RESOLVE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT.....how to help others understand your journey.

www.resolve.org/niaw

Most of you reading this already know the significance of this week...most reading probably are, have or know someone who's struggled with the heartbreak of not being able to conceive a child without difficulty.  For those who don't, it's National Infertility Awareness Week.  It's 7 days out of the year dedicated to infertility awareness and ever since our struggle began years ago, I like to take time to recognize it.  

This year's theme is RESOVE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT....    I've known this week has been coming for awhile and have wondered how I'm going to start this post.   It just came to me today while I was driving to work listening to the radio.  A local radio station was interviewing Robin Roberts from Good Morning America.  While getting ready for work each morning I usually tune in to follow the news.  For those who don't know, she's battled and beat cancer...twice.  When asked why she is so passionate about sharing her story, her answer was this:  "my mom always told me to make your 'mess' your message."  Everyone has their "stuff"....something difficult in life they've lived through that's important to them...something that's hopefully changed them for the better .  Infertility is my story.  Basically what she was saying is that it would tragic to battle something that's so significant and important to you and not learn a lesson or come out the other side a changed and better person.  What would be even better is if not only you were a changed person who's learned a valuable lesson, but if you could help to educate and show others the importance so they too could grow as a person.  It's a great way to change something tragic into something positive.  

It took my husband and I a lot of thought about whether or not to share with people the details of our struggle versus keeping it superficial or private.  He was behind me 100% to share our story with others and to even blog about it.  Since then, he too has been more open about sharing our story.  I knew there was always the chance of being misunderstood or made to feel as if my feelings and struggles weren't significant or as significant as something else.  In my mind it's impossible to "rank" someone's situation as being more or less important....but I  knew others potentially could and did.  No one likes to have their feelings invalidated.  If it's important to you and important enough to share something that's personal and close to your heart, then it IS important.  

What I've learned over the past few years is that infertility is often one of those topics either not talked about, brushed under the rug, or not seen as a big of a deal as it is...until you personally struggle with it that is.  It hasn't and doesn't get the same recognition as other issues and many people simply don't realize the emotional, physical and financial turmoil it can have.  How can we change this?  The only way is to speak up and educate others not in our situation.  I think this is an important lesson, not just for infertility but for anything, especially for something that's not commonplace and easily relatable.  Let others in on why it's so incredibly hard.  Why is it such a heartache to live through month after month of repeated disappointment and loss of a dream...why does it sting so badly when we hear yet another pregnancy or birth announcement...why is it so difficult afford expensive treatments....why the physical pain of tests and treatments breaks you down....why you can't seem to get it together sometimes when you accidentally walk down the diaper isle.....why you can't bear to attend baby showers to protect your feelings and sanity....why your relationship can be strained at times with your partner....and the why's could go one forever.  Sure there's always the chance of being misunderstood or blown off, but even if you get through to one person, it's a person who's learned how to be compassionate not only for you as a support but also for others.   Unless you share with someone why this disease is so difficult to navigate, how can they begin to understand unless they've lived it?  

To this day, we've lost a few friends along the way because they couldn't understand our thoughts and actions and other relationships were strained.  People we've shared our journey
with still say things that hurt, but it's a start to help them understand.  On the positive side, explaining our story has created some great relationships we otherwise may not have had the chance to.  Making people more aware and sympathetic is the only way to get the support we need.  The more people that can be compassionate and aware of the the impact of infertility, the more awareness can be raised and that makes a cure one step closer.  


For more information about Resolve.org please look at the following links:
http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

The more time that passes and the more open I am with our struggles, I am finding more and more couples that have joined the infertility club....none willingly.  Most haven't had to go to our extremes of IVF but nonetheless have still struggled.   I am amazed at the thought that while we were one of the lucky ones where treatment finally worked after 3 years, there are alot of people who it has never worked for yet and others who have had to take even more extreme and expensive measures such as using donor eggs.  While we waited and agonized 3 long years, at least it did finally happen and it saddens me that others are still waiting for their miracle.  The last 3 years of life has been such a blurr and honestly I feel like I "lost" those years as they were the worst of my life.  In the end, at least I can say it all paid off and I am also so glad I have a new perspective and appreciation for certain things in life.  I never would have had the opportunity otherwise to grow as a person and build some of the relationships I did (not to mention purge a few of the unhealthy ones).  At least for me, it did take alot of struggle and pain to get to a better place and to become a better person with a unique perspective.  There are so many more things in life I appreciate as a result.  

