DAY 9:

  Today is my 9th and final day of stims.  I will definitely not miss my nightly cocktail of injections.  After tonight I have two more shots to give myself.  My morning injection is a drug that makes sure I don't accidentally ovulate and lose the eggs I have worked so hard to make.  I've been doing these morning injections for the past 4 days and tomorrow is my last.  My belly is sick of being a pin cushion.  Then tomorrow night I will inject my "trigger" shot which ripens the eggs for my retrieval on Thursday.  Thursday is the big surgery day for egg retrieval.  In the grand scheme of things, being on injectables for 9 days seems relatively short to do such a big job.  I've been following up with the the doctor every other day and now that I'm closer to retrieval I go daily for monitoring (more bloodwork and ultrasounds).  They found 8 follicles which contain hopefully mature and beautiful eggs.  For my age and problem, 8 to 10 is average.  I'd like more, but as long as they are all good quality I'm going to be happy with what I've done.  I can honestly say I couldn't have done more: avoiding caffeine for 7 months, alcohol, eating organic when I can, exercising, multiple vitamins and supplements, and even acupuncture. I am nervous for retrieval...not so much for the physical pain of surgery, but for the outcome.  In infertility treatments, passing each step is a milestone.  I've made it past the biopsy for co-culture, I've nearly made it past the medication phase, then comes the egg retrieval, then the ICSI for fertilization (where they inject the sperm into the egg in the lab), waiting for the embryos to grow, then embryo transfer, and then hoping and waiting to see if I'm pregnant.   I seem to pass each hurdle so well, until the time when the embryos are supposed to actually grow. I think what will make me the most nervous the next few days will be seeing if our embryos grow this time. It was SO disappointing last time when they said everything with my cycle was picture perfect....until the embryos just didn't grow. Waiting for my daily phone call from the embryologist at the lab was so nerve wracking and I'm dreading it again.

I'm going to rant and rave for a bit.  Today we just went grocery shopping.   I swear every time I go to Wegman's they have a pregnant women's convention.  Then I get home and put my groceries away.  Most people have a vegetable drawer.  I have that too, but I also have a fertility drawer where my medication that cost thousands of dollars sits.  It's just not fair.  Most people this weekend will be enjoying their holiday.  I'll get to be recovering from surgery and pining away about the outcome of my potential babies.  Most people will be spending Labor Day with their families while I'll only be dreaming of the family I can't have. I work in a medical office building and get to see pregnant women waddle down the hallway to the antenatal suite all the time....some with children in tow.  I just want ONE....they have two, three, sometimes more.  I've only seen the inside of that room in my dreams.  Even if this IVF does work out, it's unlikely I'll ever be able to give my child a sibling.   Since we started this journey, by no exaggeration I have counted over TWO dozen of my friends and family that have gotten pregnant in the time it's taken us to try for just one...some are already on their second.  While I'm happy for everyone else, I am so heartbroken for myself and wonder when it will be my turn.  I'm sick of watching everyone else get so easily what we can't.  I'm sick of hearing pregnancy and birth announcements while I sit here and inject myself with medication for a small chance of getting pregnant.  It's so difficult to watch yet another pregnant belly grow as I watch needles being stuck in mine.  This past weekend, we went out with friends and what was part of the topic of conversation....?  My husband happened to start a conversation about his job regarding unwanted children.  He works for the court system and sees SO many parents neglecting their children or giving them away because they can't care for them.  While he was telling stories, I was trying not fume inside that my fate is this. I was trying not to cry at the fact that people who don't even want children or can't care for them can have them while we can't.