Saturday, August 30, 2014

Why are we broke?

If I injured my knee, would you think it's foolish of me to have surgery so I could walk or run better?  If I had a hard time seeing, would you think it's stupid to have corrective surgery?  How about getting braces because my teeth are a mess?  Or what about surgery for children with cleft palate?  Do you think it's frivolous to have weight loss surgery for someone whose overweight and tried every way possible to lose it?  My thought is that most would answer no.  Of course these things aren't trivial. They aren't life threatening but who could say they aren't still important.  Why?  Because they affect quality of life.  But what about having a baby for someone who can't?  Not being able to conceive also isn't life threatening but then again, most things we seek treatment and try to correct aren't.  The ability to have children and use our reproductive system the way God intended is often taken for granted.  If you had to answer one question:   what is most important to you in life", what would you say?  My guess is that the majority answered that question with one word....FAMILY.  So doesn't that make not being able to have one a pretty BIG deal....especially when you're on the side who can't or has difficulty?   And why does it seem to be "no big deal" to insurance companies who lack coverage for infertility treatments? And why does it seem "no big deal" to some people when I talk about infertility and our struggles to have our daughter or even another child? Why is it often brushed under the rug, or not given any attention?  Why is it that because I may a second child after I struggled so hard with the first often remarked with "well at least you have one".  Why when I make a comment about having another that I am seen as greedy and ungrateful since I was lucky to have one?  It's true, I AM lucky and happier than words can describe but I'd like the chance, like everyone else has to have a sibling for our daughter.  Sure it's "no big deal" until it happens to you.  I am bringing this up because the other day my husband was talking to a group of people and mentioned we are on a bit of a tight budget since we just got done paying thousands of dollars to be able to have our daughter.  The response from one person in the group:  "well that was your choice."  It was said with a tone of disdain, quite possibly judgement, and overwhelmingly unsympathetic.  Even if it wasn't...it sure came across that way.  My husband was made to feel judged and criticized for our choice to spend our money on having a family...something most people take for granted that they can do for FREE and on their own schedule.  Would you be upset if you went to a concert and no one had to pay to get in but you?  Of if you worked as hard as everyone at work but were the only one who didn't get a raise or promotion?  Of course you would be upset.  Imagine how we felt when we had to pay and struggle for something that seems like everyone else can get so easily for free.  While spending the money was our choice, being stuck with infertility WASN'T.  In my opinion, spending money to have a child is not equivalent to going broke by spending all your money on a car or house you couldn't afford.  Yet it came across this way.  Being chastised for our choice of how to spend our money after we had no say in having this disease was cruel, painful, unappreciated and quite frankly none of their business.  Spending money to fix bad teeth or a bum knee isn't life threatening but who would argue it's not important?  How come trying to fix a broken reproductive system is seen differently?  It's very easy to pass judgement and chastise someone when you've never lived a day in their shoes.  Having children isn't for everyone, but to some people it's everything.  

7 comments:

  1. This entire blog is so amazing. We have just finished our first IUI and I'm getting my blood results tomorrow. I think about your blog from 2012 "Worst day of my life". I'm sort of preparing my self for the worst as my HPT's are negative so far. I'm so happy that you got your baby. We are trying for our first. It's not fair that couples like us have to pay so much money in order to have a baby. It just adds to the pressure we are already facing. I'm happy your story had a successful ending. Please continue blogging , especially about the joy's of having a baby and their little antics. It gives hope to couples who are still on the journey. M

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    1. You are right, it's not fair and never will be. It's always are to be on the receiving end of the unfairness and listen to others who haven't been dealt your cards give advice. I wish you all the luck and know you aren't alone.

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  2. Reading about your journey has given me hope that I will one day also be able to have a baby. I have just failed my first IUI but still (surprisingly!) have alot of fight in me. My husband and I will not rest till we have explored all options . I pray one day our little miracle will happen. Thank you for being so honest in your posts. I can relate to many feelings you've written about which no one I know can relate to. So yea thanks for your honesty.

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    1. Don't give up as I promise if your miracle does come it is worth every bit of agony. Good luck!

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  3. While I too am on the other side now so much of what you say strikes a chord in me and conjures up all of those emotions from a few years ago. I completely understand the fury of hearing comments about finances and it being elective to spend money to have the blessing you so greatly desire. I would go into the shower and scream on some days from the frustration of receiving another baby announcement or worse...I am a mental health counselor who work with at risk youth and I had to hear about them getting pregnant with unwanted children and listen while they talked about abortion. It was the darkest period of my life. Thank you for your bravery of transparency and truth. It is good for me to revisit those emotions and remember what blessing my children are and how hard I fought for them. We still are renting our house to pay off our bundles of joy but I wouldn't have it any other way.

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    1. You are welcome. I am on a mission to share with others my experience so they know they aren't alone and there is hope as well as to educate those lucky enough not dealing with infertility what a day in our life can be like. I give you much credit for keeping your job through your journey....not sure if i could have done the same thing. That takes strength and courage!

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  4. I'm glad I found your blog. I live in the UK and although the official guidelines for health authorities is to provide infertility treatment under certain conditions, I of course live where you get nothing. Our National Health Service is held up as a shining example of healthcare for all but trust me, infertility is not considered a disease. We've iust done our first and only round of mild ivf, we don't have anywhere left to go moneywise. So far, we've been lucky...2 embryos transferred and 2 to freeze, one of which we didn't think would make it to viability. I already feel so lucky to know that if in 10 days time we come up with a bfn we have another chance. I don't know where you got your strength. I knew I had to try this path before I lost my mind but I also know I don't have anything left to try and I'm 41 in a few weeks and know my body has already showed signs of change. We got pregnant naturally once, right at the start. I miscarried and we've tried 3 long years and come up empty. No one wants to help you because you already can, in their view. And in some ways they're right, to this day no one can tell us why we haven't conceived. I may still miscarry if we get the bfp. I have felt so much of what you write about, and I feel better equipped to deal with what may lay ahead. My heart goes out to all of us who suffer with this awful situation. Nobody knows it but us. People don't talk about it here, it's still a kind of shameful taboo in a way. I have felt normal reading your blog this last couple of days. Thank you for that. And having already had the 'we'll be living childless if this doesn't work' talks with my husband, I can't begin to tell you how happy I am that it came good for you. Because I know you appreciate what you have and you appreciate what I may not.

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