I have often said that I feel like infertility stole my identity...it made me feel like less of a person.  Oddly enough now that we have finally "beat" infertility I once again feel like my identity has been lost.  While not fun or mentally healthy at times, I spent 3 years of my life focusing on this and putting all my time, thought and energy in it.  I understand it was only a part of me, but it was a BIG part and influence. Now I feel in limbo....I will always be a part of the "infertility club" as those feelings never completely subside...but now am part of the world I so wished for - parenthood.  Unless you've lived it, it's a hard and difficult transition, albeit a mostly happy and grateful one.  While baby B is on her way soon, when I look at her I will feel such happiness but also a reminder of the hard times we went through to bring her here.  I want so badly to have a sibling for her but realistically that probably won't happen.  I am afraid of having all those feelings come rushing back and feeling sad and inadequate because we can't have anymore children.  I hope what gets me through it is remembering how I would have KILLED to be in my situation a year ago.  

I promised not to let this blog turn into a blog about pregnancy....or how we over came devil I call infertility.  Yeah, we "crossed over" and are now on the other side of being one of the lucky ones where all our hard work, perseverance, and fertility treatments actually worked.  For those who annoyingly tell me things like "see I told you so", or "I knew it would happen" still don't understand the  impact it has had on me or the fact that I could have easily not been one of the lucky ones....the fact that there are still thousands of people running in circles and losing their minds like I was a few short months ago.  A good percentage will never cross over to the other side and I want people who say things like that or who believe things like God will grant every good person a baby if they so desire to take a step back and realize what they are saying.  It's like being told that it was all in my head and I should've been patient and not worried because "it was bound to happen."  I suppose no one can understand where I'm coming from unless you've lived it so I try my best to be forgiving and understanding.  I KNOW this child is a blessing and I'm so lucky to be where I'm at...so many people take for granted how easy it is to have a family.  I am not, and will never be one of them.  I look at the world from a whole new perspective that I could never have known 3 years ago.  It sucked, it was hard, these were the moments when I was at my lowest...but in a weird way I am glad it all happened so I have this new perspective on the value of things.  In this case, my case, it's true that you can't appreciate the good things until you've experienced that bad.  I think because to this, I was molded to be a better parent than I would have been 3 years ago.  What a great gift.

As I prepare for this gift, I have mixed emotions that I never thought I would have.  When you want a family so bad....that's all you think about.  You CAN'T look into the future because it's too painful to imagine what you may never have.  My thoughts always stopped at the positive pregnancy test because they had to.  So now that I am embarking on this journey I waited my whole life for...it's surprisingly difficult.  I guess I imagined that once I knew we were going to have a family, I'd be just like every other mom-to-be.  I am in alot of ways as I have the same fears and hopes....but this stupid extra baggage has a way of creeping up on you at times.  I'm ecstatic but have moments where old memories and feelings easily surface....like it's STILL hard to hear pregnancy announcements for example.  Weird, but apparently normal.  I wondered why but when I look deeper, you don't just stop feeling sad that you didn't "have it as easy" or can't help thinking I'll never be able to give this child a sibling.  Feelings like that don't just "turn off" because you now have what you wanted.  I wish they did.  At times, I still find it difficult to have a conversation about my pregnancy or future child.  I feel somewhat guilty that I'm one of the lucky ones and the whole concept seems SO foreign to talk about since it's been faux pax to me for so long.  Or recently I attended a baby shower.  Even though it was for a good friend, could I have done that if our last treatment failed?  Likely not...and even though it's totally normal to feel sad, I still feel like a bad friend because I knew in my heart of hearts I probably would have declined.  You take yourself out of certain parts of life to protect yourself, yet you are expected to and still have to live it.  That's not easy.  I'm transitioning from that mentality that I've known for so long, to a new mentality where I really did get the fairy tale ending....but it's still not easy.  Someone who's only known poverty their whole life will likely have a hard time spending money things they only dreamed of.  I'm no different.  I feel guilty about complaining about the woes of pregnancy, the aches and pains and often feel judged when I do....  I do complain but try to limit it as best as I can to the people who can understand the most.  Some coworkers recently mentioned that they were amazed how lucky I was to have a pregnancy with few glitches and no horrible symptoms....if they only knew that wasn't the case.  What I will say is that I have a new respect for anyone creating life and leave it at that.  There have been times when I've held my tongue how crappy I really feel and there has also been times when I let it slip.  For some people, I feel that I am held to a different standard than others and I get "but this is what you wanted" lecture.  Yeah it is so let me experience it like every other pregnant woman out there.   It IS true that this is what I wanted....I wanted the good, the bad and the ugly of being pregnant and raising a family and it doesn't make me any less happy or grateful.   Would anyone judge a cancer survivor if they complained about having a crappy day?  Likely not, yet somehow I feel folks with infertility are held to different standards...like we can never complain about pregnancy or parenthood.  I welcome my future complaints and annoyances I will have about being a parent because I know that I am FINALLY like everyone else....and I will, like everyone else get to experience the joys too!  

