IVF #2 officially kicked off today.  It's a bit sooner than we anticipated but I'm at the mercy of mother nature.  I went for baseline ultrasounds and everything is normal and looking good.  In 2 weeks I have to donate 14 vials of blood so they can make a serum to be used for our co culture.  Being a certified needle-phob, I'm not exactly looking forward to it....then again I'm not looking forward to any of this.  Unlike most of you, I can't get pregnant for free or painfree.  It was painful writing out that five digit check...it's even harder the second time around.  It's still incredibly difficult for me to not become angry at those who make having a baby seem so easy.

This round of IVF we are trying co-culture.  Instead of growing our embryos on the medium in the petri dish they normally use, they are going to harvest and grow my endometrial (uterine) cells.  The theory is that this will provide a more natural environment for the embryos to grow on top of....the better the embryo, the more of a chance I have of becoming pregnant.  Long gone are the simple days of having sex to get pregnant.  It's the norm for us now to associate petri dishes and uncomfortable procedures with making a family...talk about a total mood killer.   Instead of one man to make a baby, I have a whole team of them (and a few women).  Science is amazing....it'll even be more amazing if this actually works this time. In about 3 weeks, I will have a biopsy to collect some uterine cells.  Biopsies are never pleasant, especially when you're awake, but it's minor compared to the rest of it.  Somehow they use my collected blood and uterine cells and grow them until time of egg retrieval.  The whole IVF process this time will take several weeks, but at least the hormone injections won't be for another month.

As of now, I'm as ready as I'll ever be.  We didn't exactly hit our financial goal and had to put some of our IVF on charge....nothing like charging a baby on a credit card.  This isn't exactly how I envisioned being in debt.  Hopefully it will work this time as I can't imagine paying monthly installments for something we don't have.  Each bill, I'd be reminded what happened....or didn't happen.  I'd much rather be saving my money for future baby-gear, day care, etc.....but this is my reality right now.  For those of you who had kids the easy way....be thankful.  Chris and I are doing our best at holding up emotionally.  The past 6 months have by far been the hardest few months or our lives...we have good and bad days but are learning to navigate through this.  I anticipate the next few months could even be harder depending on our outcome.  Due to alot of reasons, mostly financial, we doubt there is another IVF in our future.  So much of our lives and happiness is riding on this.  I'd be lying if I didn't say I am a nervous wreck inside!

Our next attempt for a miracle is right around the corner....I should be going to the doctor any day and have already started acupuncture.  Naturally my emotions are running more rampant as our fate of whether or not we get a chance to be parents is decided.  It's a crap-shoot really.  It could happen and then again, it may never happen.  Waiting is the hard; not knowing what our fate will be is even harder.  There are times when I feel fine, when I don't let my emotions get the best of me, when I can walk down the diaper isle without feeling sorry for myself, when I can stand next to a pregnant woman next to me in the grocery store and not break down, when I am thankful for the life I DO have.  But there are times when I'm downright sad, angry even, times when I have hit rock bottom and literally wanted to die, times where I spend days crying only to pull it together long enough to go to work or hang out with friends.  Most of what I write naturally comes to me on not so good days, so that being said, I'm not a basket-case all the time.  If you truly know me, you know that our battle with infertility takes up a huge chunk of our lives and who we are but it doesn't define us as people; it's what I talk about MOST of the time, but not ALL the time.  I'm capable of being normal, feeling normal and alot of the times suppressing my feelings so I can attempt to live a semi-normal life.  But there are times when things get the best of me I feel things such as intense sadness and harbor anger inside about the cards we've been dealt, about the unfairness of it all.  We all know life isn't fair, but that cliche is easy for people to say and lecture people about until you are on the receiving end of the unfairness.  Unfortunately these feelings tend to come out of nowhere sometimes and present themselves at the most inopportune moments.  There are times when I hear people say phrases like "I took my son to the baseball game last night" or "my kids love that movie".  Knowing that I may never get to speak those phrases that start with  "my son" or "my daughter" or "my kids" is a hard pill to swallow because it's something I want so badly.  Knowing that I may never get a chance to actually experience these things is even worse.  When I hear others talking about their families, I can't help to feel like an outcast or misfit.  I feel like a failure because my body can't do with it's intended to do...what seems so easy for everyone else.  I know there are thousands of people in my shoes, but let's face it....I'm the minority and none of these people are in my immediate circle.  Because of this, it's easy to feel isolated and alone.  I'm surrounded by people who have exactly what I desire.  A part of me dies when I hear people talking about their children or grandchildren, pregnancies, family vacations, or just the day to day grind of family living.  I don't hate these people but AM insanely jealous that they unknowingly have what I can't.  I know I can't isolate myself from the world or place earplugs in when people bring up baby talk....but it's hard, SO hard sometimes to hear.  I know it's something I must work at and it will take practice and time to heal but not everyone is so patient or understanding all the time. ...or even knows what's going on.  I hope and know that with time this will become easier, but it's hard to wait.  I know what's it's like to wait for something you want to happen, for something you want so badly that never seems to come.  If I could find a word better than disappointment, that would be it.  I know what it's like to have days turn into months and months turn into years.  I know having children isn't a race but when everyone around you is having oodles of babies and you are constantly reminded your biological clock is ticking, it sure seems that way.  I know what it's like to feel grateful for what you DO have and happy for others who have more, yet angry at the same time.  I know what it's like to feel like a monster because you are so incredibly jealous and have to remind yourself to be happy for them and at the same time hope with every ounce that your day will come too.  

