Change is hard....Even good changes.  Like taxes and death, change is inevitable.  A friend recently confided in me that I've changed since having a child.  I'm not sure and didn't ask if the changes were good or bad, but the point is this comment made me reflect as I often do.  

Even though some people are adamant that children will not change them, it is nearly impossible for them to NOT change you...or at the very least your lifestyle.  Most people who plan on having children realize and accept this.   Assuming you're not strictly referring to lack of sleep, lack of time, and divided attention, not all these changes are bad otherwise the human race would have ended long before I arrived!  For those of you reading this that are parents, I don't need to tell you what those wonderful blessings are...the kisses and hugs you get are only a few perks that melt your heart!  

I was one of those naive people who said children would never change me.  The more I thought about it the more ridiculous and impossible it sounds!  If I didn't want my life to change, then WHY did I want a family?  Of course I wanted my life to change!  After some more reflecting I think I meant that children will not change who I am....but realized my lifestyle would change.  And after a bit more reflection, I realized my daughter didn't change me...my experience with infertility did...or at the very least changed me more than having a baby did.  I can honestly say that I really believe had I not gone through the trials and tribulations of infertility and had children as planned on my timeline, I'd be a different mother and a different person....and I can't say that would be a good thing.  While I can't prove this theory, I had a pretty good idea who I was before and after both children and infertility.  

To try to put things into perspective: imagine something you want  so badly with every fiber of your being but can't no matter how hard you try or what you do...so bad that if it were legal and you had no morals or conscience you'd consider killing for it. While everyone has different experiences, imagine it not feeling or being a very positive experience.  There are alot of variable that go into what you perceive:  support system, personality traits,  how you are treated by others and outcomes are only a mere few.  For example some people with cancer have a great support system and attitude while others have the opposite experience which is mostly despair.  I'm not saying people who seem to have a better outlook have a walk in the park with their illness, but perhaps have different coping strategies that puts things into a different perspective.  Much like cancer or any other disease or illness, infertility is life changing...in good and bad ways.  For me, I think the most difficult part of infertility was people not understanding the impact and importance on my life and my happiness....often invalidating my feelings.  I recently read an article written by someone who experienced both cancer and infertility (God bless them!) and she said her experience with infertility was more difficult.  Her reflection was because cancer is so sadly commonplace these days that many people are better equipped to understand how to support you, what to say and what not to.  Many people don't "get" and aren't sensitive to the feelings those of us with infertility experience and unknowingly say hurtful things and invalidate our feelings.  You often tend to feel invalidated, de-feminized because your body can't do what it's meant to do, and insanely jealous that others  have what you want so badly and so easily....and so many don't realize what a gift it is!!!!  Experiencing and reflecting on these moments for so many years  is what I believe changed who I am.   While I may not be the funnest, most care free, and available person anymore, I have gained so many more positive traits.  I am more sensitive to my own and others feelings yet have learned to have tough skin,  I tend to think before I speak alot more,  I tend to know "who my audience is" before I say things that may unknowingly be hurtful, I tend to be more compassionate and sympathetic....something simply (or not so simply) having a baby didn't cause me to do.  Also, because I learned what really is important my life, how fragile it is and how hard it was to come by...at least for me....I have little tolerance for any unneeded drama and negativity.  I take many relationships more seriously and value them more because I realize the importance and fragility of them...yet have had to bow out of some relationships because they were more draining and toxic than rejuvenating.  I think that my daughter would always be number one and even without infertility I'd put her first and make decisions accordingly...but I have a totally different perspective on what's important in my life as a direct result of infertility.  For that I am thankful.  I don't think I would have realized this as soon, if at all, had it not been for my experience.  

Any life altering experience is bound to change person.  I realize not all traits I gained were positive as this was truly a traumatizing time in my life.  My coping strategies could have been better but I played the cards the best I knew how at the time.  I tend to trust alot of people less as a result of being let down by them, tend to hide my feelings out of fear of having them hurt or invalidated, am a bit more jaded, definitely frustrated, and resentful at times that we had to deal with this.  The first step is to realize this...my next step is to change these feelings into more positivity.  While my struggle with infertility doesn't define me, it has definitely SHAPED me. Change isn't always a bad thing.  Everyone has some emotional baggage and how we react and change from it is different person to person. Change only shows you hopefully learned and grew as a person as a result of your experience.   Regardless of what life throws at you, most people aren't the same person they were 10 years ago...I am learning to love my new skin as my personal evolution continues.  I have learned that I may need to help friends and family realize, respect and accept, and learn the "new" me and hopefully they will love me for it.  

