It's been a few weeks since our failed IVF attempt. We put all of our blood, sweat and tears (literally) into it....not to mention ALL of our savings. We stopped doing many of the things we liked to do like vacationing, and even simpler things like buying coffee in the morning, going to dinner with friends or doing projects around our house. Most people our age are using their money for family vacations, retirement, or deciding what kind of kitchen countertop they'd like to have. Not us. We just want a family...something most people completely take for granted. We still don't think it's fair that most people do this for free and that mother nature seems to have shafted us. Getting pregnant and having a baby seems so simple, but not for us. It no longer becomes simple when you've been trying for years and end up with nothing but medical bills and heartbreak. 

 For the past few weeks Chris and I have been racking our brains HOW we'd come with the money (again) for another try of having a family. We are already working full time and I even have an extra job. We watch every penny we spend and it STILL took a year for us to come up with the money for our last IVF cycle. Infertility is classified by the CDC as a disease and a disability, yet the government does not mandate that insurance companies cover treatment. I guess they think it's cheaper to cover psychological counseling instead....because that's where many of us end up due to the stress it causes. After alot of contemplation and discussion with a few close friends and family, we have decided to create a donation fund. Who likes asking for money? We definitely don't. I pride myself in being self-sufficient and have gone out of my way to be responsible, get an education and a decent job. However, time is not on our side and waiting another year to try IVF again would decrease our chances dramatically. For females like myself, in the mid thirties, who already have fertility problems, fertility decreases as we age. Not fair, but true. We know that by opening ourselves up to basically asking for monetary support, we also open ourselves up to judgement. We're ok with that because we know the struggles we've been through. People do fundraisers for other diseases like heart disease, ALS, etc. They didn't choose to have their disease. Neither did we. But they CAN choose to have treatment, just as we are choosing to do. Infertility is our disease whether we like it or not and we are making the choice to do something about it. If you were diagnosed with cancer or a disease like diabetes and chose not to do anything about it, I'm sure your friends would be pounding down your door and ask why you aren't trying??!!!! Why is this any different? Most people will never realize the depth of infertility and may pass judgements, however we can assure you it's no joking matter. It has forever changed our lives in the here and now and will also change our future. We may have no choice whether or not we have a family, but we can at least try. If we are judged for having a fundraiser to help us afford a family, then I think judgement needs to be passed on fundraisers for things like girlscouts, fundraisers for sports teams, schools and playgrounds, and even fundraisers to help a family after a fire.... These are all great causes too so how is ours any different? It's everyone's choice to donate or not and we will not pass judgement however will truly be grateful to anyone who can help.

We have lived more than half of our married lives living and trying to survive the struggles of infertility.  It's not the fairytale outcome you think you're going to have starting off the first few years of marriage.  We knew that we'd have the typical struggles most couples have like fighting over stupid things like who left the garage door open all night and putting extra money in savings after paying all the bills. Once we decided the time was right to start a family, we knew raising children wouldn't be easy.  We make a decent living but both of us need to work to pay our bills and and maintain our current lifestyle.  We knew paying for daycare and deciding whose turn it is to get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby also wouldn't be easy.  We were realistic that while having children is a blessing, it's not all roses.  But we realized the benefits of having a family FAR outweighed the downfalls.  But never in our wildest dreams did we realize that it would be hard to even get there.  That wasn't even in our radar until we started trying and trying and...trying.  It seemed so unfair that everyone else in our family had NO trouble.  In fact I doubt most pregnancies were even planned.  Then there we were, planning our life away as life was passing us by.  It's not how I envisioned starting off married life, especially since I waited so long to reap the rewards of marriage.  I thought waiting was a good thing, but I guess I was wrong.  It's been a struggle for us and has literally rocked our world.  While we still love each other, this struggle has changed us.  There are only glimpses of the fun loving couple we used to be that loves to do new things and travel.  We have much more on our plates and are much more stressed about things NO couple should have to be.  