PTSD

This post is kinda a continuation of last post.  "I should be more happy", I keep telling myself.  Don't get me wrong, I AM happy that we are finally able to have a baby.....REALLY REALLY happy.  But a piece of me thinks I should be more happy. Elated.  Shouldn't I be even more happy than the average person who finds out they are going to be a mom for the first time?   Sometimes I got to wonder what was wrong with me.  It prompted me to bring it up with a trusted therapist and even do my own research to see if I'm "normal".  Everyone likes to feel as if what they are feeling is normal and I'm no different in this situation.  Everyone needs to feel as if their feelings are validated and important...and that you're not crazy. Upon my research I found a few interesting medical research articles.  PTSD is what I found. PTSD, I thought?  To me it was weird and impossible.  Isn't PTSD only what soldiers get after horrifying and life alerting experiences?  Surely someone with infertiltiy couldn't be compared to them?  I'm not saying I have PTSD because I'm not self diagnosing myself....I'll leave that to the professionals.  BUT I just want it out there that it can happen and IS real.  I would never dare to compare infertility with being on the battlefield, as the soldiers that have been see more in their lifetime than I luckily ever will.  God Bless them for doing what they do, because I couldn't.  But in a much different way couples that struggle with infertility have lived through their own different and VERY real kind of battle.  I just wanted to share some excerpts of the articles I found and make everyone aware there are other articles of "proof" if you need it.  

Examining PTSD as a Complication of Infertility

, New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center, New York City, , Manhattan Psychiatric Center, New York City, , New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center, , Cornell University Medical College, , Advanced Fertility Services, New York City

Disclosures

Medscape General Medicine. 1997;1(2) 

"Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a psychiatric disorder that may develop following exposure to threatened or actual injury or death. While commonly associated with war or natural disaster, symptoms of PTSD have been described in patients who are undergoing or who have completed infertility treatment or high-risk pregnancies....."

"Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is diagnosed in patients with persistent psychiatric distress resulting from events involving actual or threatened death or injury.^[1] Subsequent to the trauma, victims experience feelings of intense fear, helplessness, or horror. The precipitating trauma sets in motion a series of physical and emotional reactions that can have major and long-lasting effects. The characteristic triad of PTSD symptoms include (1) persistent re-experiencing of the event, (2) avoidance of reminders and numbing of responsiveness, and (3) increased arousal. Significant distress and functional impairment may result. Psychologically, PTSD is characterized by a classic triad of intrusive, avoidant, and hyperarousal symptoms."

"Although PTSD commonly occurs in situations such as war or natural disaster, other life-threatening situations like sexual or physical assault, being kidnapped or taken hostage, or being diagnosed with a life-threatening illness^[2] have been cited as precipitants...."

"The inability to conceive can catapult some patients into a state of shock, disbelief, and helplessness.^[3]Infertile couples must grieve 2 losses simultaneously: the loss of their ability to procreate as well as the loss of the hope for children. Women who have difficulty conceiving may react to these dual realizations as simply loss, or alternatively as psychological trauma. Those who experience a loss may subsequently develop major affective or adjustment disorders, but those who experience this loss as a trauma may instead develop PTSD. We have observed the development of PTSD in women who have experienced a variety of reproductive problems, including infertility, miscarriage, complicated pregnancy or delivery, and multiple births."

