Monday, January 27, 2014

I promised not to let this blog turn into a blog about pregnancy....or how we over came devil I call infertility.  Yeah, we "crossed over" and are now on the other side of being one of the lucky ones where all our hard work, perseverance, and fertility treatments actually worked.  For those who annoyingly tell me things like "see I told you so", or "I knew it would happen" still don't understand the  impact it has had on me or the fact that I could have easily not been one of the lucky ones....the fact that there are still thousands of people running in circles and losing their minds like I was a few short months ago.  A good percentage will never cross over to the other side and I want people who say things like that or who believe things like God will grant every good person a baby if they so desire to take a step back and realize what they are saying.  It's like being told that it was all in my head and I should've been patient and not worried because "it was bound to happen."  I suppose no one can understand where I'm coming from unless you've lived it so I try my best to be forgiving and understanding.  I KNOW this child is a blessing and I'm so lucky to be where I'm many people take for granted how easy it is to have a family.  I am not, and will never be one of them.  I look at the world from a whole new perspective that I could never have known 3 years ago.  It sucked, it was hard, these were the moments when I was at my lowest...but in a weird way I am glad it all happened so I have this new perspective on the value of things.  In this case, my case, it's true that you can't appreciate the good things until you've experienced that bad.  I think because to this, I was molded to be a better parent than I would have been 3 years ago.  What a great gift.

As I prepare for this gift, I have mixed emotions that I never thought I would have.  When you want a family so bad....that's all you think about.  You CAN'T look into the future because it's too painful to imagine what you may never have.  My thoughts always stopped at the positive pregnancy test because they had to.  So now that I am embarking on this journey I waited my whole life's surprisingly difficult.  I guess I imagined that once I knew we were going to have a family, I'd be just like every other mom-to-be.  I am in alot of ways as I have the same fears and hopes....but this stupid extra baggage has a way of creeping up on you at times.  I'm ecstatic but have moments where old memories and feelings easily it's STILL hard to hear pregnancy announcements for example.  Weird, but apparently normal.  I wondered why but when I look deeper, you don't just stop feeling sad that you didn't "have it as easy" or can't help thinking I'll never be able to give this child a sibling.  Feelings like that don't just "turn off" because you now have what you wanted.  I wish they did.  At times, I still find it difficult to have a conversation about my pregnancy or future child.  I feel somewhat guilty that I'm one of the lucky ones and the whole concept seems SO foreign to talk about since it's been faux pax to me for so long.  Or recently I attended a baby shower.  Even though it was for a good friend, could I have done that if our last treatment failed?  Likely not...and even though it's totally normal to feel sad, I still feel like a bad friend because I knew in my heart of hearts I probably would have declined.  You take yourself out of certain parts of life to protect yourself, yet you are expected to and still have to live it.  That's not easy.  I'm transitioning from that mentality that I've known for so long, to a new mentality where I really did get the fairy tale ending....but it's still not easy.  Someone who's only known poverty their whole life will likely have a hard time spending money things they only dreamed of.  I'm no different.  I feel guilty about complaining about the woes of pregnancy, the aches and pains and often feel judged when I do....  I do complain but try to limit it as best as I can to the people who can understand the most.  Some coworkers recently mentioned that they were amazed how lucky I was to have a pregnancy with few glitches and no horrible symptoms....if they only knew that wasn't the case.  What I will say is that I have a new respect for anyone creating life and leave it at that.  There have been times when I've held my tongue how crappy I really feel and there has also been times when I let it slip.  For some people, I feel that I am held to a different standard than others and I get "but this is what you wanted" lecture.  Yeah it is so let me experience it like every other pregnant woman out there.   It IS true that this is what I wanted....I wanted the good, the bad and the ugly of being pregnant and raising a family and it doesn't make me any less happy or grateful.   Would anyone judge a cancer survivor if they complained about having a crappy day?  Likely not, yet somehow I feel folks with infertility are held to different we can never complain about pregnancy or parenthood.  I welcome my future complaints and annoyances I will have about being a parent because I know that I am FINALLY like everyone else....and I will, like everyone else get to experience the joys too!  

1 comment:

  1. Keep your head up Rachel! I hope to be able to go through the joys, woes, aches and pains too. And, you're right about infertility patients being held to a different standard. No one can really understand unless they've been through it. Keep us posted <3