I know this is cliche' but this whole ordeal has been a big roller coaster ride...however from my experience it's been mostly a down hill ride.  During treatment cycles you invest SO much time, effort and not to mention money.  Throughout this we invested so much emotionally and financially...it's just plain hard to deal with the ups and downs this has thrown at us while everyone else in the world seems to carry on as normal.  Even though thousands of other couples are facing this too, it makes us feel so isolated since the rest of our friends and family never faced the struggles that we have no choice but to face.  It's not easy when you want something so bad that ALL your friends and family seem to have.  I can't tell you have frustrating and horrible it is to sit in on a conversation among my peers about how their kid did this and that while I'm dying inside.  

I think most people have some kind of life plan.  We did too.  When your plan involves something you desire so much, it's difficult to accept and deal with it when it doesn't go your way.  It's a complete loss of control.  At least with other things in life, like a job/career choice, where you live, the relationships you keep, the lifestyle to you live, you have SOME control over it by the choices you make.  Not with infertility.  We didn't choose this way of life and there's very little choices we can make about it.  The choices are to live childless and give up our hopes and dreams of a family or to pay thousands upon thousands of dollars for treatment that may not work.  There is no doubt about it that most of you reading this value family and couldn't imagine your life without them....I value it too but I seem to have no choice because I can't even start one.  The more you travel down the path of infertility, the more it steals from you and the more control you lose.  We are at the mercy of tests, treatments and the doctors and little is in our control.  We have to fit our lives around their schedules and the schedule my body decides it wants to have.  When you lose this much control in your life, it's easy to feel that every aspect of your life is spiraling out of control....   when you invest so much time and effort into something you have little time for much else.  Everything seems to feel like it's on hold until this gets straightened out.  I feel that my life is passing in front of me while I just watch it happen. I've already lost nearly three years of my life like this...but when you want something so badly it's hard to give up.

Along with with feeling isolated, we will always have people that just don't "get it" or person that unknowingly ask a painful question without thinking about what they are saying.  I STILL get comments about how God will give us a baby when he's ready, or "it's meant to be", or "be patient and it'll happen" or "relax and stop worrying about it."  While these comments seem harmless they are actually the most painful things you can say to some struggling with infertility.  It's hard to explain unless you've lived through it.  Infertility seems to have a double standard and often goes ignored.  Would you ever say to someone who just lost his legs, "well at least you have your arms." or invite him to watch a marathon (yet I get invited to baby showers)?  Would you tell them to not worry about it and let God take control...probably not.  Infertility is a medical problem and somehow people forget that.  It's completely awful and insensitive when I'm told to "stop worrying about it" when it's our dream, we've given 110% to it for years and have invested so much emotionally and financially.  It seem acceptable ask for money for a wedding or a babyshower, or to fundraise for cancer research, muscular dystrophy, or their kids' soccer team, but is somehow faux pax to ask for money for infertility patients.  My struggles are no less painful and life changing from my perspective.  

There's no switch that we can turn off in our brains to make us not want children.  We can't help it.  I'm reminded of children everyday and every where I go.  I can't get away from it.  I work in a medical office building and on my way to the car saw a very YOUNG couple admiring their ultrasound picture.  The same week a patient of mine asked an innocent question: "do you have children?"  While it seems innocent enough, it was very painful.  Less than a week ago I had just gotten the news of our failed IVF attempt.  Yet she didn't stop there.  She proceeded to ask my age and then said "well you better hurry of before it's too late."  If she only knew..........some people just don't think.  

As far as our relationships with others.....it seems up and down.  This is an awkward topic to talk about and not everyone knows how.  Because this has become the center of our universe, there are a few friends that we've lost along the way and some relationships that are suffering because they don't understand. No one can really understand our struggles unless they've lived though this and it gets tiring trying to prove to people that we want this so badly and it's important to us.  Sadly I feel that the further we travel down this path the more this will happen.  This is important to us...the most important thing we could ever want,  but not everyone understands our struggles.  Eventually people are going to get tired of hearing our story and move on to more "fun" couples with similar interests.  On the flip side, there have been some relationships that have improved because of our struggles.  Some people are really surprising us and going above and beyond to support us.  I can't thank these people enough.  