RE-PURPOSING

After failing miserably with keeping up with this blog "post infertility" (if there is such a thing), I've decided to rename and repurpose this blog.  Originally this blog was started a few years back in the midst of infertility treatments.  Not only was it cathartic, but it was an outlet to educate friends, family and anyone who'd listen and who's interested on the topic of infertility.  Upon numerous comments posted, it proved to be helpful to enough people out there struggling (including me)!  It seems a shame to give up writing about something I know so much about and something that is so close to my heart.  Afterall it has shaped who I am!   Just because our attempts to have a child finally came to fruition, doesn't necessarily mean that we have "beat" infertility and still don't have issues and feelings that arise.  Our sweet baby girl finally came into the world 16 months ago and life will NEVER (thankfully) be the same...but I must admit there are still several times when infertility feelings rear their ugly head.  So with some soul searching I've decided to re-name this blog from "Our journey to the baby bump" to "Our journey to the baby bump: before, during and "after" infertility".  I am doing what I like and do best and like to think helping a few people along the way.  Stay tuned for some upcoming posts.  

Today I'm filled with mixed emotions....it's a bittersweet day.  Today, May 20th, is the love of my life's (my daughter's) FIRST birthday!  I didn't think in a million years today would be so hard.  I expected today to be filled with only joy and celebration.  While it was filled with happiness, I am also a little sad to say goodbye to her infancy and move into the next chapter.

I'm sure this is hard for most people to understand.  I would suspect that most people reading this struggle with infertility and would give their right arm to be in my situation right now.  I've been there.  For years, I felt like I was always on the outside looking in, mostly sad, jealous and angry I couldn't and didn't have the family I so desired...what everyone else seemed to be able to create so easily.  It was hard and even to this day it is still difficult for me to hear pregnancy announcements.  Even though I have dealt with these feelings, it still conjures up past memories that aren't all that great.  And because I don't feel like my family is complete, it still hurts.

Why is it so easy for others to make a family, yet so hard for us?  It's not fair.  Even so called "beating" infertility, I still can't get over the unfairness of it all.  I love my daughter to bits and to the moon and back a million times over but I want a brother or sister for her and likely won't be able to make that happen.  I cherished every day with her so far and didn't take a day for granted.  It's hard knowing that she will likely be my sole experience at motherhood, albeit so far a great one.  I'll never get to be in the delivery room again and have that moment when you meet for the first time.....so many firsts....I remember them all and long to have them again with another child.  I know this sounds a little selfish as I should be happy I have her.  I am.  I truly am.  But no one calls someone calls a woman selfish who isn't experiencing infertility when she wants another baby.  Kinda sounds like a double standard if you ask me.  Infertility is hard for people who haven't experienced it to relate.  People say some pretty hurtful things at times like telling the story of how it only took them ONE time to get pregnant.  People think that because I have my daughter I should be 100% happy and fulfilled and "get over it"....that I'm lucky enough to have her.  Half of that IS true.  I AM lucky to have her, especially after multiple failed treatments.  But she was such a blessing and a joy that I want to experience it all over again.  So while this day is a happy milestone for me, it is also somewhat sad and reminds me of my shortcomings.  Granted when I look at her, most of the sadness melts away....but it is still hard knowing I can't provide her with a sibling.  

Do I stand alone?

