PTSD

This post is kinda a continuation of last post.  "I should be more happy", I keep telling myself.  Don't get me wrong, I AM happy that we are finally able to have a baby.....REALLY REALLY happy.  But a piece of me thinks I should be more happy. Elated.  Shouldn't I be even more happy than the average person who finds out they are going to be a mom for the first time?   Sometimes I got to wonder what was wrong with me.  It prompted me to bring it up with a trusted therapist and even do my own research to see if I'm "normal".  Everyone likes to feel as if what they are feeling is normal and I'm no different in this situation.  Everyone needs to feel as if their feelings are validated and important...and that you're not crazy. Upon my research I found a few interesting medical research articles.  PTSD is what I found. PTSD, I thought?  To me it was weird and impossible.  Isn't PTSD only what soldiers get after horrifying and life alerting experiences?  Surely someone with infertiltiy couldn't be compared to them?  I'm not saying I have PTSD because I'm not self diagnosing myself....I'll leave that to the professionals.  BUT I just want it out there that it can happen and IS real.  I would never dare to compare infertility with being on the battlefield, as the soldiers that have been see more in their lifetime than I luckily ever will.  God Bless them for doing what they do, because I couldn't.  But in a much different way couples that struggle with infertility have lived through their own different and VERY real kind of battle.  I just wanted to share some excerpts of the articles I found and make everyone aware there are other articles of "proof" if you need it.  

Examining PTSD as a Complication of Infertility

, New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center, New York City, , Manhattan Psychiatric Center, New York City, , New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center, , Cornell University Medical College, , Advanced Fertility Services, New York City

Disclosures

Medscape General Medicine. 1997;1(2) 

"Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a psychiatric disorder that may develop following exposure to threatened or actual injury or death. While commonly associated with war or natural disaster, symptoms of PTSD have been described in patients who are undergoing or who have completed infertility treatment or high-risk pregnancies....."

"Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is diagnosed in patients with persistent psychiatric distress resulting from events involving actual or threatened death or injury.^[1] Subsequent to the trauma, victims experience feelings of intense fear, helplessness, or horror. The precipitating trauma sets in motion a series of physical and emotional reactions that can have major and long-lasting effects. The characteristic triad of PTSD symptoms include (1) persistent re-experiencing of the event, (2) avoidance of reminders and numbing of responsiveness, and (3) increased arousal. Significant distress and functional impairment may result. Psychologically, PTSD is characterized by a classic triad of intrusive, avoidant, and hyperarousal symptoms."

"Although PTSD commonly occurs in situations such as war or natural disaster, other life-threatening situations like sexual or physical assault, being kidnapped or taken hostage, or being diagnosed with a life-threatening illness^[2] have been cited as precipitants...."

"The inability to conceive can catapult some patients into a state of shock, disbelief, and helplessness.^[3]Infertile couples must grieve 2 losses simultaneously: the loss of their ability to procreate as well as the loss of the hope for children. Women who have difficulty conceiving may react to these dual realizations as simply loss, or alternatively as psychological trauma. Those who experience a loss may subsequently develop major affective or adjustment disorders, but those who experience this loss as a trauma may instead develop PTSD. We have observed the development of PTSD in women who have experienced a variety of reproductive problems, including infertility, miscarriage, complicated pregnancy or delivery, and multiple births."

"When PTSD develops in response to infertility or other adverse reproductive events, patients exhibit the classic triad of symptoms described above. They may re-experience the trauma as nightmares, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts about distressing procedures or pregnancy loss.^[1] Symptoms may manifest as extreme distress under seemingly innocuous circumstances, such as seeing a pregnant woman, menstruating, or visiting the doctor's office; these types of occurrences may trigger a recollection of the infertility battle or mark an anniversary of events in the struggle to conceive and/or to complete a difficult pregnancy."

"Avoidant symptoms include hesitance to discuss the trauma or to engage in any activities, thoughts, and feelings connected with infertility, pregnancy, or childbirth. The woman may be reluctant to discuss the experience with even her most intimate contacts. Avoidance may result in failure to bond, or a delay in bonding, with a newborn. Some PTSD-afflicted women even experience an aversion to the baby and become anxious just holding the infant. Other symptoms include amnesia regarding certain aspects of the trauma, apathy toward previously cherished pleasures or toward other children at home, hopelessness, feelings of isolation, and a general dulling of emotional responsivity."

