Thursday, March 22, 2012

It's getting nice out so soon this year.  Flowers are blooming, birds singing.  With it being winter, the past few months I've spent most of my time inside and haven't really ventured out much.  In fact, I can't say that I've done many things I once considered fun and honestly I can't say the weather has much to do with that.  The other day I decided to go for a walk since the weather was great.  I thought it would be a nice change and thought it would be helpful to take my mind off things.  But I couldn't help to notice children playing in their yards, Dads throwing ball to their kids, or mothers pushing their strollers through our neighborhood.  So much for getting my mind off things.  The fact is that practically everywhere I go and everything I do inevitably has some reminder of what I don't have and what I'm going through.  I can't complete a shopping trip without noticing babies being pushed in carts or accidentally walking through the diaper isle.  I can't drive home from work without seeing a daycare or children scurrying home from school.  It's completely unavoidable.  Things that I was once oblivious to I have now become so incredibly in-tuned and sensitive to.  It's not normal for me to cry over a Huggies commercial.  I wonder what has happened to me.  I am no longer who I've known my whole life.  I don't know this person and most of the time don't like being this person.  Like many dealing with our situation, the struggles of infertility have consumed my life, my entire being.  I struggle to have some sense of normalcy in my life and struggle to enjoy the people and things I once used to.  On the brighter side, I know that this will forever change who I am and not all of it for the worse.  Adversities in life somehow and in some way make us learn alot about who we are and who we want to be.  I can only hope that with all these struggles, I will become a better person and also help a person or two along the way do the same.  

So while I'm dealing with preparing for more upcoming treatments and more poking and prodding into my life and what was once considered private areas, I am also learning to find my way and enjoy life like I once used to.  It's quite a daunting task since I have daily reminders of what I don't have.   I feel like everyone else around me is living and enjoying life, while I am stuck still, not moving forward.  Everyone is moving forward, doing things while I am here in the same idle position, going unnoticed.  This holding pattern I'm in seems to last a lifetime.  Our time is little here on earth and I want to be able to enjoy it while I'm here, however the circumstance I'm in makes it nearly impossible.  I know this too shall pass but like I said, it seems like a lifetime.  

To make matters more difficult, even little things I used to like such planting a garden can take some amount of money.  The fact of the matter is that if we need IVF treatment, it's very expensive.  Each few dollars I spend on something else, takes more time for our chance of our hopes coming true.  We planned and paid for a vacation a few months prior to receiving the news that IVF may be our only option....other than waiting the months or years it could take to happen on it's own.  As much as I'm annoyed I spent money on something I don't really need as it could have been better used towards treatments, I can say that I'm looking forward to it.  Most likely for the next several months I'll be working 6 day work weeks and this may be our only break to slow down a little.  I have many regrets about alot of things...not trying for children sooner, spending money that wasn't essential for home upgrades, and letting myself get into the mental state of mind I'm in.  But I can't take it back and I can only move forward from here.  

I write my thoughts down on this blog as a form of "therapy" I suppose.  I don't think I've ever been least not for more than a few days.  I hope that by saying what's on my mind will help me to let some feelings go.  It's important for people to understand that while someone may look okay on the outside, you don't always know what's going on inside.  I'm not just talking about myself either.  It should be a lesson learned for all; until now I never really gave it much thought that someone I know and love could be going through something terrible without me ever knowing or understanding the severity of it.  Different things impact people differently.  While having children may be the single most important thing in my life, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's someone else's.  Part of the reason I do this for all to read is to give others and understanding of how our situation impacts my life and also the lives of others dealing with these struggles.  I think because people don't feel comfortable talking about it, it goes unnoticed.  The person in this situation could have just as easily have been you, so lesson learned is to try to be more intuitive and sensitive to others because you never know what they are dealing with.  

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