"When PTSD develops in response to infertility or other adverse reproductive events, patients exhibit the classic triad of symptoms described above. They may re-experience the trauma as nightmares, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts about distressing procedures or pregnancy loss.^[1] Symptoms may manifest as extreme distress under seemingly innocuous circumstances, such as seeing a pregnant woman, menstruating, or visiting the doctor's office; these types of occurrences may trigger a recollection of the infertility battle or mark an anniversary of events in the struggle to conceive and/or to complete a difficult pregnancy."

"Avoidant symptoms include hesitance to discuss the trauma or to engage in any activities, thoughts, and feelings connected with infertility, pregnancy, or childbirth. The woman may be reluctant to discuss the experience with even her most intimate contacts. Avoidance may result in failure to bond, or a delay in bonding, with a newborn. Some PTSD-afflicted women even experience an aversion to the baby and become anxious just holding the infant. Other symptoms include amnesia regarding certain aspects of the trauma, apathy toward previously cherished pleasures or toward other children at home, hopelessness, feelings of isolation, and a general dulling of emotional responsivity."

"Comment. This case demonstrates the feelings of shock and helplessness associated with infertility itself. Some patients become overly involved in their infertility treatment as a defense against feelings of inadequacy.^[3] Further, the infertility work-up and treatment may be perceived as trauma in that it can be painful, humiliating, and intrusive. The nature of the treatment may lead to estrangement from one's own body and sexuality and a distorted perception of the self as merely a vessel for conception. This case also demonstrates some of the marital and sexual problems typical of patients with infertility.^[9,10]"..... Social withdrawal is common with PTSD and has the effect of depriving the woman of much-needed support of friends and relatives. The stigma of infertility is another barrier to seeking support."

"... It is painfully ironic that many of the patients who win their battle with infertility subsequently develop PTSD or another psychiatric illness during or after the pregnancy. Since the full implications of the relationship between infertility and PTSD have yet to be fully explored, this area remains very worthwhile for future research"

Here is few excerpts from another article:

Allyson Bradow, director of psychological services at Home of the Innocents, a nonprofit organization in Kentucky

"The definition of trauma should be expanded to include expectations of life," said Bradow, who went through fertility treatments herself, and conducted the study as a doctoral student at Spalding University in Louisville. "Having children, expanding your family, carrying on your genetic code — that's an instinctual drive that we have as human beings. And when that is being threatened, it's not necessarily your life being threatened, but your expectation of what your life can be or should be like," she said.

The general diagnosis of infertility, or not being able to have a baby, is kind of this giant earthquake that rocks your world. And then, there's all the aftershocks," of fertility testing and treatment, Bradow said.

Bradow said the symptoms she experienced during fertility treatment went beyond those of depression and grief, conditions previously linked to fertility treatment. Others she spoke with felt the same.
To find out how widespread these feelings were, Bradow and colleagues surveyed 142 people who had undergone fertility treatments, and who visited online support groups for infertility. Survey participants — 97 percent of whom were women — completed an online survey to assess their symptoms of PTSD. They were asked to consider their infertility diagnosis and fertility treatment as their traumatic event...Overall, 46 percent met the criteria for PTSD. Among this group, 75 to 80 percent said they felt upset at reminders of their infertility, such as seeing commercials for baby diapers. Other common symptoms included feeling distant or cut off from people, or feeling irritable. Many also said they felt hopeless, and had changes in their personality."

I'm still not "over it"


As I've posted before, just because our miracle finally happened, doesn't mean I'm cured of infertility and that "I'm over it".  Anyone with something so devastating and life changing would agree that the wounds are always somewhat fresh, especially when a trigger appears.  Why do you think so many cancer survivors are passionate about joining walks and celebrating life?  The hard part is that the infertility folks don't have the support like most other groups.  There's no "infertility survivor" support group.  You'd be hard pressed to find any type of support group readily available, although this is slowly changing.