"Comment. This case demonstrates the feelings of shock and helplessness associated with infertility itself. Some patients become overly involved in their infertility treatment as a defense against feelings of inadequacy.^[3] Further, the infertility work-up and treatment may be perceived as trauma in that it can be painful, humiliating, and intrusive. The nature of the treatment may lead to estrangement from one's own body and sexuality and a distorted perception of the self as merely a vessel for conception. This case also demonstrates some of the marital and sexual problems typical of patients with infertility.^[9,10]"..... Social withdrawal is common with PTSD and has the effect of depriving the woman of much-needed support of friends and relatives. The stigma of infertility is another barrier to seeking support."

"... It is painfully ironic that many of the patients who win their battle with infertility subsequently develop PTSD or another psychiatric illness during or after the pregnancy. Since the full implications of the relationship between infertility and PTSD have yet to be fully explored, this area remains very worthwhile for future research"

Here is few excerpts from another article:

Allyson Bradow, director of psychological services at Home of the Innocents, a nonprofit organization in Kentucky

"The definition of trauma should be expanded to include expectations of life," said Bradow, who went through fertility treatments herself, and conducted the study as a doctoral student at Spalding University in Louisville. "Having children, expanding your family, carrying on your genetic code — that's an instinctual drive that we have as human beings. And when that is being threatened, it's not necessarily your life being threatened, but your expectation of what your life can be or should be like," she said.

The general diagnosis of infertility, or not being able to have a baby, is kind of this giant earthquake that rocks your world. And then, there's all the aftershocks," of fertility testing and treatment, Bradow said.

Bradow said the symptoms she experienced during fertility treatment went beyond those of depression and grief, conditions previously linked to fertility treatment. Others she spoke with felt the same.
To find out how widespread these feelings were, Bradow and colleagues surveyed 142 people who had undergone fertility treatments, and who visited online support groups for infertility. Survey participants — 97 percent of whom were women — completed an online survey to assess their symptoms of PTSD. They were asked to consider their infertility diagnosis and fertility treatment as their traumatic event...Overall, 46 percent met the criteria for PTSD. Among this group, 75 to 80 percent said they felt upset at reminders of their infertility, such as seeing commercials for baby diapers. Other common symptoms included feeling distant or cut off from people, or feeling irritable. Many also said they felt hopeless, and had changes in their personality."

I'm still not "over it"


As I've posted before, just because our miracle finally happened, doesn't mean I'm cured of infertility and that "I'm over it".  Anyone with something so devastating and life changing would agree that the wounds are always somewhat fresh, especially when a trigger appears.  Why do you think so many cancer survivors are passionate about joining walks and celebrating life?  The hard part is that the infertility folks don't have the support like most other groups.  There's no "infertility survivor" support group.  You'd be hard pressed to find any type of support group readily available, although this is slowly changing.