As a woman it's my God given right to have children...only it's not....nothing is guaranteed.  It makes you feel less of a woman.  On the occasion that I get the "why don't you have kids yet" lecture or seeing the judgement across people's faces when I tell them I don't have children, it breaks you down even more.  On the occasion where I get well meaning advice like "it'll happen when it happens" or "it all happens for a reason" or "I know you'll be a mom one day" or "why don't you adopt" it breaks you down even more.....because it's NOT that easy.  I live it so I know it.  Walk a day in my shoes....or a day in anyone's shoes of something you yourself aren't faced with day in and day out and dare to change your judgements, preconceived notions, and advice.  Knowing your reproductive system works and that you can have kids is easy to take for granted...until you can't. While I know that raising children is the hardest job in the world and won't be all filled with lollipops and roses, I at least want the chance to get to experience that.  I know there will be times when I will complain and think  "I did this to myself, this is what I wanted", but I know the joys of raising a child will far surpass those feelings.  I just want to be given a chance.  It seems so unfair that the decision made for me, that there are plenty of people out there who have children who don't even want them...and. I. can't.  

One thing I am grateful for is the perspective of life I have since dealing with this.  I work with disabled people so I'm not naive to knowing there are people out there who have things worse than I do.  While I AM grateful for what I do have, I can't help feeling a huge piece of me is missing.  Infertility has made me appreciate the life I do have, makes me realize others have struggles too and make me sensitive to that.  Everyone has their demons and struggles and has causes that are important to them. No one thing trumps another but when everyone around you has children it's easy to forget that.  I am thankful for the great support I've been given over the past few months.  There are some amazing people in my life who help me get through this in big and small ways and I am thankful for each and everyone.  One way or another, with or without children I will come out of the other side. So yes to be honest sometimes well-meaning advice does hurt my feelings....I know it's hard to know what to say and when to say it.  I acknowledge that, appreciate it and offer some leniency to those well meaning comments.  But please say something to me.  I need support even if it's just a simple hug, a hand on the shoulder or an "I'm sorry you have to go through this".

Getting over the hump

When most people imagine their ideal life they picture certain milestones and achievements.  When entering into adulthood most people envision their lives much like this:  you graduate from high school, go to college or find a job you like, land your dream job (or at the very least something you like to do), get married to the love of your life and make a beautiful family together.  But what happens if life doesn't go according to plan and you have no control over it?  I've seen people I love or know live with a life changing illness, loss of a loved one, deal with an addiction, or struggle through a divorce; clearly things no one plans on or wants to happen.  But I've usually been a bystander, merely looking in the window.  I've always felt helpless in these situations and tried to praise God that even though my life wasn't perfect I was glad I wasn't dealing with their struggles.  But now the tables are turned.  I never thought anything "big" and life altering would happen to me...those things only happen to other people right?  Wrong!  Why do most people get married?  My answer is because you love them more than anything else and can see yourself having a family together.  For most couples, the main purpose of marrying someone you love is to make children with them.  When Chris and I first had trouble getting pregnant, we both thought it was pass.  Now that it's been years and it hasn't, reality has really sunk in that this may never happen for us.  It's not easy to re-imagine what you are going to do with your life and to give up your dreams.  

Unlike most of you reading this, our lives the past few months have been filled with doctors appointments, surgeries, procedures, injections, schedules based around my body, and many many tears of hurt, frustration and anger.  After failing our first IVF attempt, we were both devastated.  While we knew it wasn't a guarantee, we still hoped and prayed with every ounce of your being that things would work out.  Sadly we don't have the resources to pay for countless attempts and I don't think our sanity would survive through all of it either.  We know we have only one to two more tries and then we have to throw in the towel as painful as it is and as much as we may or may not want to. 

