WHY NOT ADOPT?
I hear this solution ALOT. I'd like to provide some insight about adoption from someone who can't have their own children's perspective. Before I was faced with infertility, I always thought about adoption. I knew a few couples struggling to have children of their own and always thought "why not just adopt?". It seemed like such a simple solution to wanting to be parents. Well now that I've unfortunately been faced with the reality of infertility, I have a better and less naive perspective that I wish to share. Unless you've lived a day in the life of someone with infertility, it's quite complex and difficult to understand. The "why not just adopt"solution just isn't as simple as it sounds. Here's why:
I guess first and foremost I want to have the experience that every other mother has out there who's grown a child inside of her. I doubt anyone would argue that this bonding experience isn't a miracle, so why should I have to miss out? I too want to feel what it's like to be pregnant (the good and even the bad parts), to share the news with friends, family and to experience the excitement of telling my husband he's going to be a daddy. With adoption you miss out on 9 months of that. As a woman, it's not selfish to WANT to do what God created me to do... to create life, to give birth and be a mother. It's what we are made to do and want. Also, while Chris and I would be happy with any child to raise, we would prefer it to be something our love created for each other. After all, that's why we got married....it's why most people get married. I want to see part of my husband in my child because I love him.
I guess first and foremost I want to have the experience that every other mother has out there who's grown a child inside of her. I doubt anyone would argue that this bonding experience isn't a miracle, so why should I have to miss out? I too want to feel what it's like to be pregnant (the good and even the bad parts), to share the news with friends, family and to experience the excitement of telling my husband he's going to be a daddy. With adoption you miss out on 9 months of that. As a woman, it's not selfish to WANT to do what God created me to do... to create life, to give birth and be a mother. It's what we are made to do and want. Also, while Chris and I would be happy with any child to raise, we would prefer it to be something our love created for each other. After all, that's why we got married....it's why most people get married. I want to see part of my husband in my child because I love him.
The fact is that adoption is expensive. Most people don't understand how much money it takes to take a child home. It actually shocked me when I looked into it and saw the cost. It seems like such a crime since there are so many loving couples who'd take great care of these children. The average cost of adoption is a little over $30,000....horrific in comparison to think about what it costs to terminate a pregnancy. If anyone who has given me this advice is willing to provide us with that kind of money, then we'd reconsider it even more strongly. The average couple, like us, doesn't have that kind of money. IVF averages around $15,000....I could try IVF twice for one cost of adoption and have a biological child.
In my research, it often takes months and for some even years to become matched with a birth mother. I'm active in reading chat rooms about infertility and adoption. The paperwork is extensive and there is no guarantee. In fact a few couples have been matched, waited an extraordinarily long time to take their child home, and got their hopes up.... only to have the birth mother change their mind. Then you are back to square one. I've been through so much heartache and have been on a huge emotional roller coaster ride so far that I can't even imagine adding that to the list. Every one has a breaking point. I'm nearly there already and for me that could be it. Just remember it doesn't always go smoothly and timely.
Adopting a child does not "cure" me from infertility or the damage it has caused emotionally. Even if I have my own child, those scars are deep and will always remain in some form. Adopting a child will only put a bandaide on a much bigger wound. It will not cure my maternal desire to want my own child and to have that experience of creating life. I think I'd make a great mom, either to my own child or someone else's but I can't say with 100% agreement that I'd be able to bond with someone else's child....at least not yet. That would be selfish of me to take a child home in hopes it would "cure" me of my desire to be a mother....only to find out the connection isn't there. Doubtfully that would happen, but this is a child's life and a risk I can't take. Every child deserves to be loved unconditionally. My worries and feelings may change over time as my story evolves, but that's how I feel at this stage. Before I can accept someone else's child as my own, I need to grieve my loss....the loss of not being able to have a child of my own. I'm not there....at least not yet.
In my research, it often takes months and for some even years to become matched with a birth mother. I'm active in reading chat rooms about infertility and adoption. The paperwork is extensive and there is no guarantee. In fact a few couples have been matched, waited an extraordinarily long time to take their child home, and got their hopes up.... only to have the birth mother change their mind. Then you are back to square one. I've been through so much heartache and have been on a huge emotional roller coaster ride so far that I can't even imagine adding that to the list. Every one has a breaking point. I'm nearly there already and for me that could be it. Just remember it doesn't always go smoothly and timely.
Adopting a child does not "cure" me from infertility or the damage it has caused emotionally. Even if I have my own child, those scars are deep and will always remain in some form. Adopting a child will only put a bandaide on a much bigger wound. It will not cure my maternal desire to want my own child and to have that experience of creating life. I think I'd make a great mom, either to my own child or someone else's but I can't say with 100% agreement that I'd be able to bond with someone else's child....at least not yet. That would be selfish of me to take a child home in hopes it would "cure" me of my desire to be a mother....only to find out the connection isn't there. Doubtfully that would happen, but this is a child's life and a risk I can't take. Every child deserves to be loved unconditionally. My worries and feelings may change over time as my story evolves, but that's how I feel at this stage. Before I can accept someone else's child as my own, I need to grieve my loss....the loss of not being able to have a child of my own. I'm not there....at least not yet.
Great post!! I'm with you 100%
ReplyDeleteGood for you....love getting messages like that out to others!!