Running in circles

As much as I need the comfort of family and friends right now I can't bear to face anyone.  Sobbing isn't going to make our situation any different and that's all I can do right now.  Face to face I always have a hard time coming up with the right words to say.  I've always been that way.  My mouth works faster than my brain I suppose.  But I've never had much of a problem with written words.  I enjoy writing and I think I'm actually pretty good at it sometimes.  But today I find myself at a loss for words.  I have so many thoughts racing through my mind and none of them seems to make any sense.  Since I can't seem to be around anyone, using my blog as a form of "therapy" is all I have.  I just want answers to questions that can't be answered.  Why me?  What did I do to deserve this?  It's incredibly easy to feel angry at the world, resentful towards others and sorry for yourself when a life trauma is thrown over and over in your face.  I can't say I'm not guilty of feeling this way.  I've played life by the rules, think I'm genuinely a good person, and these are the cards I've been dealt?  I know there's people whose life circumstances are far worse than mine...I try to be grateful for the life I have, yet it seems so pointless because I don't feel it's complete.  Why does it seem so easy for others?  Why do people seem to take for granted what's right in front of them?  

I'd be lying if I said I was ok.  In fact, I'm far from it.  I know that my pain will lessen with time but my scars will always remain.  The only cure for me is to have the child I so badly want and even then this will still always be a huge part of my life.  At one point I was happy we were one in 8 couples struggling with infertility.  You may ask why.  I always thought we'd beat it early on and have our kids, but that's far from true.  I was happy because I felt our struggles with infertility were shaping me into being a better person.  I'm learning compassion and empathy firsthand.  I'm learning not to take simple things for granted.  I'm learning how good some people really are.  I thought these struggles would teach me an important life lesson and that I would value and cherish my children more than the average person once I had them.  It would make me be a better parent.  But now I'm not so sure.  Infertility is ugly.  It's bringing out the negative side of me too.  I'm angry at God (if there is one) and the world.  I'm resentful towards people I love because they have what I don't.  I don't want to be around people with children because that reminds me what I can't have and what a failure I am.  I don't want to be around people who are happy because I'm miserable.  I don't want to hang around friends that are younger than me because I'm mad they have time on their side.  It's selfish and it's not fair to them.  As if living with infertility isn't bad enough, it makes me feel like a horrible person for having such negative emotions towards people who are important to me.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy and never in a million years did I think I'd be where I am today.  I imagined my life very differently.

For some strange reason I had a sixth sense that this trial of IVF failed.  I had a gut feeling and I don't know why.  I did my best to stay cautiously optimistic.  I was scheduled for my beta (pregnancy blood test) this past Tuesday....exactly 2 weeks after the egg retrieval.  Every day I took a pregnancy test, knowing very well they aren't accurate this early in the game....it was alluring because sometimes they are.  I imagined how I'd tell Chris we were about to have our dream baby, running to show him my first double lines.  I imagined how I'd tell our parents they were going to be grandparents.  That never happened.  Each day I kept getting a negative, only to convince myself tomorrow would be the day.  Monday morning was my last home test and I knew time was running out.  I knew many women had already gotten their positives by now.  I was at work Monday and was scheduled till 6:30.  It was supposed to be another busy day of patients but luckily I had a few cancels at 3:00 and 4:00 so I had a few free hours.  Then it happened.  I went to the bathroom and started bleeding.  At first a little but then (sorry if this is tmi) it was gushing.  Obviously something was wrong.  You aren't supposed to bleed that badly if you are pregnant.  I was also taking progesterone supplements and you aren't supposed to get your period while on them.   I knew I was losing the pregnancy...if there even was one.  I'll never know.  I called the doctor's office and got the voicemail.  I called back again and explained the situation to the secretary.  I asked to speak with the emergency on call doctor because something clearly was wrong.  Her response:  "well....first of all this isn't an emergency.  I'll transfer you."  She transferred me to the same voicemail I already called.  I was horrified and still can't get over how I was treated!  I was losing my entire life's dream before my eyes and there was nothing I could do!  But what could I do?  I had 5:00 patients.  I have already been missing work for doctor's appointments and just can't risk losing my job.  It pays my bills and afforded me my first IVF trial.  I wanted to cry SO bad but I work with all male coworkers....none of whom know what's going on.  I couldn't leave and couldn't cry in front of patients.  This was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  But I did it....I stayed and completed my day.  The minute they all left I cried and pretty much continued this pattern since Monday.  I didn't sleep at all Monday night.  I took the test Tuesday because the doctor (who I did end up talking to) said I should. I worked Tuesday, choked my tears back for a few hours then came home to receive the call from the doctor's office with my results....as if I didn't already know.  I STILL have yet to speak with my doctor.  In fact, I probably never will.  Apparently he's "slowing down".  I spoke with his colleague and briefly discussed my concerns I was having with the clinic.  Monday we have our post IVF consult to further discuss what could have went wrong and I will continue to express my concerns.  Friday I made an appointment with RMA for second opinion.  I am nervous and anxious to get some answers.  

