The time for our next IVF is slowly approaching. We have a projected time frame of mid August. We are in the process of preparing mentally, physically and financially. We have fundraised about $3,000 thanks to our friends and family and have also saved a little over $3,000 ourselves in the past few weeks. Since we spent our money on the previous failed IVF attempt, we will have to take our a loan to pay the remainder (about $8,000). It still makes me sad and angry that most people can make their babies for free and seem to take it for granted how easy it is. Why does it have to be so hard, time consuming, expensive and frustrating for us? It's just not fair. We've been doing our due diligence by watching what we spend, we are eating healthier, taking our vitamins and supplements and getting our recommended exercise (most of the time). I want my body and mind in tip top shape. In this whole thing, it's the ONLY thing I have control over.
In the past few weeks I've done some soul searching. One of the conclusions we've come to as a couple is that this will most likely be our last IVF attempt....at least for a long time. For one thing, we simply can handle it financially. It's the equivalent of buying a brand new car outright....not realistic for the average Joe like us. It's sad that our entire life's dream hinges on a few thousand dollars that we don't have. Few people have to pay for their baby, but we do. Physically, IVF takes a toll on your body. While I'm used to the poking and prodding, it's still no picnic to inject dozens of needles, deal with the effects of hormones, and have surgical procedures even though they are considered "minor" to most. There's only so much a person can take and I am tired. We need time to try to be a "normal" couple....to reconnect and focus on something other than having a family (something we haven't been able to do for more than half our marriage). It seems ironic since that's why most people get married....to have a family. For our sanity and mental state of mind we simply need a long break or need to consider throwing in the towel. It's not easy to come to this conclusion. A few months ago I NEVER would have considered giving up but I've come to realize that while having a family is the MOST important thing to me...it's not the ONLY thing. It's difficult to re-imagine how you want your life to be when it's all you've ever imagined and when you are reminded of what you don't have nearly every turn you take. It takes practice to thing about the positive aspects of giving up, versus the negative aspects. It's no easy feat. But I've finally begun to mourn my loss and I hope others can see it as a loss. When someone loses something that's meaningful and important to them, it's usually something tangible....like a home, a person, a pet, a job. Some people have a hard time relating and don't always place it at the same level. If my husband died, I'd be allowed to feel sad for long while and it would be expected that I'd have a hard time dealing with life for some time. Infertility is a silent loss, often unrecognized on the same level. I've lost my meaning in life and our dream of what we wanted our lives and our marriage to be. That's a BIG deal...a life changing one. It's something we will never completely "get over" and it will always be a big part of us. While I'm extremely sad, this is the first time I am slowly becoming "ok" with the fact that I will never be a parent. I have started to say goodbye and put to rest my dreams of seeing those double lines on the pregnancy test, sharing our good news with others, giving my parents a grandchild, holding my child for the first time, reading bedtime stories, playing in the park, celebrating mother's and father's day...the list goes on. Those images in my head may only be just that. I may miss out on an awesome experience in life and while I can't replace it with something else, I can learn to create new awesome experiences that are meaningful. Whatever we decide to do, it will always be "second best" but still can have a ton of meaning....and fun. We just don't know what that will be quite yet.