Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Our Journey to the Baby Bump

Today has not been the best of days...I guess usually when I post it isn't.  I do have good and happy days though so I'm thankful for them.  They are just harder to come by these days.  Yesterday I went for my blood pregnancy test.  I was told that my insurance company will not pay for Abington's lab to process blood pregnancy tests (beta tests) so they must be sent out to another lab....GREAT....how sensitive of them to make me wait one more day. (Yet the 10 other blood tests I have each month can get processed in the hospital lab - makes no sense).  I did my best to not get my hopes up and not do a HPT and I did well....until last night.  I broke down and tested.  I went to work today, dreading the phone call that would confirm what I already knew.  About an hour before I received the call, there was no sense waiting for the call because my body already told me I wasn't pregnant.  

I don't expect the world to stop for me and I know other people have things going on, but only a small handful of people asked me the results, how things were or how I was doing.  I'm pretty vocal about what's going on so it's no secret that this another big week.  I was hurt and disappointed but life goes on.  I know I am overly sensitive lately and people probably aren't sure what to say or what not to say.  Sometimes saying nothing at all is worse than some of the mindless comments I hear.  So work went on as usual.  The past week has also been difficult because I am dealing with my father being very ill on top of everything else.  There's alot on my plate now.  I received the phone call from Dr Schinfeld who told me what I already found out twice in within the past few hours...why not hear it a third time?  It's a bit of a blur...everyone seemed so happy go lucky talking about fun things and here I am getting this stupid phone call.  All I wanted to do was cry but I had to come back to work and treat patients as if nothing happened.  The rest of the day went by with no one knowing how heartbroken I was.  I feel bad because it's all I ever seem to be lately and I feel it's getting old to some.  I have come pretty good at acting "normal" when I'm a mess inside.

We have another consult with the reproductive endocrinologist next Monday to discuss other options.  We still plan on finishing out our remaining 3 IUIs but will most likely move onto stronger injectable medication.  Anyone who knows me well will tell you how squeemish and afraid I am of needles.  I have already had to have 2 at home injections, but with the new medication I will most likely have to give them to myself daily.  It's what I have to do though.  At the appointment we will also further discuss the risks and benefits of IVF, the likelihood of it working for us, and the costs involved.  I have already come to terms that this is what we will probably need to do, but have not been able to come to terms what we'll do if it fails. This would be our last and only shot....now we just need to continue to reach our 15 to 20 thousand dollar saving mark for the treatment.  It's coming slow.  I try not to get jealous that others get to conceive their children the natural way (for free).  

The day was also more difficult because I let social media work my nerves.  It's hard to log onto facebook and hear people complaining about childcare tasks or what have you.  I understand people are venting, however some people don't understand that the things they "vent" about may be someone else's dream.  I have tried to learn to become more mindful of what I say because sometimes even simple mindless comments can be painful for others. 

I must say I am doing better this time around...with having 21 months of practice and all.  I only cried about a quarter of the time I did last time.   I'm sick of crying, sick of feeling out of control and helpless, sick of feeling sad, sick of painful treatments, sick of seeing my bank account drained, and sick of being angry that other people take for granted the blessings they have.  As a physical therapist, I would never say to a paraplegic..."want to join me in the Broad Street Run" or say to a deaf person "want to come to a concert with me?" but yet it seems ok to say things to an infertile person such as "want to come to my baby shower?"  It's just an observation is all. On another note...can't wait to be forgotten again on mother's day...just a painful reminder of who I'm not.

No comments:

Post a Comment