I'm not at the point where I can give up yet but this struggle is so hard.  At times I don't know how I'm going to survive, how I'm going to make it through the day or even the next hour.  Simple tasks take great effort.  Getting dressed and going to work seem insurmountable.  Life isn't supposed to be this unhappy.  I know that if I don't try again I'll always regret it.  In 2 months my chances of conceiving statically drop about 15%...pretty scary since we already have had so many failures.  How will I handle another?  Our first step is to find some answers, get a few more opinions (at another cost I'm sure...each consult runs about $350) and then chose our next doctor carefully.  I have to remember I'm interviewing them.  They just got paid thousands of dollars that I earned just to give me the period from hell.  After that our next hurdle is to find the money (again) to pay for it all.  It does come at a price. We paid around 11,000 of our own money for IVF and used a 2,000 grant I won from BabyQuest for medications.  The remainder of the medications were covered under insurance however my benefits ran out.  We drained our savings and are starting from scratch.  Time isn't on our side and I feel like I am in a race to come up with it.  For all you reader out there, any suggestions are helpful.  I've thought of everything....is it tacky to have a fundraiser and ask for money?  At this point short of begging, if it gets me closer to my dream I'll do it.  

I'm writing this blog with a very heavy heart.  As everyone knows, Chris and I have been pursuing our dream of a family for over 30some plus months.  We've been under the care of a professional for well over a year and have tried everything under the sun....even herbal remedies and old wives tales to get pregnant.  We've failed 4 procedures prior to our recent IVF trial and have had our hopes and dreams come crashing down on several occasions.  However, as hard as it was, we did not give up.  There were times when I didn't think it was humanly possible to make it through this alive, times when I became severely depressed and discouraged.  We painstakingly saved for the past year for this one shot at having a baby.  At one point I worked 3 jobs, one which I absolutely HATED.  We scraped up every bit of money and gave up alot of things.  We did it thinking there'd be an end in sight and that all our hard work would be rewarded.  It made every bad day at work and every struggle we had during that point seemingly worth it.  Infertility is stressful enough, worrying about money makes it that much harder.  

I knew going into this there were no guarantees, but if we wanted a family of our own, it was the ONLY way.  I went into this cautiously optimistic.  Some may have classified me as being a bit of a pessimist.  I'd get so angry at people who told me to have hope...as if I didn't?  Hope is ALL I ever had.   Never would I have threw myself under the bus, drained my bank account, and made myself vulnerable if I didn't have hope.   The people telling me this weren't the ones who had to live through months and months of heartache - procedure after failed procedure.  I did.  I lived through it all and no one wiped my tears or hugged me when I sobbed.  So please don't tell me to have hope.  

As you've probably guessed from the sound of this post, our recent IVF was a big fat failure.  We got what the infertility crowd calls a BFN (big fat negative). I've had a pretty good sixth sense about all my procedures and pregnancy attempts.  Sadly this was no different.  I don't know why, but I just knew it failed.  I just knew. I have put every ounce of hope, mustered every bit of strength for this, and I came out the loser.  We have no money left and it takes alot of it to have a baby when you're infertile.  Things most of you reading this have taken for granted.  I can't tell you how angry I am at half of you reading this right now.  You all are living MY dream and have NO idea what a day in the life of this is like.  All I ever wanted in life was a family of my own.  I worked so incredibly hard to have a good life.  I went to college, was responsible, saved money...all for nothing.  I am no better off and feel little desire for life as it is now.  It hurts so bad I can't breathe.  

