Thursday, September 25, 2014

She's right there....just in the other room only 20 or 30 feet away.  I love her to the moon and back times a trillion and mindblowlingly (if that's a word) even MORE than I ever thought I could.  I still go into her room when she's sleeping to make sure she's there.... to make sure that this isn't a dream.  I check my phone at work several times a day to look and pictures I've taken of her to prove that she's real.  I KNOW that because of what infertility has put me through I am a better person and mother.  I know this because I know ME and what my thoughts were before infertility and now what they are on the other end of it.  I dare to say I am glad infertility happened to me.  I can't believe those words came out of my mouth!  If it wasn't for that exact sperm and that exact egg, she'd be someone completely different.  She wouldn't wrinkle her forehead the way she does or have the dimple in her left cheek.  

Now that I am finally a mom I know why I was so angry at people who blew me off when I spoke how much I wanted to be a mom or how bad I was feeling about infertility...and those who judged my feelings.  I know this because I finally got to experience a mother's love.  I wonder how anyone who has been lucky enough to experience this can act like infertility isn't a big the possibility of not being able to have their kids is no big deal?  I finally know what all the hype is about to be a parent and am angry some people led me to believe having this privilege wasn't a big deal or was "meant to be" for me.  I've lost a few friends over this and now I can honestly say I may be glad that I did as those people probably weren't great friends to begin with.  On the flip side it made me love and appreciate those that stood by me and cheered me on even more.  

So what's my point with this particular entry?  Not to brag that I have my baby finally.  God only knows how hurtful that is for those whose miracle still hasn't come yet.  My point is that if you are a reader dealing with infertility, your thoughts and perspective on the other end is different and hopefully puts all the pieces of the puzzle together.  All the crap that you are dealing with actually has a meaning and purpose to change you and your relationship with others.  For that, I am forever grateful I was chosen to deal with infertility.  It's true that it's hard to appreciate and know joy when you haven't experienced pain.  Just know that if your miracle does finally happen it's worth every bit of agony.  

1 comment:

  1. I am going to do egg retrial for the first time next week and I found and read your diary from March 2012. I really feel happy for you and truly admire your success and your hard experience behind the success. I feel alone, as I feel no one understand this experience of injecting Buserelin and GONAL F everyday and night (it's quite painful), ultrasound scan in front on nurses every other days whilst working full time... I don't tell my treatment to anyone apart from my husband. Your blog gave me a courage to continue the goal to welcome a new family member. Your experience makes me equipped with what will happen on me. Pls keep this blog ope as I'll be back more often to learn and be strong.
    Thank you, and I really am happy for your success. You deserve it! :-)