Sure we will have our child we wanted so badly but I still am traumatized by my experiences the last few years.  I have more anxiety than the average pregnant woman that something will happen to my baby.  It took years to get where we are and unlike them I don't have the luxury of trying again should something horrible happen.  With every new symptom or lack thereof....I'm nervous something is wrong.  
Unlike everyone else I know we had to pay to get pregnant.  We have accrued debt most other couples will never know.  Sure we had a little help, but most of it we did on our own by saving money and working extra jobs.  Hallelujah for friends and family that helped us out.  Like most couples, soon we'll have daycare to pay for.  We both need to work and aren't lucky enough to have family watch our child.  But UNLIKE most couples, we are still "paying the baby off".  Babies are expensive and if we are going to make ends meet, it is essential the debt is paid off before the arrival of our child.  While other couples are enjoying shopping for baby items, I'm frantically figuring out how I'm going to pay for these items AND our debt at the same time.  While I'm lucky to be where I am, it does take alot of the joy away that I was SO looking forward to experiencing.  
As I mentioned in my previous post...most of my friends get to "family plan".  They get to decide how many kids they are having and when.  They get to choose if their child has a sibling and when.  We don't.  We know our child will be an only child and I so desperately want them to have a sibling.  That will never happen.  Before people asked me if and when I had children....now they ask how many I'm going to have and how far apart.  Some even comment I NEED more than one child to avoid "only child syndrome" or a "spoiled" child.  Seriously?  Some people are so naive.  Some people have even commented that we will not be real parents until we have two....for all the fighting and sibling rivalry.  Considering we have fought for this and have been through hell and back, I can say we already are REAL parents because we have been through more than most will ever know or experience.  THAT is what makes a real parent....sacrificing for your child.....not listening to fighting.  We can't afford a baby AND expensive fertility treatments so it WILL be an only child.  But hey.....I am lucky to have at least one.  Many others don't even have that choice.  I wish people would realize that. 
I'm extra sensitive about gender questioning.  My least favorite question is, "what do you hope your having" or "what would you prefer, a boy or girl?"  For most, this is a simple and innocent question.  For me, it sets off a trigger.  After ALL we've been through we are just lucky to have ONE child....we were told we'd likely have none.  Why, after knowing we could have ended up without any, would I be picky enough to want a certain gender?   I'll take anything since we are lucky to have anything at all.  For me it's the equivalent of a starving person turning up their noses at baked chicken....you should be blessed you have what you do.  It makes my blood boil when people who have all boys and are griping that they wanted a girl with this pregnancy.....do they realize some people can't have any.  Any child is a blessing.
I've been warned by a therapist that guilt and subsequent depression are a side effect of those who have children after struggling with infertility.  Seems weird but when she explained it, it made complete sense.  Most would think that after we finally achieved our goal, we'd be happier than most.  The truth is that we have placed high pressure on ourselves for wanting children.  We know firsthand how lucky we are to be blessed with a successful fertility treatment and a child.  Let's face it, most parents have moments when they want to strangle their child and most pregnant women have moments when they wish they weren't pregnant anymore.  It's human nature.  However, we often feel guilty for having these thoughts since we know how lucky we are.  We feel horrible and guilty for having such awful thoughts when we could have ended up with nothing at all.  Sure it's human nature, but often we are harder on ourselves than "normal people" without fertility issues for such negativity.  I've already had moments when I could barely get out of bed from morning sickness and could barely make it through the day.  I was SO hard on myself because all I could keep thinking was "you should be so lucky, you could have nothing" and "this is what you asked for".  It's also funny how at the first moment you let your guard down and complain, people are 10 times quicker to let you know it.  We seem to be held to higher standards when it comes to venting...like you're not allowed.  Sure I'm hard on those that complain about what they have.....but that's usually because they don't follow it with the acknowledgement that they are still blessed and lucky to have what they do.  I don't need to be made to feel guilty when I complain.....I make myself feel that way enough.  And I know how lucky I am, even when I do complain.  Not everyone does.  

What the doctors don't tell you....

The goal of infertility treatments are this:  Step one = to get pregnant. Step two = to stay pregnant.  Some couples that struggle with infertility can easily get pregnant but are plagued with frequent miscarriages.  I think most are like us....we couldn't make it to step one and couldn't get pregnant.  Either way, both are devastating because you never get to bring a baby home and have the family you long for.  