I don't want everyone thinking all I do is sit around and cry, mope, and feel sorry for myself.  I don't...at least not all the time.  I've had many times where I've laughed, enjoyed life and have been happy.  However unfortunately more often than not, it has been filled with more tears than I'd like to admit.  You learn to get pretty good at hiding them and from time to time and pretending to be happy when your dying inside.  No one wants to hang out with a "Debbie Downer". Thankfully, this blog has provided me with way to say things I can't otherwise choke out.  As much as it hurts, the more "normal" I try to live my life sometimes the better it feels.  I am trying my hardest to try to live life, enjoy things the best I can, and not take things for granted. But sometimes it's just plain hard and takes every ounce of courage to get it together.  I don't want to "check out" on life since I already feel so much of it these past few years has been stolen and consumed by this disease called infertility.  

Time is drawing nearer to our next cycle and phone calls and tests are being done in preparation for our August timeline.  I've blocked out baby-making and our dreams for a family for the past few months after our IVF failure.  It simply hurts to much to rehash it.  Our IVF failure was a hard hard thing for me...for the both of us.  By far it's been the most painful obstacle in my life and I'm sure Chris's.  No one gets married with the idea this will happen in a marriage.  But I thought I began to heal.  At one point I nearly felt normal again.  I really thought I was over the hump.  I was thinking I was ready to play with the crappy cards I've been dealt and live childfree if this next attempt failed again. As a couple, Chris and I started to re-invent our new lives as just a family of two.  We thought about our "second best" way of life and imagined the freedom to travel and do other things we probably couldn't with children.  It seemed like even though it's not what we wanted, it would be ok...WE would be ok.  We were both starting to begrudgingly accept it.  

I've been told that healing is never a steady upward progression but filled with peaks and valleys and that with something like this, you truly never get over it.  I guess I hoped they were wrong.  Things were status quo until recently (that explains my lack of blogging).  A lot has happened to trigger some pretty painful emotions and ironically all at once.  I've had my 35th birthday.  While it may not seem like a big deal, in infertility land it's the official drop off rate for fertility and failed IVF cycles.  It's a big deal.  It was also Father's Day.  While not as hard as mother's day for me, it's still not how I imagined spending the day.  I knew it was a hard day for my husband too.  He's by far the best I know at hiding his sadness and disappointment when it comes to all this.  Facebook is going to be the death of me.  I learned of two birth announcements: one from a fellow IVFer whose cycle worked.  While I'm happy for them, I'm just sad for me.  Why not me too?  As far as the other birth announcement, as bad as it is, I was mad that someone was one their second baby and I can't have even one.  Again, I wish them no ill will but am just jealous as hell.  I also learned of a pregnancy announcement from a friend.  While I'm honestly ecstatic for them, I'm dying inside for myself.  Why not me too?  I've been trying SO incredibly hard for the same thing and am hit with month after month of disappointment, tears and loss of a dream.  It's hard to hear others getting pregnant for free when I have to spend so much money on something that's not guaranteed.  It's the most difficult thing to watch someone else live your dream.  I won't lie when I say that each of these things took a piece of my heart away.  Again, I wish no one ill will...I'm just grieving for myself.  I know they didn't wish this upon me but it still doesn't make it any easier. It's a mixed bag of emotions and difficult to feel happy for someone else but horrible for yourself.  It makes you feel like a bad person and a bad friend in a situation where you already feel bad all the time.  Like some may think, I don't hate people with children or those who can have them, just understand that I'm just dying inside for myself.  I'm grieving our loss that we are unable.  It's hard to watch and be around others who have what you can't.  A day after the pregnancy announcement, Mother Nature was kind enough to remind me I'm not pregnant...again...after 33+ months of trying.  It's just not fair that it's so easy for some people.  Mother Nature had bad timing or was really trying to mess with my head.  The same week the rest of these things happened, I had to go for bloodwork for our next IVF cycle.  In the waiting room was a pregnant woman.  Ironic that she's there because she IS pregnant and I'm stuck there because I CAN'T get pregnant.   It's so incredibly hard to get through the day without falling in a heap on the floor with constant reminders everywhere.  I know not every week will be this hard and it seems everything happened at once.  I hope it gets easier. It seems unfair that everyone I know will be enjoying their newborns, their families and their pregnancy in August while I'm injecting myself with needles for just the hope that I can.  I just ask all the people who care about Chris and I to be patient and understanding through the next few months.  This isn't easy.  

