Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The more time that passes and the more open I am with our struggles, I am finding more and more couples that have joined the infertility club....none willingly.  Most haven't had to go to our extremes of IVF but nonetheless have still struggled.   I am amazed at the thought that while we were one of the lucky ones where treatment finally worked after 3 years, there are alot of people who it has never worked for yet and others who have had to take even more extreme and expensive measures such as using donor eggs.  While we waited and agonized 3 long years, at least it did finally happen and it saddens me that others are still waiting for their miracle.  The last 3 years of life has been such a blurr and honestly I feel like I "lost" those years as they were the worst of my life.  In the end, at least I can say it all paid off and I am also so glad I have a new perspective and appreciation for certain things in life.  I never would have had the opportunity otherwise to grow as a person and build some of the relationships I did (not to mention purge a few of the unhealthy ones).  At least for me, it did take alot of struggle and pain to get to a better place and to become a better person with a unique perspective.  There are so many more things in life I appreciate as a result.  

I have often said that I feel like infertility stole my made me feel like less of a person.  Oddly enough now that we have finally "beat" infertility I once again feel like my identity has been lost.  While not fun or mentally healthy at times, I spent 3 years of my life focusing on this and putting all my time, thought and energy in it.  I understand it was only a part of me, but it was a BIG part and influence. Now I feel in limbo....I will always be a part of the "infertility club" as those feelings never completely subside...but now am part of the world I so wished for - parenthood.  Unless you've lived it, it's a hard and difficult transition, albeit a mostly happy and grateful one.  While baby B is on her way soon, when I look at her I will feel such happiness but also a reminder of the hard times we went through to bring her here.  I want so badly to have a sibling for her but realistically that probably won't happen.  I am afraid of having all those feelings come rushing back and feeling sad and inadequate because we can't have anymore children.  I hope what gets me through it is remembering how I would have KILLED to be in my situation a year ago.  

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