RE-PURPOSING

After failing miserably with keeping up with this blog "post infertility" (if there is such a thing), I've decided to rename and repurpose this blog.  Originally this blog was started a few years back in the midst of infertility treatments.  Not only was it cathartic, but it was an outlet to educate friends, family and anyone who'd listen and who's interested on the topic of infertility.  Upon numerous comments posted, it proved to be helpful to enough people out there struggling (including me)!  It seems a shame to give up writing about something I know so much about and something that is so close to my heart.  Afterall it has shaped who I am!   Just because our attempts to have a child finally came to fruition, doesn't necessarily mean that we have "beat" infertility and still don't have issues and feelings that arise.  Our sweet baby girl finally came into the world 16 months ago and life will NEVER (thankfully) be the same...but I must admit there are still several times when infertility feelings rear their ugly head.  So with some soul searching I've decided to re-name this blog from "Our journey to the baby bump" to "Our journey to the baby bump: before, during and "after" infertility".  I am doing what I like and do best and like to think helping a few people along the way.  Stay tuned for some upcoming posts.  

Today I'm filled with mixed emotions....it's a bittersweet day.  Today, May 20th, is the love of my life's (my daughter's) FIRST birthday!  I didn't think in a million years today would be so hard.  I expected today to be filled with only joy and celebration.  While it was filled with happiness, I am also a little sad to say goodbye to her infancy and move into the next chapter.

I'm sure this is hard for most people to understand.  I would suspect that most people reading this struggle with infertility and would give their right arm to be in my situation right now.  I've been there.  For years, I felt like I was always on the outside looking in, mostly sad, jealous and angry I couldn't and didn't have the family I so desired...what everyone else seemed to be able to create so easily.  It was hard and even to this day it is still difficult for me to hear pregnancy announcements.  Even though I have dealt with these feelings, it still conjures up past memories that aren't all that great.  And because I don't feel like my family is complete, it still hurts.

Why is it so easy for others to make a family, yet so hard for us?  It's not fair.  Even so called "beating" infertility, I still can't get over the unfairness of it all.  I love my daughter to bits and to the moon and back a million times over but I want a brother or sister for her and likely won't be able to make that happen.  I cherished every day with her so far and didn't take a day for granted.  It's hard knowing that she will likely be my sole experience at motherhood, albeit so far a great one.  I'll never get to be in the delivery room again and have that moment when you meet for the first time.....so many firsts....I remember them all and long to have them again with another child.  I know this sounds a little selfish as I should be happy I have her.  I am.  I truly am.  But no one calls someone calls a woman selfish who isn't experiencing infertility when she wants another baby.  Kinda sounds like a double standard if you ask me.  Infertility is hard for people who haven't experienced it to relate.  People say some pretty hurtful things at times like telling the story of how it only took them ONE time to get pregnant.  People think that because I have my daughter I should be 100% happy and fulfilled and "get over it"....that I'm lucky enough to have her.  Half of that IS true.  I AM lucky to have her, especially after multiple failed treatments.  But she was such a blessing and a joy that I want to experience it all over again.  So while this day is a happy milestone for me, it is also somewhat sad and reminds me of my shortcomings.  Granted when I look at her, most of the sadness melts away....but it is still hard knowing I can't provide her with a sibling.  

Do I stand alone?

It's NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week) and it's time for me to get on my soap box again.  Better late than never I suppose.  Even though I rarely post or keep up with this blog since our miracle baby arrived I assure you infertility and all it's glory is still very much a part of me.  Just because we supposedly "beat" infertility doesn't mean we were cured.  I guess most people think that just because we finally succeeded in having our miracle baby that we somehow are free from all the traumatic feelings infertility has brought us.   Many of the feelings still remain and likely will for quite some time, if not forever.  Infertility is a BIG part of me and has proudly made me who I am, but yet doesn't define me.  I am learning that some wounds take a long time to heal and nothing but time can make that happen.  Struggling with infertility is just something you never forget.  If you have had the unfortunate chance to experience what it has to offer then you can understand what I'm talking about.  Unless you lived with or through it, you could never fully grasp all the implications it has.  I've learned it's not easy to brush these feelings aside...even on the other side.  It's even harder to sit with these feelings, reflect on them, and learn from them.  Upon reflection of my experience, infertility is not all bad and traumatic.  It has made me a better person and has shaped who I am today.  