I just wasted $16,000 on nothing but a freaking period. I took absences from work and put my body through hell for nothing.  It's easy for anyone who's not in my shoes to say remain hopeful when they aren't the ones going through painful, embarrassing and expensive procedure, stabbing themselves with needles, taking time off work, and going through hormonal changes on a day to day basis.  It's not easy.  So the room next to ours still remains empty.  I would have been due December 3rd.  Again, Christmas will be with empty arms.  I'm going to spend another mother's day childless while the rest of the world carries on.  I may never know what it' like to be pregnant or to read my child a bedtime story.  I don't know what will happen next.  I thought I prepared myself for this scenario but I was dead wrong.  Nothing can prepare you for this.  Sadly, other than maxing out our credit cards we don't have the money to try again.  Is it worth that for the chances of another potential failure and heartbreak?  Then we could be bankrupt and still childless, paying debt for years for something we don't even have.  Chris is in his 40's and in exactly 2.5 months statically my fertility drops another 20some percent.  Unless someone has very good advice how to acquire money, is willing to donate it or has some guarantees, please don't offer advice.  I do however appreciate all your love and support throughout this ordeal.  My wounds are only getting deeper and my scars will never completely heal.  No matter what this pain will always be a part of me.  

Surviving the 2ww (barely)

It's been over a week since egg retrieval and embryo transfer.  Getting through each day has been difficult and I can honestly say this has been the longest week of my life.  Monday, after I recieved the phone call from the lab that our remaining embryos didn't survive, I was devastated.  But I still had to be at work within the hour so I didn't have  much time to process the severity or grieve.  I've felt over the past few months that I've been taking alot of blows with this whole trying to have a baby dream.  Despite 30plus consective months of failures and 4 failed procedures, we got back up on our feet to try again.  We saved months for one shot at IVF and here we are.  I swear God is really trying to mess with me and it's cruel.  Monday, after the phone call I was walking down the hallway with a patient.  I work at a medical center.  We were deep in conversation and I wasn't even paying attention to where we were walking until I looked up.  I was right in front of the office window for prenatal testing.  I saw many seemingly happy very pregnant soon-to-be mommies waiting.  I'm waiting too.....just to get pregnant.  I nearly had a breakdown but had to pull it together rather quickly since it's embarrassing and unprofessional to cry in front of patients.  

Fast Forward to Tuesday:  Our secretary gets a phone call asking if we can treat low back pain in pregnant women.  I was choking back tears as I told him the answer.  I would kill to be in her shoes.  I also couldn't even imagine how I'd possibly be able to treat this woman on my caseload.  I'm sure I'd end up crying everytime. 

Fast Forward to Wednesday:  I dreamt I was old.  Alone.  I was in a small room.  I seemed sad. I grew old, without making a legacy for myself and without anyone to care if I was alive or dead.  I dreamt of lonely holidays...Christmastime without anyone.

Fast Forward to Thursday:  I was on facebook and saw yet another newborn announcement, countless posts of friends' children, and an unwanted advertistement for DisneyBaby stating: "10 miraculous things you didn't know about pregnancy." This was the night I was up half the night because of severe stomach pains.  I was doubled over in pain contemplating going to the ER.

Fast Forward to Today:  I am taking a continuing education course this weekend that was planned way before we scheduled IVF.  As bad of a weekend for it to be, I used it as an opportunity to get my mind off waiting....at least that's what I thought.  There's a pregnant woman in the class waaaay younger than me.  I overheard her giggling about with each of her pregnancies her husband has gained the same amount of weight as her.  I was so incredibly jealous....she's oblivious and so lucky that she even can get pregnant.  Then an hour into the class the instuctors started talking about pregnancy.  It's a mobilization class for the neck and we were reviewing precautions.  What could have been 2 sentences, turned out to be THREE stories about their wives pregnancies.  Everyone laughed...but me.