Sure we will have our child we wanted so badly but I still am traumatized by my experiences the last few years.  I have more anxiety than the average pregnant woman that something will happen to my baby.  It took years to get where we are and unlike them I don't have the luxury of trying again should something horrible happen.  With every new symptom or lack thereof....I'm nervous something is wrong.  
Unlike everyone else I know we had to pay to get pregnant.  We have accrued debt most other couples will never know.  Sure we had a little help, but most of it we did on our own by saving money and working extra jobs.  Hallelujah for friends and family that helped us out.  Like most couples, soon we'll have daycare to pay for.  We both need to work and aren't lucky enough to have family watch our child.  But UNLIKE most couples, we are still "paying the baby off".  Babies are expensive and if we are going to make ends meet, it is essential the debt is paid off before the arrival of our child.  While other couples are enjoying shopping for baby items, I'm frantically figuring out how I'm going to pay for these items AND our debt at the same time.  While I'm lucky to be where I am, it does take alot of the joy away that I was SO looking forward to experiencing.  
As I mentioned in my previous post...most of my friends get to "family plan".  They get to decide how many kids they are having and when.  They get to choose if their child has a sibling and when.  We don't.  We know our child will be an only child and I so desperately want them to have a sibling.  That will never happen.  Before people asked me if and when I had children....now they ask how many I'm going to have and how far apart.  Some even comment I NEED more than one child to avoid "only child syndrome" or a "spoiled" child.  Seriously?  Some people are so naive.  Some people have even commented that we will not be real parents until we have two....for all the fighting and sibling rivalry.  Considering we have fought for this and have been through hell and back, I can say we already are REAL parents because we have been through more than most will ever know or experience.  THAT is what makes a real parent....sacrificing for your child.....not listening to fighting.  We can't afford a baby AND expensive fertility treatments so it WILL be an only child.  But hey.....I am lucky to have at least one.  Many others don't even have that choice.  I wish people would realize that. 
I'm extra sensitive about gender questioning.  My least favorite question is, "what do you hope your having" or "what would you prefer, a boy or girl?"  For most, this is a simple and innocent question.  For me, it sets off a trigger.  After ALL we've been through we are just lucky to have ONE child....we were told we'd likely have none.  Why, after knowing we could have ended up without any, would I be picky enough to want a certain gender?   I'll take anything since we are lucky to have anything at all.  For me it's the equivalent of a starving person turning up their noses at baked chicken....you should be blessed you have what you do.  It makes my blood boil when people who have all boys and are griping that they wanted a girl with this pregnancy.....do they realize some people can't have any.  Any child is a blessing.
I've been warned by a therapist that guilt and subsequent depression are a side effect of those who have children after struggling with infertility.  Seems weird but when she explained it, it made complete sense.  Most would think that after we finally achieved our goal, we'd be happier than most.  The truth is that we have placed high pressure on ourselves for wanting children.  We know firsthand how lucky we are to be blessed with a successful fertility treatment and a child.  Let's face it, most parents have moments when they want to strangle their child and most pregnant women have moments when they wish they weren't pregnant anymore.  It's human nature.  However, we often feel guilty for having these thoughts since we know how lucky we are.  We feel horrible and guilty for having such awful thoughts when we could have ended up with nothing at all.  Sure it's human nature, but often we are harder on ourselves than "normal people" without fertility issues for such negativity.  I've already had moments when I could barely get out of bed from morning sickness and could barely make it through the day.  I was SO hard on myself because all I could keep thinking was "you should be so lucky, you could have nothing" and "this is what you asked for".  It's also funny how at the first moment you let your guard down and complain, people are 10 times quicker to let you know it.  We seem to be held to higher standards when it comes to venting...like you're not allowed.  Sure I'm hard on those that complain about what they have.....but that's usually because they don't follow it with the acknowledgement that they are still blessed and lucky to have what they do.  I don't need to be made to feel guilty when I complain.....I make myself feel that way enough.  And I know how lucky I am, even when I do complain.  Not everyone does.  

What the doctors don't tell you....

The goal of infertility treatments are this:  Step one = to get pregnant. Step two = to stay pregnant.  Some couples that struggle with infertility can easily get pregnant but are plagued with frequent miscarriages.  I think most are like us....we couldn't make it to step one and couldn't get pregnant.  Either way, both are devastating because you never get to bring a baby home and have the family you long for.  

So when we FINALLY made it to step one after several years and procedures later, we didn't realize the uncertainties that could happen after that.  I think the hard part for me is that we've never been pregnant, so how do we know if there's a problem with miscarrying?   It is a big unknown the doctors never really speak of.  It took us years just to make it to the first step and I couldn't imagine trying so hard to get pregnant and then find out we have yet another problem with carrying and keeping the baby.  It was a big blow.  I'll never forget the phone call from Dr. Sobel when he said our beta was positive.  I suspected it was, but hearing it was by far the best words ever spoken to me.  "Honey, I'll clean the house" was the second.  Just kidding.  However, it was followed by news I didn't ever suspect.  "Come in every 3 days to get your blood tested to make sure it's a viable pregnancy." What?!  How could this not be viable after all we've been through?  We were SO focused on getting to step one.....we never even thought about step two.  While I was elated I was also more scared than I've ever been in my life.  For about 2 weeks I went to the office about every third day to  make sure my hormone levels were steadily rising.  Numbers that don't rise means you are losing the baby.  Waiting for those results every three days was painstakingly slow and horrible.  I must have checked my phone a million times.  For fertility doctors, this procedural...for me it felt like life or death.  