WHY NOT ADOPT?

I hear this solution ALOT.  I'd like to provide some insight about adoption from someone who can't have their own children's perspective.  Before I was faced with infertility, I always thought about adoption.  I knew a few couples struggling to have children of their own and always thought "why not just adopt?".  It seemed like such a simple solution to wanting to be parents.  Well now that I've unfortunately been faced with the reality of infertility, I have a better and less naive perspective that I wish to share.  Unless you've lived a day in the life of someone with infertility, it's quite complex and difficult to understand.  The "why not just adopt"solution just isn't as simple as it sounds.  Here's why:

I guess first and foremost I want to have the experience that every other mother has out there who's grown a child inside of her.  I doubt anyone would argue that this bonding experience isn't a miracle, so why should I have to miss out?  I too want to feel what it's like to be pregnant (the good and even the bad parts), to share the news with friends, family and to experience the excitement of telling my husband he's going to be a daddy.  With adoption you miss out on 9 months of that.  As a woman, it's not selfish to WANT to do what God created me to do... to create life, to give birth and be a mother.  It's what we are made to do and want.  Also, while Chris and I would be happy with any child to raise, we would prefer it to be something our love created for each other.  After all, that's why we got married....it's why most people get married.  I want to see part of my husband in my child because I love him.  

The fact is that adoption is expensive.  Most people don't understand how much money it takes to take a child home.  It actually shocked me when I looked into it and saw the cost.  It seems like such a crime since there are so many loving couples who'd take great care of these children.  The average cost of adoption is a little over $30,000....horrific in comparison to think about what it costs to terminate a pregnancy.  If anyone who has given me this advice is willing to provide us with that kind of money, then we'd reconsider it even more strongly.  The average couple, like us, doesn't have that kind of money.  IVF averages around $15,000....I could try IVF twice for one cost of adoption and have a biological child. 

In my research, it often takes months and for some even years to become matched with a birth mother.  I'm active in reading chat rooms about infertility and adoption.  The paperwork is extensive and there is no guarantee.  In fact a few couples have been matched, waited an extraordinarily long time to take their child home, and got their hopes up.... only to have the birth mother change their mind.  Then you are back to square one.  I've been through so much heartache and have been on a huge emotional roller coaster ride so far that I can't even imagine adding that to the list.  Every one has a breaking point.  I'm nearly there already and for me that could be it.  Just remember it doesn't always go smoothly and timely.  

Adopting a child does not "cure" me from infertility or the  damage it has caused emotionally.  Even if I have my own child, those scars are deep and will always remain in some form.  Adopting a child will only put a bandaide on a much bigger wound.  It will not cure my maternal desire to want my own child and to have that experience of creating life.  I think I'd make a great mom, either to my own child or someone else's but I can't say with 100% agreement that I'd be able to bond with someone else's child....at least not yet.  That would be selfish of me to take a child home in hopes it would "cure" me of my desire to be a mother....only to find out the connection isn't there. Doubtfully that would happen, but this is a child's life and a risk I can't take.  Every child deserves to be loved unconditionally.  My worries and feelings may change over time as my story evolves, but that's how I feel at this stage.  Before I can accept someone else's child as my own, I need to grieve my loss....the loss of not being able to have a child of my own.  I'm not there....at least not yet.  

The time for our next IVF is slowly approaching.  We have a projected time frame of mid August.  We are in the process of preparing mentally, physically and financially.  We have fundraised about $3,000 thanks to our friends and family and have also saved a little over $3,000 ourselves in the past few weeks.  Since we spent our money on the previous failed IVF attempt, we will have to take our a loan to pay the remainder (about $8,000).  It still makes me sad and angry that most people can make their babies for free and seem to take it for granted how easy it is.  Why does it have to be so hard, time consuming, expensive and frustrating for us?  It's just not fair.  We've been doing our due diligence by watching what we spend, we are eating healthier, taking our vitamins and supplements and getting our recommended exercise (most of the time).  I want my body and mind in tip top shape.  In this whole thing, it's the ONLY thing I have control over.  