So when we FINALLY made it to step one after several years and procedures later, we didn't realize the uncertainties that could happen after that.  I think the hard part for me is that we've never been pregnant, so how do we know if there's a problem with miscarrying?   It is a big unknown the doctors never really speak of.  It took us years just to make it to the first step and I couldn't imagine trying so hard to get pregnant and then find out we have yet another problem with carrying and keeping the baby.  It was a big blow.  I'll never forget the phone call from Dr. Sobel when he said our beta was positive.  I suspected it was, but hearing it was by far the best words ever spoken to me.  "Honey, I'll clean the house" was the second.  Just kidding.  However, it was followed by news I didn't ever suspect.  "Come in every 3 days to get your blood tested to make sure it's a viable pregnancy." What?!  How could this not be viable after all we've been through?  We were SO focused on getting to step one.....we never even thought about step two.  While I was elated I was also more scared than I've ever been in my life.  For about 2 weeks I went to the office about every third day to  make sure my hormone levels were steadily rising.  Numbers that don't rise means you are losing the baby.  Waiting for those results every three days was painstakingly slow and horrible.  I must have checked my phone a million times.  For fertility doctors, this procedural...for me it felt like life or death.  

The next step is waiting for your first ultrasound....usually done at "5 weeks pregnant".  They kept saying how important it was to hear a heartbeat, but "don't worry, sometimes it's too early".  I've ready blogs and internet articles about women who finally got pregnant, only to never hear a heartbeat.  It made me sick to think that could be me too and the worry got the best of me, even though I was still happy to just have this chance.  I lost a few nights of sleep during this process needless to say.  Having never been pregnant, I didn't realize how important and fragile early pregnancy is.  It's something that wasn't spoken to me...maybe because it would have just fueled my worry.  At week 5, we had our first glimpse of our baby-to-be and we were SO lucky to hear a heartbeat.  THAT was the best sound I've ever heard.  For the next few weeks, I had weekly ultrasound appointments to make sure the baby was developing according to plan.  Although it's pretty obvious, no one ever told me how important this was....mostly because most women don't get 50 million ultrasounds because they are "normal".   I can remember long nights of waiting for the next ultrasound, hoping and praying all would be well.  There's so many things they are looking for in these ultrasounds....which means there are so many things that could be wrong.  Once I knew what they were looking for, I had a check off list in my head each time I went.  With each good ultrasound I grew slightly less anxious, but the feeling never completely goes away.  Most women get one to two ultrasounds their entire pregnancy because they are "normal" and not "high risk", that it's foreign to them when I speak of so many ultrasounds.  While I was dreading the ultrasounds in a way because I might have gotten bad news, they were a needed relief to see that everything was ok.  With each ultrasound the doctor's gave me my "chances of miscarriage"....something I never knew or thought of before....but it was real scary.

My point is that people who don't struggle with infertility will never know how this feels....getting the best news of your life but that black ominous cloud still looms overhead.  Miscarriage sucks no matter who has one or what the circumstances, but unlike my fertile friends I can't "just try again" next month.  This is a once in a lifetime chance the way I see it....a miracle (if I believed in them).  When I first started this journey, I didn't realize that I'd accumulate emotional scars that would never go away.  This is just one example.  While I'm lucky that we are going to have one child, it still kills me that I can't give our baby a sibling, especially when I hear friends say "well we'll likely have more than one".  I want that too...but I can't have that.  I want my baby to grow up with a brother or sister.  I want them to have someone when we are gone...someone to spend holidays with and someone to reminisce about memories.  It kills me to hear people "plan" their future.  How they talk about how they are going to "try" to get pregnant so their kids are only 2 years apart.  Don't talk to me about trying, because you don't know the true meaning.  It must be nice to be able to plan your life the way you want it because your body works the way it was intended....so many people take this for granted.  

