Today is day 5 on injectable medication.  I do not like needles - who does?  In the past I even avoided going to the doctor to have vaccines needed for school and work.  My heart races and I sweat profusely as the needle gets near.  During my previous 3 IUI's I had other people give me the trigger shot of HcG.  This time around, Chris gave me my first 2 injections.  The first time he accidentally messed up and had to stick me twice.  Saturday I was convinced that I had to do this on my own.  For some reason I needed to.  I have gone through hell and back emotionally and physically the past few months and I needed to prove to myself that I can in fact overcome anything.  I did.  I succeeded three times the past 3 days.  I'm just glad these are small needles.


I barely noticed any side effects with Clomid (the medication I was taking for the past 3 IUIs).  With this new medication I have unfortunately noticed some not so great side effects.  While only on the hormones for 5 days, I already have some moderate skin break out, slightly sore stomach from the injection,  and some bloating.  The bigger and harder to deal with side effects are some weight gain, headaches, and change of emotions.  I notice I am getting angry alot easier...rage is more like it.  At times I get so enraged I feel the devil is going to reincarnate himself through me.  And at times I cry for almost no reason.  I know Chris is trying to be patient with me but he's not the one dealing any of the physical side effects and also fewer emotional wounds (at least I think).  It's MY body and sometimes I wish he'd cut me some slack or be more supportive of what I'm going through.  I'm not doing this for me...but for US.  Men will be men I guess and I know he's trying.  


Today I followed up with the clinic and so far I'm responding very well to the medication.  I go back again Wednesday for yet more blood work and ultrasounds.  I project our final IUI will take place late this week or early next.  Let's face it - there's alot riding on this one.  If this fails we have to move on to IVF.  This is our last hope before spending thousands and thousands of dollars for one chance of a dream.  


While most of you are sleeping, I'm sitting here alone writing this blog tying to sort out my thoughts.  Less than 30 feet or so away, across the hallway, still sits an empty room.  Empty.  It's hard for me to imagine that it could be anything but a baby's room, filled with plush whimsical stuffed animals and a rocking chair.  I imagine how the room would be time and time again.  As hard as it is for me to not think about what's missing in there, it's even harder to think about or imagine what will happen if it never gets filled.  Like many things in life, it's a constant reminder of what I don't have.  Each time I pass by it re opens wounds that are still very fresh.  The past few months I've been so focused on my goal of making a family that I brushed aside any possibility that it may never become a reality.  Even if it does, am I ready?  I haven't had a ton of time to focus on what I will actually do when (and if) I become a mother.  Will I be  a good mother?  How am I going to find time to fit all my daily tasks in, including work?  How will we afford daycare, especially if we have twins?  These thoughts are just a few that swirl throughout my mind, at times clouding my better judgement.  Unlike most couples trying for a baby I have alot more to think about and on my plate so to speak.  Most to-be moms are thinking about HOW to be a mother....I'm just thinking about IF I'm going to be a mother.