If you have walked down the path of infertility, man or woman, young or old, gay or straight, black or white, we ALL share a common denominator that's part of our fiber.  It's HARD.  Nothing about it is easy.  It didn't come with a manual.  All our stories are unique but each of us shares the same feelings to some extent.  For example, you are not alone when you are devastated at yet another pregnancy announcement that isn't your own...yes, even AFTER so called "beating" infertility.  It's not because you aren't happy for them, but because you are hurting so badly for yourself. You aren't alone when you think to  yourself, "if I hear one more piece of useless piece of advice" after you've heard the typical "just relax and it'll happen" or "just adopt".  You aren't alone if it's draining your bank account...and draining you emotionally.  You aren't alone when you crumble to the floor at yet another negative pregnancy test.  You aren't alone if you "lose it" when you accidentally walk down the baby isle in the grocery store or happen to stand in line next to a pregnant lady.  The list is endless.  We've all had these and so many other feelings.  It's normal and okay to have them.  It's downright human.  It's okay if you can't attend your best friend's baby shower.  If she were in your shoes, she'd probably do the same.  Don't let ANYONE invalidate your feelings and how important they are.  I promise for most of you, whether you come out on the other side of infertility with that baby you so longed for, that it's these very feelings that will make you a better person.  It may be hard to see this in the midst of injections, invasive exams and dollar signs....but it can happen.

• http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/what-is-infertility/  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)
•  (www.resolve.org/niaw)
• 
  

She's right there....just in the other room only 20 or 30 feet away.  I love her to the moon and back times a trillion and mindblowlingly (if that's a word) even MORE than I ever thought I could.  I still go into her room when she's sleeping to make sure she's there.... to make sure that this isn't a dream.  I check my phone at work several times a day to look and pictures I've taken of her to prove that she's real.  I KNOW that because of what infertility has put me through I am a better person and mother.  I know this because I know ME and what my thoughts were before infertility and now what they are on the other end of it.  I dare to say I am glad infertility happened to me.  I can't believe those words came out of my mouth!  If it wasn't for that exact sperm and that exact egg, she'd be someone completely different.  She wouldn't wrinkle her forehead the way she does or have the dimple in her left cheek.  

Now that I am finally a mom I know why I was so angry at people who blew me off when I spoke how much I wanted to be a mom or how bad I was feeling about infertility...and those who judged my feelings.  I know this because I finally got to experience a mother's love.  I wonder how anyone who has been lucky enough to experience this can act like infertility isn't a big deal....like the possibility of not being able to have their kids is no big deal?  I finally know what all the hype is about to be a parent and am angry some people led me to believe having this privilege wasn't a big deal or was "meant to be" for me.  I've lost a few friends over this and now I can honestly say I may be glad that I did as those people probably weren't great friends to begin with.  On the flip side it made me love and appreciate those that stood by me and cheered me on even more.  

So what's my point with this particular entry?  Not to brag that I have my baby finally.  God only knows how hurtful that is for those whose miracle still hasn't come yet.  My point is that if you are a reader dealing with infertility, your thoughts and perspective on the other end is different and hopefully puts all the pieces of the puzzle together.  All the crap that you are dealing with actually has a meaning and purpose to change you and your relationship with others.  For that, I am forever grateful I was chosen to deal with infertility.  It's true that it's hard to appreciate and know joy when you haven't experienced pain.  Just know that if your miracle does finally happen it's worth every bit of agony.  

Why are we broke?