In the past few weeks I've done some soul searching.  One of the conclusions we've come to as a couple is that this will most likely be our last IVF attempt....at least for a long time.  For one thing, we simply can handle it financially.  It's the equivalent of buying a brand new car outright....not realistic for the average Joe like us.    It's sad that our entire life's dream hinges on a few thousand dollars that we don't have.  Few people have to pay for their baby, but we do.  Physically, IVF takes a toll on your body.  While I'm used to the poking and prodding, it's still no picnic to inject dozens of needles, deal with the effects of hormones, and have surgical procedures even though they are considered "minor" to most.  There's only so much a person can take and I am tired.  We need time to try to be a "normal" couple....to reconnect and focus on something other than having a family (something we haven't been able to do for more than half our marriage).  It seems ironic since that's why most people get married....to have a family.  For our sanity and mental state of mind we simply need a long break or need to consider throwing in the towel.  It's not easy to come to this conclusion.  A few months ago I NEVER would have considered giving up but I've come to realize that while having a family is the MOST important thing to me...it's not the ONLY thing.  It's difficult to re-imagine how you want your life to be when it's all you've ever imagined and when you are reminded of what you don't have nearly every turn you take.  It takes practice to thing about the positive aspects of giving up, versus the negative aspects.  It's no easy feat.  But I've finally begun to mourn my loss and I hope others can see it as a loss.  When someone loses something that's meaningful and important to them, it's usually something tangible....like a home, a person, a pet, a job.  Some people have a hard time relating and don't always place it at the same level.  If my husband died, I'd be allowed to feel sad for long while and it would be expected that I'd have a hard time dealing with life for some time.  Infertility is a silent loss, often unrecognized on the same level.  I've lost my meaning in life and our dream of what we wanted our lives and our marriage to be.  That's a BIG deal...a life changing one.  It's something we will never completely "get over" and it will always be a big part of us.  While I'm extremely sad, this is the first time I am slowly becoming "ok" with the fact that I will never be a parent.  I have started to say goodbye and put to rest my dreams of seeing those double lines on the pregnancy test, sharing our good news with others, giving my parents a grandchild, holding my child for the first time, reading bedtime stories, playing in the park, celebrating mother's and father's day...the list goes on.  Those images in my head may only be just that.  I may miss out on an awesome experience in life and while I can't replace it with something else, I can learn to create new awesome experiences that are meaningful.  Whatever we decide to do, it will always be "second best" but still can have a ton of meaning....and fun.  We just don't know what that will be quite yet.  

Anger Management

Taking a few months off of fertility treatments has allowed me time to do some soul searching.  For the past few weeks I have been seeking the treatment of a psychologist.  At first I was hesitant to blog about it, but I feel that it takes a strong person to realize that they need help processing their feelings and managing stress in a healthy way.  Mental health is just as important as physical health and it often gets ignored or is seen as as taboo to talk about.  I think learning to deal the stress and painful life circumstances in a constructive way takes practice.   

Often times during my struggles with infertility, I often feel the need to "convince" people why this is so awful and feel the need to have my feelings validated by others.  I think most would agree that not being able to have children, or anything important that you want, is difficult.  At times I often feel misunderstood, judged, and feel like our struggle gets trivialized.  In therapy, I've learned that ALL my feelings and thoughts are normal and reasonable for anyone in my situation.  I've learned that anger, sadness, jealousy, denial, defensiveness, among other feelings are completely normal.  It's hard not to be defensive about something so personal, especially when many people will never understand what it's like.

Am I angry? Of course I am!  I have every right to be.  Most people would never judge someone who lost the ability to walk or someone who lost their home if they became angry.  Yet at times some people make me feel as if it's not ok to be mad.  Infertility is a loss.  I've lost my dreams and expectations of my future...my entire life I've only ever imaged my life with a family.  My husband and I married each other with the intentions of making a family. So now what?  Now I may have to  say goodbye to those dreams and replace them with something that is only second best...  The worst part it is that I don't have a choice in the matter and there's nothing I can do about it.  I have to grieve the loss of my dreams and life's expectations.   Of course that makes me angry.  It isn't fair.  I know no one will ever understand what it's like unless they've lived it but I think most people can relate to loss.  

Often times it's hard to know what to say to someone struggling with anything difficult in life, whether it be a job loss, cancer, death or infertility.  Sometimes you don't know what to say and wonder if you should say anything at all.  It seems that nothing is the right thing to say.   I can tell you that there have been times when no one could say anything "right" and every comment hurt.  I guess it's just the nature of what I'm dealing with.  My best advice, with this or anything else is to acknowledge it and know that you don't always have to try to help the person "fix" it or offer advice.  Sometimes just hearing someone say that they are thinking about you or just agree that this is a hard thing to handle is enough.  Sometimes all I need is for someone "validate" why I feel how I do and that it's ok to feel this way.