The next step is waiting for your first ultrasound....usually done at "5 weeks pregnant".  They kept saying how important it was to hear a heartbeat, but "don't worry, sometimes it's too early".  I've ready blogs and internet articles about women who finally got pregnant, only to never hear a heartbeat.  It made me sick to think that could be me too and the worry got the best of me, even though I was still happy to just have this chance.  I lost a few nights of sleep during this process needless to say.  Having never been pregnant, I didn't realize how important and fragile early pregnancy is.  It's something that wasn't spoken to me...maybe because it would have just fueled my worry.  At week 5, we had our first glimpse of our baby-to-be and we were SO lucky to hear a heartbeat.  THAT was the best sound I've ever heard.  For the next few weeks, I had weekly ultrasound appointments to make sure the baby was developing according to plan.  Although it's pretty obvious, no one ever told me how important this was....mostly because most women don't get 50 million ultrasounds because they are "normal".   I can remember long nights of waiting for the next ultrasound, hoping and praying all would be well.  There's so many things they are looking for in these ultrasounds....which means there are so many things that could be wrong.  Once I knew what they were looking for, I had a check off list in my head each time I went.  With each good ultrasound I grew slightly less anxious, but the feeling never completely goes away.  Most women get one to two ultrasounds their entire pregnancy because they are "normal" and not "high risk", that it's foreign to them when I speak of so many ultrasounds.  While I was dreading the ultrasounds in a way because I might have gotten bad news, they were a needed relief to see that everything was ok.  With each ultrasound the doctor's gave me my "chances of miscarriage"....something I never knew or thought of before....but it was real scary.

My point is that people who don't struggle with infertility will never know how this feels....getting the best news of your life but that black ominous cloud still looms overhead.  Miscarriage sucks no matter who has one or what the circumstances, but unlike my fertile friends I can't "just try again" next month.  This is a once in a lifetime chance the way I see it....a miracle (if I believed in them).  When I first started this journey, I didn't realize that I'd accumulate emotional scars that would never go away.  This is just one example.  While I'm lucky that we are going to have one child, it still kills me that I can't give our baby a sibling, especially when I hear friends say "well we'll likely have more than one".  I want that too...but I can't have that.  I want my baby to grow up with a brother or sister.  I want them to have someone when we are gone...someone to spend holidays with and someone to reminisce about memories.  It kills me to hear people "plan" their future.  How they talk about how they are going to "try" to get pregnant so their kids are only 2 years apart.  Don't talk to me about trying, because you don't know the true meaning.  It must be nice to be able to plan your life the way you want it because your body works the way it was intended....so many people take this for granted.  

Bittersweet

This post is bittersweet and surprisingly alot harder to write than I ever imagined it to be.  The past 37 months have hands down been the hardest journey physically, mentally and emotionally that Chris and I have ever had to traverse.  I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.  Sure infertility isn't life threatening but then again, ALOT of things people have to deal with in this world aren't and are still freaking difficult to navigate:  many illnesses, death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job...   Somehow no one "gets" how tough infertility is to live through...until you've lived through it.  It often gets brushed to the side.  There's no ranking in life of difficult circumstances so I'm not preaching that infertility "takes the cake" on anything, but I DO know it's hard...damn hard.  I'm living proof how significant it can be in someone's life.   Who can possibly judge "who has it worse" and who has enough gall to say one person's struggles with any problems are harder than anothers'?  Interestingly enough, research has found that women experiencing infertility have emotional stress levels similar to cancer patients.  Most people that experience infertility live through some amount of depression.  Depression stemming from any cause is no joke.    
One thing infertility has taught me is to never judge someone's problems or way of handling them unless you've been there.  It's easy to say how you'd handle the situation until you've lived through it.  