If I injured my knee, would you think it's foolish of me to have surgery so I could walk or run better?  If I had a hard time seeing, would you think it's stupid to have corrective surgery?  How about getting braces because my teeth are a mess?  Or what about surgery for children with cleft palate?  Do you think it's frivolous to have weight loss surgery for someone whose overweight and tried every way possible to lose it?  My thought is that most would answer no.  Of course these things aren't trivial. They aren't life threatening but who could say they aren't still important.  Why?  Because they affect quality of life.  But what about having a baby for someone who can't?  Not being able to conceive also isn't life threatening but then again, most things we seek treatment and try to correct aren't.  The ability to have children and use our reproductive system the way God intended is often taken for granted.  If you had to answer one question:   what is most important to you in life", what would you say?  My guess is that the majority answered that question with one word....FAMILY.  So doesn't that make not being able to have one a pretty BIG deal....especially when you're on the side who can't or has difficulty?   And why does it seem to be "no big deal" to insurance companies who lack coverage for infertility treatments? And why does it seem "no big deal" to some people when I talk about infertility and our struggles to have our daughter or even another child? Why is it often brushed under the rug, or not given any attention?  Why is it that because I may a second child after I struggled so hard with the first often remarked with "well at least you have one".  Why when I make a comment about having another that I am seen as greedy and ungrateful since I was lucky to have one?  It's true, I AM lucky and happier than words can describe but I'd like the chance, like everyone else has to have a sibling for our daughter.  Sure it's "no big deal" until it happens to you.  I am bringing this up because the other day my husband was talking to a group of people and mentioned we are on a bit of a tight budget since we just got done paying thousands of dollars to be able to have our daughter.  The response from one person in the group:  "well that was your choice."  It was said with a tone of disdain, quite possibly judgement, and overwhelmingly unsympathetic.  Even if it wasn't...it sure came across that way.  My husband was made to feel judged and criticized for our choice to spend our money on having a family...something most people take for granted that they can do for FREE and on their own schedule.  Would you be upset if you went to a concert and no one had to pay to get in but you?  Of if you worked as hard as everyone at work but were the only one who didn't get a raise or promotion?  Of course you would be upset.  Imagine how we felt when we had to pay and struggle for something that seems like everyone else can get so easily for free.  While spending the money was our choice, being stuck with infertility WASN'T.  In my opinion, spending money to have a child is not equivalent to going broke by spending all your money on a car or house you couldn't afford.  Yet it came across this way.  Being chastised for our choice of how to spend our money after we had no say in having this disease was cruel, painful, unappreciated and quite frankly none of their business.  Spending money to fix bad teeth or a bum knee isn't life threatening but who would argue it's not important?  How come trying to fix a broken reproductive system is seen differently?  It's very easy to pass judgement and chastise someone when you've never lived a day in their shoes.  Having children isn't for everyone, but to some people it's everything.  

It's been some time since I last posted.  Ever since our last IVF was successful and the birth of our little miracle, I've been contemplating whether or not to keep the blog going.  I have mixed feelings about it. I've lived the life of someone who's failed several treatments.  I know what month after month of disappointment and depression over failed cycles feels like.  I know how someone else's joy can be inadvertently painful for myself.  I don't want my joy to be the cause of someone else's sadness or another reminder of how their treatment didn't work, but mine did. I've been there and it's painful.  I guess on the flip side, I'm living proof that sometimes things do work out in the end for the best....as painfully long as it can be sometimes.  As difficult as our journey has been, in retrospect I wouldn't change a thing.  It has given me the gift of insight...I've learned how precious having your own family can be and not to take it for granted.  But the fact of the matter is that even though we finally have what we wanted after all these years, infertility STILL affects me deeply, baby or not.  I didn't realize that finally having a baby doesn't cure infertility or the emotions that come along with it.  Even though most of my "wounds" have healed, some scars still remain.  For what it's worth, every tear I shed (and there were LOTS), every needle I injected, every uncomfortable and embarrassing test I endured, every penny I spent, and every moment of worry and sadness were all worth it.  Most couples all want children for the same reasons.  We were no different.  Sure we worried, like most, that things can be pretty hard at times but in the end I'm glad to realize I was 110% right that I'd love being a mom.  For all of you still out there still struggling to realize your dreams, if you have enough fight in you (and enough money for treatments), DO NOT GIVE UP as it's 110% worth every bit....that I can promise.    