Bittersweet

This post is bittersweet and surprisingly alot harder to write than I ever imagined it to be.  The past 37 months have hands down been the hardest journey physically, mentally and emotionally that Chris and I have ever had to traverse.  I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.  Sure infertility isn't life threatening but then again, ALOT of things people have to deal with in this world aren't and are still freaking difficult to navigate:  many illnesses, death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job...   Somehow no one "gets" how tough infertility is to live through...until you've lived through it.  It often gets brushed to the side.  There's no ranking in life of difficult circumstances so I'm not preaching that infertility "takes the cake" on anything, but I DO know it's hard...damn hard.  I'm living proof how significant it can be in someone's life.   Who can possibly judge "who has it worse" and who has enough gall to say one person's struggles with any problems are harder than anothers'?  Interestingly enough, research has found that women experiencing infertility have emotional stress levels similar to cancer patients.  Most people that experience infertility live through some amount of depression.  Depression stemming from any cause is no joke.    
One thing infertility has taught me is to never judge someone's problems or way of handling them unless you've been there.  It's easy to say how you'd handle the situation until you've lived through it.  

So that leads me to our announcement.  WE ARE EXPECTING. I can finally say "I'm pregnant!!!!!"  Because we are a bit high risk, for obvious reasons we didn't want to announce too early.  I can't imagine anything worse than telling everyone we FINALLY did it, only to announce we miscarried. There is still a chance, but the farther along I am, my chances become less.  There are no words to describe how we felt and how happy we were when we first found out.  Shocked...elated...overjoyed....  I was convinced it was yet another failure in the so many we have on our belts.  But this time we got lucky and I thank God and anyone else who'll listen that our dream finally came true.  Even though we are so very happy, I will admit a huge part of me can't yet be happy yet.  I'm so conditioned to believing that everything ends is failure.  I can't help but to think that why is this any different and that this pregnancy will end.  The scars infertility leaves are always there and this is a big reminder how deep they are.  I don't think I will truly be happy until I see and hold our baby for the first time....until I know it can't be taken away.  Unless you've lived through so much disappointment it's quite difficult to explain how it's so hard to be happy....but actually for those who've experienced infertility it's quite a normal feeling. Sure most women at some point in their pregnancy worry something will go wrong, but couples who've lived through infertility have it worse due to past experiences.  ANY miscarriage I'm sure is difficult, but we don't have the luxury of trying again next month.  Hell, even it's taken 3 years, 3 IUIs and 2 IVFs to get pregnant....not to mention most couples don't have to shell out upwards of 15 grand for one single shot.  There's alot more at stake is all I'm trying to point out.  

The other problem I struggle with is all the people who read or follow this blog that are still trudging through the trenches of infertility.  Our journey has been a long one....but SO many others have been even longer and my heart aches for them.  Even though we've been through hell and back, I'm still one of the lucky ones.  Some will never get so lucky and may never get their chance.  It's just so incredibly unfair.  I can be honest and speak the truth that while I was happy for those who got pregnant before me, I was also incredibly heartbroken for myself.  I was angry and sad beyond belief to watch someone else live my dream....something that comes so easily for most people.  I cried silently for days at some pregnancy and birth announcements that is wasn't me too.  While I'm ecstatic for myself, it kills me to think that I am causing pain for some of my readers.  I know....I've been there.  No one wants to hear.... "just be patient, or it'll happen, or have faith, or you never know, or when it's meant to be".  For someone living through infertility, that advice is crappy because it's not always true and even if it is it doesn't kill the pain in the meantime while we wait.   And all we have to do is wait.  So I'm not going to offer any advice but just know that my thoughts are with those who are still battling their battle.  

I'm not sure what'll happen to my blog.  As of now my wounds are still fresh and I don't think I'll ever really get over the past few years.  It stole a big part of my life but you know what?  It taught me alot about myself...how strong I am and it taught me alot about life and other people.  That's a lesson that's is priceless and can't be earned without living it.  Even though we are pregnant, it's still not over and my scars are still there.  It's something I still am and likely will always be passionate about and likely it'll always be close to my heart.  There's still so much to be said and likely I'll keep saying it for anyone who wants to learn more about infertility or what we have to go through.  I don't think I'll be turning this blog into a pregnancy update because for most that would be too difficult to read as I know it was for me.  I guess time will tell but don't stop following as I still have alot to say for those who care enough to listen and not judge.