it is.  I can't change it.  I can't ignore it.  It's not fair, but it's the cards I've been given.  Few can truly understand.  It's hard not to get angry at people who have what you long for so much or to be around others whose lives seem so great and carefree.  But even people who have the things I want don't have perfect lives.  


Alot was riding on this last IUI.  Now the only chance for me to have my own family lies with the science of IVF.  Unfortunately it costs alot of money....money we don't have just quite yet.  Like most people my age, I'd rather be putting away for retirement or vacations, but right now this is more important.  It'll take us some time to get there, but we will.