It's NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week) and it's time for me to get on my soap box again.  Better late than never I suppose.  Even though I rarely post or keep up with this blog since our miracle baby arrived I assure you infertility and all it's glory is still very much a part of me.  Just because we supposedly "beat" infertility doesn't mean we were cured.  I guess most people think that just because we finally succeeded in having our miracle baby that we somehow are free from all the traumatic feelings infertility has brought us.   Many of the feelings still remain and likely will for quite some time, if not forever.  Infertility is a BIG part of me and has proudly made me who I am, but yet doesn't define me.  I am learning that some wounds take a long time to heal and nothing but time can make that happen.  Struggling with infertility is just something you never forget.  If you have had the unfortunate chance to experience what it has to offer then you can understand what I'm talking about.  Unless you lived with or through it, you could never fully grasp all the implications it has.  I've learned it's not easy to brush these feelings aside...even on the other side.  It's even harder to sit with these feelings, reflect on them, and learn from them.  Upon reflection of my experience, infertility is not all bad and traumatic.  It has made me a better person and has shaped who I am today.  

If you have walked down the path of infertility, man or woman, young or old, gay or straight, black or white, we ALL share a common denominator that's part of our fiber.  It's HARD.  Nothing about it is easy.  It didn't come with a manual.  All our stories are unique but each of us shares the same feelings to some extent.  For example, you are not alone when you are devastated at yet another pregnancy announcement that isn't your own...yes, even AFTER so called "beating" infertility.  It's not because you aren't happy for them, but because you are hurting so badly for yourself. You aren't alone when you think to  yourself, "if I hear one more piece of useless piece of advice" after you've heard the typical "just relax and it'll happen" or "just adopt".  You aren't alone if it's draining your bank account...and draining you emotionally.  You aren't alone when you crumble to the floor at yet another negative pregnancy test.  You aren't alone if you "lose it" when you accidentally walk down the baby isle in the grocery store or happen to stand in line next to a pregnant lady.  The list is endless.  We've all had these and so many other feelings.  It's normal and okay to have them.  It's downright human.  It's okay if you can't attend your best friend's baby shower.  If she were in your shoes, she'd probably do the same.  Don't let ANYONE invalidate your feelings and how important they are.  I promise for most of you, whether you come out on the other side of infertility with that baby you so longed for, that it's these very feelings that will make you a better person.  It may be hard to see this in the midst of injections, invasive exams and dollar signs....but it can happen.

• http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/what-is-infertility/  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)
•  (www.resolve.org/niaw)
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She's right there....just in the other room only 20 or 30 feet away.  I love her to the moon and back times a trillion and mindblowlingly (if that's a word) even MORE than I ever thought I could.  I still go into her room when she's sleeping to make sure she's there.... to make sure that this isn't a dream.  I check my phone at work several times a day to look and pictures I've taken of her to prove that she's real.  I KNOW that because of what infertility has put me through I am a better person and mother.  I know this because I know ME and what my thoughts were before infertility and now what they are on the other end of it.  I dare to say I am glad infertility happened to me.  I can't believe those words came out of my mouth!  If it wasn't for that exact sperm and that exact egg, she'd be someone completely different.  She wouldn't wrinkle her forehead the way she does or have the dimple in her left cheek.  

Now that I am finally a mom I know why I was so angry at people who blew me off when I spoke how much I wanted to be a mom or how bad I was feeling about infertility...and those who judged my feelings.  I know this because I finally got to experience a mother's love.  I wonder how anyone who has been lucky enough to experience this can act like infertility isn't a big deal....like the possibility of not being able to have their kids is no big deal?  I finally know what all the hype is about to be a parent and am angry some people led me to believe having this privilege wasn't a big deal or was "meant to be" for me.  I've lost a few friends over this and now I can honestly say I may be glad that I did as those people probably weren't great friends to begin with.  On the flip side it made me love and appreciate those that stood by me and cheered me on even more.  

So what's my point with this particular entry?  Not to brag that I have my baby finally.  God only knows how hurtful that is for those whose miracle still hasn't come yet.  My point is that if you are a reader dealing with infertility, your thoughts and perspective on the other end is different and hopefully puts all the pieces of the puzzle together.  All the crap that you are dealing with actually has a meaning and purpose to change you and your relationship with others.  For that, I am forever grateful I was chosen to deal with infertility.  It's true that it's hard to appreciate and know joy when you haven't experienced pain.  Just know that if your miracle does finally happen it's worth every bit of agony.  

Why are we broke?

