This was a long time coming. I wanted to write about it but for alot of reasons I didn't. I couldn't really. Chasing a toddler around keeps me busy as does work. But the real reason is that if I put it in writing I have to acknowledge its happening again and am forced to bring up some pretty painful emotions. Emotions that I've been so good at suppressing and forgetting since our daughter arrived. All these years the emotional baggage this journey has brought us was merely in the back of the closet. A little dusty and out of the way for awhile....but like with any journey, you eventually need your luggage. Now the "baggage" is in the front of the closet. Hell...to be honest it's in the middle of the room, unkempt, and I'm tripping over it. I suppose, like most people would think, having a successful IVF and giving birth to our dream baby would be enough to put the baggage to the curb forever. I've learned this is not true. I was pretty good for my daughters first year of life. Baby announcements no longer made me curl up in a ball and cry. But by the time she turned 1.5, I knew it was soon time to start thinking of a sibling. I'm not 20 anymore after all and time and my age are big factors. We weren't sure it would even be a possibility financially but we hit the jackpot. My insurance now covers much of the cost! There is a limit of course but it was better than we had before. We just knew we had to try. If not, we'd always wonder "what if". So we had to wait until the insurance kicked in. That was June. It took months to complete the re-testing and jumping over many hurdles that almost stopped us dead in our tracks. After finally getting the help we needed financially we were hit with a wrecking ball. One of the tests deemed us not to be candidates for IVF! My husbands sperm was 100% dead. 0% chance! Within several weeks the issue was figured out and we began the process of IVF. Of course with that, the bills started and our checkbook bleeds cash. We had a few other glitches with the pharmacy and medications but after alot of stress, that too eventually got resolved. Then wrecking ball number 2 hit: IVF number 3 was canceled mid cycle. I spent alot of money on wasted medication, spent weeks preparing, months taking medications and several days injecting hormones. All for nothing. We were devastated. My body, 3 years older than the last IVF, just had enough. I didn't respond. Only ONE egg! The medication and protocol just wasn't enough. It was a big hit for me because it was out of my control and confirmed the fact that I'm getting older and am running out of time.
Fast forward a few weeks and we started a whole new protocol with 3 times as many medications (and side effects). So that brings me to now. Monday was the day of our egg retrieval surgery. While knowing what was going to happen made it easier, waiting for the results NEVER gets easier. They were able to retrieve 9 eggs. It was more than expected because of my age but I was still disappointed because with our daughter I had 14. With our 9 eggs, only 5 were good. Only 2 fertilized. As of now we have 2 embryos, 2 possibilities of having a sibling, and 2 dreams. Our embryos have a history of dying before they make it to transfer and tomorrow morning is the big day. I may show up and find they didn't make it and learn our dream has died. It's a real possibility. Last time we had double the number at this stage, so more possibilities. We know all it takes is one but also know how fragile this process can be. I am praying we jump over one hurdle at a time and make it until tomorrow.