So that leads me to our announcement.  WE ARE EXPECTING. I can finally say "I'm pregnant!!!!!"  Because we are a bit high risk, for obvious reasons we didn't want to announce too early.  I can't imagine anything worse than telling everyone we FINALLY did it, only to announce we miscarried. There is still a chance, but the farther along I am, my chances become less.  There are no words to describe how we felt and how happy we were when we first found out.  Shocked...elated...overjoyed....  I was convinced it was yet another failure in the so many we have on our belts.  But this time we got lucky and I thank God and anyone else who'll listen that our dream finally came true.  Even though we are so very happy, I will admit a huge part of me can't yet be happy yet.  I'm so conditioned to believing that everything ends is failure.  I can't help but to think that why is this any different and that this pregnancy will end.  The scars infertility leaves are always there and this is a big reminder how deep they are.  I don't think I will truly be happy until I see and hold our baby for the first time....until I know it can't be taken away.  Unless you've lived through so much disappointment it's quite difficult to explain how it's so hard to be happy....but actually for those who've experienced infertility it's quite a normal feeling. Sure most women at some point in their pregnancy worry something will go wrong, but couples who've lived through infertility have it worse due to past experiences.  ANY miscarriage I'm sure is difficult, but we don't have the luxury of trying again next month.  Hell, even it's taken 3 years, 3 IUIs and 2 IVFs to get pregnant....not to mention most couples don't have to shell out upwards of 15 grand for one single shot.  There's alot more at stake is all I'm trying to point out.  

The other problem I struggle with is all the people who read or follow this blog that are still trudging through the trenches of infertility.  Our journey has been a long one....but SO many others have been even longer and my heart aches for them.  Even though we've been through hell and back, I'm still one of the lucky ones.  Some will never get so lucky and may never get their chance.  It's just so incredibly unfair.  I can be honest and speak the truth that while I was happy for those who got pregnant before me, I was also incredibly heartbroken for myself.  I was angry and sad beyond belief to watch someone else live my dream....something that comes so easily for most people.  I cried silently for days at some pregnancy and birth announcements that is wasn't me too.  While I'm ecstatic for myself, it kills me to think that I am causing pain for some of my readers.  I know....I've been there.  No one wants to hear.... "just be patient, or it'll happen, or have faith, or you never know, or when it's meant to be".  For someone living through infertility, that advice is crappy because it's not always true and even if it is it doesn't kill the pain in the meantime while we wait.   And all we have to do is wait.  So I'm not going to offer any advice but just know that my thoughts are with those who are still battling their battle.  

I'm not sure what'll happen to my blog.  As of now my wounds are still fresh and I don't think I'll ever really get over the past few years.  It stole a big part of my life but you know what?  It taught me alot about myself...how strong I am and it taught me alot about life and other people.  That's a lesson that's is priceless and can't be earned without living it.  Even though we are pregnant, it's still not over and my scars are still there.  It's something I still am and likely will always be passionate about and likely it'll always be close to my heart.  There's still so much to be said and likely I'll keep saying it for anyone who wants to learn more about infertility or what we have to go through.  I don't think I'll be turning this blog into a pregnancy update because for most that would be too difficult to read as I know it was for me.  I guess time will tell but don't stop following as I still have alot to say for those who care enough to listen and not judge.  

We will know any day now if our IVF worked and we are or aren't pregnant.  This two week wait (2ww) as they call it has been nerve wracking and harder than going through all the actual tests and procedures.  Your mind has a way of playing tricks on you and it's pretty hard to control when you want something so badly.  I've tried to keep myself busy and distracted and this has helped alot.  I'm also not getting my hopes up because I've had them crushed so many times before.  That's why I guess it's so hard to hear things like "you just never know".  That may be true, but I also know from experience many times it's not.  I'd rather be pleasantly surprised than devastated.  I guess either way I'd be devastated, but it's much harder when you think it worked and then everything comes crashing down.  The doctor's had me believing that our IUIs would work, so each time I believed them....and here we are two IVFs later.  

