Imagine life without the ones you love.  For those with children, imagine life without them.  Most of you would probably die for them.  Imagine how you’d feel if you lost one of them.  You’d feel anger, grief, loneliness, helplessness, and inconsolable sadness.  Each day these emotions loom over us like a black ominous cloud.  

I’ve never felt the joy seeing double lines on a pregnancy test. Nor the thrill of enjoying life growing inside of me, being called mommy and the joy when you see your child’s face for the first time.  Both of us are grieving something we’ve never even had. Each morning I take my fertility medication, each visit to the doctor, each month we get a negative test, each time I hear a child laugh or cry or hear stories of others’ happiness on facebook I am forced to deal with these emotions.  We are surrounded by it.  Consumed by it. I don’t have the luxury ignoring it and not thinking about it.  Ignoring the problem isn’t a cure.  It won’t get better with time, it won’t get better with stress relief and it won’t get better without medical intervention.  Without help, the chances of us conceiving on our own are very bleak.  In normal individuals there is only about a 25% chance of conceiving each month.  While the doctors never gave us a percentage, we know the odds aren't in our favor.  Unfortunately the “relax and wait” advice we received from many will not help this time around.  Sometimes while these comments are meant to soothe our hurt, they are just adding salt to the wound.  However, we understand this is a difficult topic and we whole heartedly appreciate everyone's kind words and efforts, thoughts or advice.  It’s not easy for us to talk about it either.  

We've committed that by doing these posts we'd be dead honest and not hold back.  Each of you must know that while we love you all, it’s sometimes difficult to be around some of you…especially those who have what we don't.  Many of our friends already have a family. All of our brothers and sisters do as well.  It's hard when the most important people in our lives can't relate.  As I've said before, lots can sympathize but few can empathize.   We want to be joyful for other's happiness but sometimes the amount of envy is overwhelming and often, despite our biggest efforts, causes us to isolate ourselves from others.  Please know it’s nothing anyone has done or said, it’s just a horrible side effect of the circumstances.  

The next few posts I was thinking of sharing some of the medical tests and interventions we've already been through.  It's not for all, but like I said we're not holding back.