Tuesday, December 13, 2016


Failure is never easy, especially when you put so much time and effort into something you want so badly.  We spent months preparing for this.  We literally poured our blood (lots of it), sweat, tears (too many to count), and bank account into this.  We gave it our best effort and in the end it wasn't enough. It failed.  I am beyond sad.  It's hard to even come up with the feeling that describes it.  Fu%*ing angry, numb, hopeless, devastated.  There's not enough words.  My fingers usually flow over the keyboard effortlessly. Today however they are just sluggish and fumbling. My mind is a jumble of various thoughts.  If this were something different, perhaps I'd be allowed to grieve.  I'd be given time or an allowance for not being myself and for feeling sad and sorry for myself. Yet it seems that because I haven't lost someone or something tangible that it's no big deal and just another day.  But I have lost something: the dream of a family, of a child, of my future and with that a piece of my heart and happiness. I had to return work today and pretend nothing ever happened.  I'm dying on the inside.  After awhile you get pretty good at it to the point you can almost fool yourself.  Even if I did show my emotions, few take the time to understand them.  I've gotten all sorts of "advice" and criticism lately: pray to saints, don't lose hope, eat this.  Yet few people give me what I actually NEED:  Validation... and maybe an ear to listen. Validation that this situation just plain sucks.  I don't need advice how to fix it.  No one can, not even a team of the best doctors.  I don't need advice how to feel:  trust me I have many feelings!  I don't need to be made to feel guilty and greedy for wanting another child when I was already so lucky to be blessed with one.  That's the last thing I need to be reminded of.  It's hurtful and trivializes how I feel.  What makes me so different from any other warm blooded human that wants more than one child?  Am I so different?  Can't I be grateful for what I have and at the same time be sad for what I don't?  

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