RESOLVE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT.....how to help others understand your journey.

www.resolve.org/niaw

Most of you reading this already know the significance of this week...most reading probably are, have or know someone who's struggled with the heartbreak of not being able to conceive a child without difficulty.  For those who don't, it's National Infertility Awareness Week.  It's 7 days out of the year dedicated to infertility awareness and ever since our struggle began years ago, I like to take time to recognize it.  

This year's theme is RESOVE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT....    I've known this week has been coming for awhile and have wondered how I'm going to start this post.   It just came to me today while I was driving to work listening to the radio.  A local radio station was interviewing Robin Roberts from Good Morning America.  While getting ready for work each morning I usually tune in to follow the news.  For those who don't know, she's battled and beat cancer...twice.  When asked why she is so passionate about sharing her story, her answer was this:  "my mom always told me to make your 'mess' your message."  Everyone has their "stuff"....something difficult in life they've lived through that's important to them...something that's hopefully changed them for the better .  Infertility is my story.  Basically what she was saying is that it would tragic to battle something that's so significant and important to you and not learn a lesson or come out the other side a changed and better person.  What would be even better is if not only you were a changed person who's learned a valuable lesson, but if you could help to educate and show others the importance so they too could grow as a person.  It's a great way to change something tragic into something positive.  

It took my husband and I a lot of thought about whether or not to share with people the details of our struggle versus keeping it superficial or private.  He was behind me 100% to share our story with others and to even blog about it.  Since then, he too has been more open about sharing our story.  I knew there was always the chance of being misunderstood or made to feel as if my feelings and struggles weren't significant or as significant as something else.  In my mind it's impossible to "rank" someone's situation as being more or less important....but I  knew others potentially could and did.  No one likes to have their feelings invalidated.  If it's important to you and important enough to share something that's personal and close to your heart, then it IS important.  

What I've learned over the past few years is that infertility is often one of those topics either not talked about, brushed under the rug, or not seen as a big of a deal as it is...until you personally struggle with it that is.  It hasn't and doesn't get the same recognition as other issues and many people simply don't realize the emotional, physical and financial turmoil it can have.  How can we change this?  The only way is to speak up and educate others not in our situation.  I think this is an important lesson, not just for infertility but for anything, especially for something that's not commonplace and easily relatable.  Let others in on why it's so incredibly hard.  Why is it such a heartache to live through month after month of repeated disappointment and loss of a dream...why does it sting so badly when we hear yet another pregnancy or birth announcement...why is it so difficult afford expensive treatments....why the physical pain of tests and treatments breaks you down....why you can't seem to get it together sometimes when you accidentally walk down the diaper isle.....why you can't bear to attend baby showers to protect your feelings and sanity....why your relationship can be strained at times with your partner....and the why's could go one forever.  Sure there's always the chance of being misunderstood or blown off, but even if you get through to one person, it's a person who's learned how to be compassionate not only for you as a support but also for others.   Unless you share with someone why this disease is so difficult to navigate, how can they begin to understand unless they've lived it?  

To this day, we've lost a few friends along the way because they couldn't understand our thoughts and actions and other relationships were strained.  People we've shared our journey
with still say things that hurt, but it's a start to help them understand.  On the positive side, explaining our story has created some great relationships we otherwise may not have had the chance to.  Making people more aware and sympathetic is the only way to get the support we need.  The more people that can be compassionate and aware of the the impact of infertility, the more awareness can be raised and that makes a cure one step closer.  


For more information about Resolve.org please look at the following links:
http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)