Sunday, November 11, 2012

Holiday season is right around the corner and based on last year I already knew this would be a hard time for me.  I just didn't think the disappointment would start so soon.  I've been really good lately at forgetting about our problem and my feelings. I'm basically trying to live life like we did before infertility became a common household word...if that's even possible.  I've started a new job and that's been a welcoming distraction.  It has good and bad parts.  First, if we are ever blessed with a child I live and work within 5 minutes of each other.  There's a daycare right down the street that I hear fine things about.  I try not to look at it on my commute because it's just another reminder.  The bad part is that since I just started, I can't be taking off so many days so soon.  It's puts a damper on our IVF planning for now.  Also, not that I'm being judgmental, but I now work with all men (my previous job I worked with wonderful supportive women). This is not a subject where you want to bring up as an ice-breaker, that's for sure.  While so far, my current male co-workers are great people, I don't yet know them on a personal level and am not sure how understanding they would be. In my years of working, it's been my experience that men do not mix work and family life is business only.  For myself, I'm happier and more productive if I know that my boss and co-workers care about me and have my best interests in long as I do my job of course.  I know this job is a good career  move for me, so I must be patient and hopeful that all will work out.  

Our original anticipated date for IVF would have been this month, however I felt it best to  hold off in case all didn't work out in our favor.  I can't image trying to live through an IVF failure, after spending all that time and thousands of dollars during the holiday season.  Now, due to my new job I am on a 90 day probationary period....meaning it's not advisable to be missing work all the time for medical appointments.  I like it there and hope to also make a good impression.  So that now leaves us with the new anticipated time of March.  Come hell or high water, I'm not letting anything postpone our dream any more.  I've already lived through 27 consecutive months of disappointments...something no one can understand unless you've lived it.  Also by then we should have our grand total of $14,000 saved!  That seems like alot of money....and it is for us, but it will be priceless if it works.  If not, then a year of savings and sacrifices is basically thrown down the toilet.  

Like I was saying, the past few months have seemed almost "normal".  I don't have the day to day reminder of taking medication or injecting myself with needles or going to the doctor for poking and prodding 4 to 5 days a week.  I've even had the courage to hang out with a few friends and their babies.   I've also had to try to act "normal" around a few of my pregnant friends.  It's not an easy task, but gets a little better each time.  It's hard to live with mixed feelings of anger and jealousy when you genuinely want to be happy for their fortune.  Even though it brings up so many painful feelings for me, I also don't want to miss out on the lives of people I care about.  It's a hard balance...sometimes I do well and sometimes I end up crying alone when I get home.  That's the breaks.


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