When I go for bloodwork, a few hours later they will call with the results.  From experience, those few hours in between having your blood drawn and getting the call are the worst. Last time I already knew it failed because mother nature told me so....but for some reason I still held onto hope that it wasn't true.  This time, mother nature hasn't yet graced me with her presence yet and I hope she takes a LONG vacation for 9 months.  

The bloodwork tests my beta hcg levels....a chemical released by the baby-to-be.  That means implantation was successful and technically you are pregnant.  That is a HUGE hurtle to cross, HOWEVER since a huge amount of pregnancies and IVFs end in chemical pregnancies or very early miscarriages, it's only the beginning.  This is why most women don't want to announce their pregnancy until after the first trimester....I won't have that luxury.  It's critical and very touch and go the next few days if I test positive.  IF I am pregnant, two days later I take another blood test to see if the levels are rising.  This is really the ONLY way to know if the baby will likely survive early on...and many don't.  I can't imagine how horrible those two days would be.  This is why when people ask me what the results are on our first test....I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing it because it's not yet official and alot can go wrong.  There would be nothing worse than telling everyone you are pregnant FINALLY only to tell them a few days later that you lost it.  I've been placed in an awkward situation because so many people are pulling for me and just want to know.  I DO TOO and I'd be ecstatic if we passed the first test (you have no idea) but it would be far from official!!!  So please understand my own sanity I don't think I can share the news (if I even get good news) too early on.  If it fails....I have another bridge to cross.  

Misdirected Anger

I'll never forget the first time someone pointed out to me how angry my blogs seemed.  "Are you kidding me?" I thought.  Clearly this must have been coming from someone who's fertile and hasn't understood or lived through the struggles of infertility.  It's more than a disease...it ruins your chances of fulfilling what's important to the majority of human beings....having a family.  How could this NOT be important and how could I NOT be angry we weren't blessed with something nearly every other human being doesn't have to give a second though to?  Didn't I earn the right as a woman to have the chance to be a mother? But my motherhood has been taken away from me.  As I've learned from counseling, I have every right to be angry as anyone with this disease or ANY disease does.  One of my goals with this blog was to help others understand why I'm so angry about not being able to have children.....I guess I must not have gotten through to everyone and as life goes, I probably never will.  I'm ok with that, but what I'm NOT ok with is being judged for having normal feelings....especially from someone who's never lived a day in the life of someone infertile.  My job as a therapist is to help people overcome their physical disabilities.....but I know that RIGHTFULLY attached to those physical disabilities is mental and emotional baggage that comes along with them.  I understand and accept that many are angry about what's been dealt to them so it blows my mind that other people can't be more understanding of the anger I or anyone else can  have from being the unlucky one who has to deal with something so life changing.  No, it's not fair....LIFE isn't fair but I've said this before and I'll say it again....it's easy to say that when you aren't on the receiving end of the unfairness.  That cliche hits really close to home when it's YOU...only then can you truly understand the reality of this cliche.    

So yes...of course I'm angry I can't fulfill my lifelong dream of having a family.  Isn't that what most people in this world strive for (a fulfilling career, a family and to be happy)?  Isn't that why most people get married to someone they love so they can make children?  Yet we are shafted and don't get to fulfill the dream that everyone else seems to take for granted....the ease of getting pregnant and having kids. When does anyone ever say...."Gee I'm really glad I could get pregnant and that I'm not infertile"?  Most people don't give it a thought.  It's just expected we can procreate.  When have you seen commercials or walks for infertility like there seems to be for every other disease or problem under the sun?  We often get left out and swept under the rug...like it's no big deal.     Even though enough people live with infertility, it's just not something people talk about or really appreciate the impact of.  I know I never did until the past few years.  It's so easy to blow it off and think or say "just relax, it'll happen" or  "I'm sure it'll all work out" or to come up with a billion million reasons and solutions for not being able to get pregnant and have a baby.  I still have people who are insensitive enough to say: "I'll give you my kids for a day".  What I should say is "I'd love them actually, but only if you learn to live a day in the life of someone who can't have them."  Most people that embark on IVF will get pregnant....however many do not for true medical or unknown reasons.  What about those people?  What about those who will never know because they simply can't afford another treatment to find out?  From talking with friends and  family I know at least 6 other couples (some directly and some indirectly) who've tried IVF.  ALL have gotten pregnant.  My point is that not everyone does....odds are someone won't.  Will that be us?  In my head I'm thinking "well it worked for all of them, so I must be the 1 in 6 who doesn't....it's gotta be someone."  I feel really happy for each and everyone of them because I know how it feels to want this so badly.  But that doesn't mean I can't be angry and upset that it hasn't yet been me too.  I've learned that underneath anger is a whole lot of pain and hurt....the anger is just what we see on the surface.  How does anyone ever get over those scars, baby or not?  