I've been trying to pass the time and stay optomistic.  I'd say I've succeeded by about 50% of the time.  The other  half is filled with obsessive internet searches about thing IVF related, boredom,  worrying and praying.  I've tried think about how I'd react if the test is negative.  Each time I either end up crying or have to change the subject in my head.  It's too devastating.  But I NEED to be somewhat prepared, if that's even possible.  I've tried to think about doing this all over again.  HOW could we afford it...COULD I even handle it physically and emotionally again?  

Putting all my eggs in one basket: VENT SESSION

It's 3:00am and I can't sleep.  It could be from my cat who's surprisingly snoring louder than my husband, but most likely it's from everything that's on my mind.  This morning was hard.  I got the call from the lab that all of our remaining embryos, what I considered future potential babies, died.  Friday, they weren't doing so well as they were only 4 cells and should have been 8.  I was skeptical then, but still hopeful.  Still - it hurts to hear that news.  Even though these embryos were only a few cells and a few days old, they were still mine and held the only ticket to my dream of parenthood.  Now they are gone. Did you know that as soon as an egg is fertilized, the genetic DNA already dictates sex, looks and even mannerisms?  I'll never know what they could have been.  All that love and work and they are gone.  I read a few days back that usually only 30% of embryos actually survive.  Despite that I was still praying and hoping that I'd have something left to freeze in case this cycle fails and I don't get pregnant from the two that are inside of me now.  It's SO disappointing.  I'm so angry at my doctor.  All along, they had me believing I'd have tons of embryos...even alluding that I'd have some to freeze for future brothers and sisters.   There's nothing more hurtful than false hope. I wish they'd have prepared me better for THIS.  It was never mentioned.  Clearly I've never done this before so I rely on them.   That's why they get paid the big bucks. 

Like anyone waiting for life changing news that could potentially be the best news ever or the worst ever, my mind flip flops back and forth between hopeful and hopeless.  I make stupid deals with myself and God about what I'll do and the kind of person I'll be if this works.  Silly.  Everyone keeps telling me to think positive but they aren't the ones who have to live with the devastating consequences if things end badly.  Also, these are also the people who already have children and can in no way relate to this pain.  Who's gonna pick me up off the bathroom floor this time from a sobbing mess?  NO ONE wants this more than me.  No one.  Hope is all I have.  I know there's only a 40% chance of me being pregnant with this cycle and I'm hanging onto every ounce of hope there is.  But that being said, I need to be prepared if this fails.  We have NOTHING left.  We have no more saving and no other options.  Saving money for this IVF cycle was painstakingly slow and I've already waited so long... and we are only getting older.  I simply can't bare to wait again.

I know I have 2 perfect embryos inside of me now.  Chances seem great since they are formed so well and my body is in good shape reproductively speaking.  But as I've learned the hard way more than several times, NOTHING is guaranteed.  At one point the doctors had me convinced my IUIs would work and all my friends and family were positive too, but look where we are now.  Reality is that things don't always go as hoped for and I know that better than anyone telling me to remain positive.  I've cried thousands of tears and not one person who's told me to remain positive has been there when I'm nothing but a hot mess and not one of those persons can guarantee me what I want so badly.  So while I'm trying to remain positive that this cycle is going to work, I also need to be realistic for sanity sake.  

Nothing is guaranteed and I get the impression that everyone that knows we are doing IVF thinks it is.  No one has provided me any advice or comfort about what to do if things end badly, yet people seem to have no problem getting my hopes up talking about my future children.  That's more cruel than dangling a piece of steak in front of a starving person.  Who does that?  I've done everything right with this cycle, listened to doctor's orders strictly and have hoped and prayed to God more than a nun prays on Sunday.  But life isn't always fair.  If this were guaranteed just because I'm a good person and have tried so hard, explain why I'm not pregnant yet after nearly 3 years of relentless trying and yet crack moms can have kids? And many couples who'd make fantastic parents try and try for children....and nothing.  This just proves that it could go either way and mentally if I'm not somewhat prepared for the worst I don't know how I'll pick up the pieces.  This one cycle alone cost upwards of $16,000....not an easy task to save for on our salary or for most people.  We DON'T have the money again and that scares me to death.  It's not fair that my potential to have a family is solely based on my salary.  Unless you are willing to give me $16,000 please don't be condescending and tell me to think positive. 

