Yesterday, for the first time in awhile I cried tears of joy....not sadness or frustration.  I almost forgot what it felt like to be genuinely happy and excited about something.  I received a voicemail from a woman at BabyQuest... if you've read my past few blogs I mentioned applying for a grant that could assist Chris and I with IVF costs.  Never in a million years did I think I would be considered.  In fact, I  failed to apply to another grant because I thought our chances were too slim.  While at times it seems I'm the only person going through this, I know there are hundreds and thousands of couples struggling with the same hardships we have....some less fortunate than us.  Needless to say I did apply and put a great amount of effort into my essay and wrote straight from my heart (as cheesy as that sounds).  I don't know if it was our letter, the pictures of our "kids" (our cats) we included in our application packet, or our situation but they chose us as one of the finalists!  I wish I could say how many people we were chosen from, but even if it's 10, it's still an honor to be considered.  Chris and I are just your average couple....but a couple who desires children so badly.  I hope they can see that.  We have to finish our final application statements and I suppose should be hearing back within a few days or weeks about the results.  It almost feels like the "two week" wait again (the wait time after a procedure to find out if your going to be parents).  

Like most couples, long before Chris and I first married we talked about children.  I was in NO rush and neither was he.  As we evolved as a couple, settled in our careers and become more responsible we decided it was time.  At the time we started trying I was 32 and Chris was nearly 40....we are over 2 years older and now MUCH wiser as we've learned alot about people, love and life.  Sometimes I get nervous because Chris is over 40 and we are just starting to have kids.  Despite all my practice, my face STILL must drop several inches when people ask me if I have any kids.  My hope is for both of us to be healthy and around for our children.   Compared to most of my friends, I have older parents myself and I know how hard it can be.  The past few years my dad has been sick and in and out of the hospital literally dozens of times each year.  All I ever wanted was for him to meet my kids, to have them know who he is, and to take them fishing.  All of my 7 brothers and sisters have kids and have all had that opportunity; I wish they realized how lucky they are.  In fact, some of my nieces and nephews already have kids and they too have had chances I may never get.  A few months back when we all thought we almost lost him, he promised me he'd be around to take my kids fishing.  Since then, he's been in and out of the hospital a few more times and it makes me wonder if he'll keep his promise....I know it's a promise no one can keep.  

Another funny thing is that I only ever wanted ONE child...my career and freedom always seemed more important.  It's funny how things in life change.  When I think about our family getting together for the holidays and how much I care about my siblings, I want that for our children.  But considering Chris's (and my) age and difficulties conceiving, I wonder if that will just be a dream or reality. Honestly, at this point all I want is one baby to love, teach and care for. 

Please send positive thoughts and prayers our way while these member decide the worthy applicants.  I'm trying to be optimistic (something that doesn't always come easily), but then it hurts harder when you fall.  All I can do is hope and pray.  With or without them we will eventually try our chances at IVF, but it sure would be a great Christmas gift if we were chosen.  The past two Christmas's I've just barely survived at times so it would be a nice change.  While they can't help with the emotional strain infertility can cause, it' nice that some of our financial strain can be eliminated....angels come in all shapes and sizes after-all.

Holiday season is right around the corner and based on last year I already knew this would be a hard time for me.  I just didn't think the disappointment would start so soon.  I've been really good lately at forgetting about our problem and my feelings. I'm basically trying to live life like we did before infertility became a common household word...if that's even possible.  I've started a new job and that's been a welcoming distraction.  It has good and bad parts.  First, if we are ever blessed with a child I live and work within 5 minutes of each other.  There's a daycare right down the street that I hear fine things about.  I try not to look at it on my commute because it's just another reminder.  The bad part is that since I just started, I can't be taking off so many days so soon.  It's puts a damper on our IVF planning for now.  Also, not that I'm being judgmental, but I now work with all men (my previous job I worked with wonderful supportive women). This is not a subject where you want to bring up as an ice-breaker, that's for sure.  While so far, my current male co-workers are great people, I don't yet know them on a personal level and am not sure how understanding they would be. In my years of working, it's been my experience that men do not mix work and family life alot...work is business only.  For myself, I'm happier and more productive if I know that my boss and co-workers care about me and have my best interests in mind....as long as I do my job of course.  I know this job is a good career  move for me, so I must be patient and hopeful that all will work out.  

Our original anticipated date for IVF would have been this month, however I felt it best to  hold off in case all didn't work out in our favor.  I can't image trying to live through an IVF failure, after spending all that time and thousands of dollars during the holiday season.  Now, due to my new job I am on a 90 day probationary period....meaning it's not advisable to be missing work all the time for medical appointments.  I like it there and hope to also make a good impression.  So that now leaves us with the new anticipated time of March.  Come hell or high water, I'm not letting anything postpone our dream any more.  I've already lived through 27 consecutive months of disappointments...something no one can understand unless you've lived it.  Also by then we should have our grand total of $14,000 saved!  That seems like alot of money....and it is for us, but it will be priceless if it works.  If not, then a year of savings and sacrifices is basically thrown down the toilet.  

Like I was saying, the past few months have seemed almost "normal".  I don't have the day to day reminder of taking medication or injecting myself with needles or going to the doctor for poking and prodding 4 to 5 days a week.  I've even had the courage to hang out with a few friends and their babies.   I've also had to try to act "normal" around a few of my pregnant friends.  It's not an easy task, but gets a little better each time.  It's hard to live with mixed feelings of anger and jealousy when you genuinely want to be happy for their fortune.  Even though it brings up so many painful feelings for me, I also don't want to miss out on the lives of people I care about.  It's a hard balance...sometimes I do well and sometimes I end up crying alone when I get home.  That's the breaks.