I can't tell you how sad I am when I hear another pregnancy or birth announcement....this is one of the very reasons I quit facebook.  Life is so centered around families and children and I'm reminded and bombarded constantly.  The entire world seems to revolve around families, children and babies: back to school, mother' day, father's day, Christmas, commercials on TV...you name it, it's year round.  How can people without children feel like they fit in?  I know I can't always run away and avoid these things, but my wounds are still pretty fresh and from what I've learned will always somewhat be exposed.  It's something you hold onto forever, even if it's only a little bit.  It never completely heals but hopefully lessens somewhat with time.  Because these things are triggers for me, I learn to avoid them and deal with them on my own time when I'm ready.  No one gives people a time frame to heal from the death of a loved one, but it seems that some people give me a ticking clock for when I should be over not being able to have children....easy to say unless you've lived it.  When will it EVER be ok that I can't be a mom?  

How can I get over my dream to have a family when you hear daily news of reports of child abuse, neglect, or people just killing their children....children I can't have?  It's so difficult to hear anyone complain about their children, family or pregnancies.  Hell, it's difficult to hear them talk about the joys of it all because I  may never know them.  It's an exclusive club I've never got the invite to.  I'm always on the sidelines.  I feel so left out and defeated during these conversations that I'd often rather not participate or place myself in a situation where I'll just end up sobbing in the bathroom later.  What I WOULDN'T do to be in their shoes... if they only realized how lucky they really are.  As an analogy:  would any normal person complain about what's on their dinnerplate in front of a starving person?  Most people unknowingly do this but I just have to deal.  People SHOULD be able to talk about their kids (good or bad)....it's just hard to hear.  I can't help to get so angry at people who have lots of money to afford treatments or people who have lots of money that are blessed enough to not even need treatments in the first place.  I work hard for my money too.  I'm so jealous and frustrated that some people's biggest problem right now is what color to paint the bathroom or what type of kitchen cabinets to get.  I remember those days but they are long gone.  I miss them.  It's hard not to feel a bit angry at people who can afford expensive things when the only thing I want to buy is a chance to have a baby.  I don't want a car, or a nice house, or a boat, or diamond earrings, or a great vacation, I just want a family.  Whoever said money can't buy happiness never  knew of infertility.  

In the three years we've been struggling to have a family, I can count over 2 dozen friends and family that have had children...some even on their second in the time it's taken us to try for one.  It's been over THREE years for us.  That's a long time to feel this way...to try for something so hard.  It's incredibly frustrating watching everyone else.  We feel like we are hitting our heads against a brick wall or are running on a hamster wheel.  Right now, a very good friend of mine is pregnant and she won't be the last.  Of course I'm happy for her, but it doesn't mean I'm not sad as hell inside for myself.  I will admit it takes ALOT of practice to feel happy for someone else when you are dying inside....when all you want in the world is what she has.  It's so hard to brush your feelings to the side just to have a normal conversation.  It's heartbreaking to watching her belly grow while I get to stick mine with needles for the chance to join her on the other side...knowing I may never.  It kills me that soon her house will be decorated with baby pictures while the only one I may ever have is just a Polaroid of two 8 celled embryos.  In a few months she'll get to hold her baby and take it home from the hospital while I have nothing to hold but a photograph of what could've been.  She'll get to have a baby shower, will get to pick out a crib, will be one day sending her baby off to kindergarten and I can't.  It's infuriating we have to try SO damn hard, while they didn't.  I hate it.  I'm angry about it and I'm so sad inside it can't be me too.  It's not her fault she got pregnant and I can't....so how is it fair that I can't bear to hear her share stories about her pregnancy?  It's not.  My point and question to everyone is HOW do you get over not being able to be a mom, HOW do you move on from something you want so badly when you are reminded so frequently?  HOW do you watch someone else live your dream and still remain close?  I don't want to be a bitter person, but really underneath it all I'm whole heartedly devastated and more sad than I could have ever imagined being.  How do you control how you feel when you can't so it doesn't ruin relationships and my chances of happiness as well?  How can I get people to understand the hurt behind the anger?  How can I have meaningful and fulfilling relationships with people who have what I don't?  How can I put my own feelings aside to join the the joy of others?    How can I get people to understand why on "bad" days I can't attend baby-showers, family functions or just hanging out?  How can I stop pretending to plaster a happy face on myself when all I want to do is cry?  How can I ever be happy?

