Today I'm filled with mixed emotions....it's a bittersweet day.  Today, May 20th, is the love of my life's (my daughter's) FIRST birthday!  I didn't think in a million years today would be so hard.  I expected today to be filled with only joy and celebration.  While it was filled with happiness, I am also a little sad to say goodbye to her infancy and move into the next chapter.

I'm sure this is hard for most people to understand.  I would suspect that most people reading this struggle with infertility and would give their right arm to be in my situation right now.  I've been there.  For years, I felt like I was always on the outside looking in, mostly sad, jealous and angry I couldn't and didn't have the family I so desired...what everyone else seemed to be able to create so easily.  It was hard and even to this day it is still difficult for me to hear pregnancy announcements.  Even though I have dealt with these feelings, it still conjures up past memories that aren't all that great.  And because I don't feel like my family is complete, it still hurts.

Why is it so easy for others to make a family, yet so hard for us?  It's not fair.  Even so called "beating" infertility, I still can't get over the unfairness of it all.  I love my daughter to bits and to the moon and back a million times over but I want a brother or sister for her and likely won't be able to make that happen.  I cherished every day with her so far and didn't take a day for granted.  It's hard knowing that she will likely be my sole experience at motherhood, albeit so far a great one.  I'll never get to be in the delivery room again and have that moment when you meet for the first time.....so many firsts....I remember them all and long to have them again with another child.  I know this sounds a little selfish as I should be happy I have her.  I am.  I truly am.  But no one calls someone calls a woman selfish who isn't experiencing infertility when she wants another baby.  Kinda sounds like a double standard if you ask me.  Infertility is hard for people who haven't experienced it to relate.  People say some pretty hurtful things at times like telling the story of how it only took them ONE time to get pregnant.  People think that because I have my daughter I should be 100% happy and fulfilled and "get over it"....that I'm lucky enough to have her.  Half of that IS true.  I AM lucky to have her, especially after multiple failed treatments.  But she was such a blessing and a joy that I want to experience it all over again.  So while this day is a happy milestone for me, it is also somewhat sad and reminds me of my shortcomings.  Granted when I look at her, most of the sadness melts away....but it is still hard knowing I can't provide her with a sibling.