Bittersweet

This post is bittersweet and surprisingly alot harder to write than I ever imagined it to be.  The past 37 months have hands down been the hardest journey physically, mentally and emotionally that Chris and I have ever had to traverse.  I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.  Sure infertility isn't life threatening but then again, ALOT of things people have to deal with in this world aren't and are still freaking difficult to navigate:  many illnesses, death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job...   Somehow no one "gets" how tough infertility is to live through...until you've lived through it.  It often gets brushed to the side.  There's no ranking in life of difficult circumstances so I'm not preaching that infertility "takes the cake" on anything, but I DO know it's hard...damn hard.  I'm living proof how significant it can be in someone's life.   Who can possibly judge "who has it worse" and who has enough gall to say one person's struggles with any problems are harder than anothers'?  Interestingly enough, research has found that women experiencing infertility have emotional stress levels similar to cancer patients.  Most people that experience infertility live through some amount of depression.  Depression stemming from any cause is no joke.    
One thing infertility has taught me is to never judge someone's problems or way of handling them unless you've been there.  It's easy to say how you'd handle the situation until you've lived through it.  

So that leads me to our announcement.  WE ARE EXPECTING. I can finally say "I'm pregnant!!!!!"  Because we are a bit high risk, for obvious reasons we didn't want to announce too early.  I can't imagine anything worse than telling everyone we FINALLY did it, only to announce we miscarried. There is still a chance, but the farther along I am, my chances become less.  There are no words to describe how we felt and how happy we were when we first found out.  Shocked...elated...overjoyed....  I was convinced it was yet another failure in the so many we have on our belts.  But this time we got lucky and I thank God and anyone else who'll listen that our dream finally came true.  Even though we are so very happy, I will admit a huge part of me can't yet be happy yet.  I'm so conditioned to believing that everything ends is failure.  I can't help but to think that why is this any different and that this pregnancy will end.  The scars infertility leaves are always there and this is a big reminder how deep they are.  I don't think I will truly be happy until I see and hold our baby for the first time....until I know it can't be taken away.  Unless you've lived through so much disappointment it's quite difficult to explain how it's so hard to be happy....but actually for those who've experienced infertility it's quite a normal feeling. Sure most women at some point in their pregnancy worry something will go wrong, but couples who've lived through infertility have it worse due to past experiences.  ANY miscarriage I'm sure is difficult, but we don't have the luxury of trying again next month.  Hell, even it's taken 3 years, 3 IUIs and 2 IVFs to get pregnant....not to mention most couples don't have to shell out upwards of 15 grand for one single shot.  There's alot more at stake is all I'm trying to point out.  

The other problem I struggle with is all the people who read or follow this blog that are still trudging through the trenches of infertility.  Our journey has been a long one....but SO many others have been even longer and my heart aches for them.  Even though we've been through hell and back, I'm still one of the lucky ones.  Some will never get so lucky and may never get their chance.  It's just so incredibly unfair.  I can be honest and speak the truth that while I was happy for those who got pregnant before me, I was also incredibly heartbroken for myself.  I was angry and sad beyond belief to watch someone else live my dream....something that comes so easily for most people.  I cried silently for days at some pregnancy and birth announcements that is wasn't me too.  While I'm ecstatic for myself, it kills me to think that I am causing pain for some of my readers.  I know....I've been there.  No one wants to hear.... "just be patient, or it'll happen, or have faith, or you never know, or when it's meant to be".  For someone living through infertility, that advice is crappy because it's not always true and even if it is it doesn't kill the pain in the meantime while we wait.   And all we have to do is wait.  So I'm not going to offer any advice but just know that my thoughts are with those who are still battling their battle.  

I'm not sure what'll happen to my blog.  As of now my wounds are still fresh and I don't think I'll ever really get over the past few years.  It stole a big part of my life but you know what?  It taught me alot about myself...how strong I am and it taught me alot about life and other people.  That's a lesson that's is priceless and can't be earned without living it.  Even though we are pregnant, it's still not over and my scars are still there.  It's something I still am and likely will always be passionate about and likely it'll always be close to my heart.  There's still so much to be said and likely I'll keep saying it for anyone who wants to learn more about infertility or what we have to go through.  I don't think I'll be turning this blog into a pregnancy update because for most that would be too difficult to read as I know it was for me.  I guess time will tell but don't stop following as I still have alot to say for those who care enough to listen and not judge.