I am doing the best I can to not misdirect my anger towards others.  It's not their fault they have what I don't....but it's also hard to see it.  It's also not my fault that I have to be the one to deal with this.  The problem with infertility is that I have no one to be angry at.  Do I get angry at God, my husband, my friends, myself?  Of course I can't...no one did this to us....so it's hard not to be angry at the universe.  I have no one to direct my anger and hurt at...just a shitty disease that I can't do anything about.  I'm doing my best to keep my emotions at bay and to not misdirect my anger towards others because it's not fair to anyone...but it's so hard not having someone or something to be angry at.  

From my previous update, we had 10 eggs retrieved last Thursday.  Of the 10, only 4 were mature which is horrible.  I wonder if they triggered and retrieved too early, not allowing the rest to mature.  Of the 4, only 2 fertilized which also isn't good.  Luckily both made it to transfer.  We were sweating bullets for three days hoping and praying we'd have something to transfer.  Our transfer was Sunday and both embryos were doing well at that time.  We were able to transfer two grade A embryos (one 8 cell and one 5 cell).  Embryos are given a grade based on how they look and how they divide, with grade A being the best. For day three transfer, they like to see between 6 to 8 cells.....one of ours was a little behind but at least was surviving.  The difficult part is that the grade of the embryo doesn't necessarily relate to pregnancy rates. Like everyone knows last time, both of our embryos were perfect, yet we didn't get pregnant.  Some people have horrible looking embryos, yet are able to have a baby.  As of now, it's strictly a waiting game.  By the mid to end of next week I'll have my blood test to see if this IVF worked and we can fulfill our dream of parenthood.  Until then, there is no way of knowing.  

Once the embryo is transferred, it must go through alot of critical changes.  Sometimes many arrest (stop growing) for no reason....from what I've read it usually it's because they have genetic abnormalities.  The embryos have to continue to divide until day 5 of life (two days after our 3 day transfer) to reach the blastocyst stage which is a critical point in development.  Once it reaches this phase (that would have been Tuesday for us), it hatches out of it's hard shell.  Sometimes embryos don't have enough energy to do so, so it dies.  We payed extra for assisted hatching.  Prior to transfer, the embryologist places a microscopic hole in the embryo to allow it to hatch with increased ease.  After it hatches, it starts to embed itself in the uterus and hopefully implants.  This process takes a few days and is where many IVFs fail.  Technology isn't advanced enough to assist with implantation or to understand reason for failure.  In an average healthy women, each month there is only a 20% chance of implantation....therefore we have about a 20% chance of this IVF working.  Not the best chances, but much better than our next to zero percent chances of getting pregnant without IVF.  To do what I can, I'm taking a progesterone hormone twice a day and am continuing with acupuncture twice a week.  We are leaking money faster than we are bringing it in at this point.  I can't face having to pay a debt off every month and be reminded of a failed procedure and an unfulfilled dream.  After this IVF, we need to throw in the towel....at least for a long long time (months to years), possibly forever as our finances don't allow for any more tries.  This year alone we paid more than $28,000 for treatments....it still makes me so angry that most women get pregnant for free and just don't understand how lucky they are.