If I injured my knee, would you think it's foolish of me to have surgery so I could walk or run better?  If I had a hard time seeing, would you think it's stupid to have corrective surgery?  How about getting braces because my teeth are a mess?  Or what about surgery for children with cleft palate?  Do you think it's frivolous to have weight loss surgery for someone whose overweight and tried every way possible to lose it?  My thought is that most would answer no.  Of course these things aren't trivial. They aren't life threatening but who could say they aren't still important.  Why?  Because they affect quality of life.  But what about having a baby for someone who can't?  Not being able to conceive also isn't life threatening but then again, most things we seek treatment and try to correct aren't.  The ability to have children and use our reproductive system the way God intended is often taken for granted.  If you had to answer one question:   what is most important to you in life", what would you say?  My guess is that the majority answered that question with one word....FAMILY.  So doesn't that make not being able to have one a pretty BIG deal....especially when you're on the side who can't or has difficulty?   And why does it seem to be "no big deal" to insurance companies who lack coverage for infertility treatments? And why does it seem "no big deal" to some people when I talk about infertility and our struggles to have our daughter or even another child? Why is it often brushed under the rug, or not given any attention?  Why is it that because I may a second child after I struggled so hard with the first often remarked with "well at least you have one".  Why when I make a comment about having another that I am seen as greedy and ungrateful since I was lucky to have one?  It's true, I AM lucky and happier than words can describe but I'd like the chance, like everyone else has to have a sibling for our daughter.  Sure it's "no big deal" until it happens to you.  I am bringing this up because the other day my husband was talking to a group of people and mentioned we are on a bit of a tight budget since we just got done paying thousands of dollars to be able to have our daughter.  The response from one person in the group:  "well that was your choice."  It was said with a tone of disdain, quite possibly judgement, and overwhelmingly unsympathetic.  Even if it wasn't...it sure came across that way.  My husband was made to feel judged and criticized for our choice to spend our money on having a family...something most people take for granted that they can do for FREE and on their own schedule.  Would you be upset if you went to a concert and no one had to pay to get in but you?  Of if you worked as hard as everyone at work but were the only one who didn't get a raise or promotion?  Of course you would be upset.  Imagine how we felt when we had to pay and struggle for something that seems like everyone else can get so easily for free.  While spending the money was our choice, being stuck with infertility WASN'T.  In my opinion, spending money to have a child is not equivalent to going broke by spending all your money on a car or house you couldn't afford.  Yet it came across this way.  Being chastised for our choice of how to spend our money after we had no say in having this disease was cruel, painful, unappreciated and quite frankly none of their business.  Spending money to fix bad teeth or a bum knee isn't life threatening but who would argue it's not important?  How come trying to fix a broken reproductive system is seen differently?  It's very easy to pass judgement and chastise someone when you've never lived a day in their shoes.  Having children isn't for everyone, but to some people it's everything.  

It's been some time since I last posted.  Ever since our last IVF was successful and the birth of our little miracle, I've been contemplating whether or not to keep the blog going.  I have mixed feelings about it. I've lived the life of someone who's failed several treatments.  I know what month after month of disappointment and depression over failed cycles feels like.  I know how someone else's joy can be inadvertently painful for myself.  I don't want my joy to be the cause of someone else's sadness or another reminder of how their treatment didn't work, but mine did. I've been there and it's painful.  I guess on the flip side, I'm living proof that sometimes things do work out in the end for the best....as painfully long as it can be sometimes.  As difficult as our journey has been, in retrospect I wouldn't change a thing.  It has given me the gift of insight...I've learned how precious having your own family can be and not to take it for granted.  But the fact of the matter is that even though we finally have what we wanted after all these years, infertility STILL affects me deeply, baby or not.  I didn't realize that finally having a baby doesn't cure infertility or the emotions that come along with it.  Even though most of my "wounds" have healed, some scars still remain.  For what it's worth, every tear I shed (and there were LOTS), every needle I injected, every uncomfortable and embarrassing test I endured, every penny I spent, and every moment of worry and sadness were all worth it.  Most couples all want children for the same reasons.  We were no different.  Sure we worried, like most, that things can be pretty hard at times but in the end I'm glad to realize I was 110% right that I'd love being a mom.  For all of you still out there still struggling to realize your dreams, if you have enough fight in you (and enough money for treatments), DO NOT GIVE UP as it's 110% worth every bit....that I can promise.