On another note, I wanted to politely ask to refrain from asking when I'll know the results.  While I've made my battle very public, but this is something that is private between Chris and I.  I don't need to feel pressure to tell people we are or aren't pregnant.  There's so much pressure already.  While I'm happy that everyone is pulling for us, we need to deal with the results as a couple first...no matter what happens.  If it's positive I want the joy of telling people in my own way.  Afterall, I've waited SO long to give good news.  If it's negative, I need time (lots of it) to grieve and to think of a back up plan (if there is one).  There's nothing worse than having to tell a million people your biggest dream failed...50 times.  I can't possibly relive the nightmare each time I tell someone.  I only want to say it once because it's just too hard.  

Again, thank you all for supporting us.  I know this isn't the most positive post but it's how I feel about what's going on. I appreciate all the kind words and prayers.  

Our beautiful 3 day old embryos

I'm on 1dp3dt (1 day post 3 day transfer).  Basically that just means I transferred a 3 day old embryo yesterday.  Along the way, I've picked up a lot of infertility lingo.  It's amazing what I learned over the past few months, not only about infertility but about myself.  As far as procedures go, this one wasn't too bad.  I arrived at 9:30 and was on my way home by 10:00.  What basically happens is you go into the surgical room, see your embryos in the petri dish through a TV screen to confirm they have the right ones (God I hope :) so), they do the speculum thing and insert a "test" catheter through your cervix to  make sure there will be no complications.  Once this is completed the real catheter, with our embryos inside, is inserted and then they are released.  All this is seen and guided via traditional ultrasound through my stomach.  It was amazing that Chris and I could see this entire process on the screen and actually watch them be released into their new home.  It was surreal....we nearly cried and would have if others weren't in the room for our big moment.  In order to make the ultrasound picture higher quality, you are required to have a full bladder.  While this doesn't seem like a big deal, it is.  I obviously drank TOO much water and thought at one point this was some sort of medieval torture technique.  At times it was quite painful but it didn't last very long thankfully.  Remember, even though my eggs were retrieved three days prior, the ovaries stay swollen for quite some time, often the size of a softball.  Needless to say there's not alot of room in there so even small amount of liquid in the bladder is awful.  I now know what it's like for pregnant women to feel they have to pee all the time.  Actually I'm still experiencing this but it gets better each day.  After the transfer you lie still for 10 minutes and then are discharged home for modified bed rest for a few days.  After I got home, I made myself comfortable on the couch that has been my home these past several days.  Throughout the day I was experiencing intermittent sharp pains in my ovaries....I relate it to the time I had appendicitis but not quite as intense and long lasting.  That too gets better each day.  I wish someone would have told me all the side effects IVF can have (especially the emotional ones).  However, I still would do it a thousand times over.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss, other times not so much.

The past few days have been nerve wracking.  We didn't get word until about a day later that 10 of 14 eggs were usable and 7 fertilized.  We had to wait until Thursday to find out how they were growing.  This was NOT a fun time.  Just because they fertilized doesn't mean they'll grow.  In fact I read that usually only 30% make it.  This had me horrified since that meant only 2....I was SO praying to have some to freeze in case this fails.  Thursday (at work) I got the call that we had 2 four celled, 1 three celled, and 4 two celled embryos.  At least they are made it, but we were (and still are) not out of the woods yet.  Unless by the next morning we had 5 eight celled embryos, we would have the transfer on day three instead waiting until day 5.  Again....more waiting.  I got the call at promptly 7:30am that I should arrive at 9:30 for the transfer.  The secretary called and therefore I was unable to see how the embryos were doing.  This really scared me.   It was the first time I really felt like a parent....how are my "kids"?@!!!   We arrived, had the transfer of the best looking 2 embryos (2 perfect Grade 1 embryos), and then were told the fate of our other 5 potential babies.  As of yesterday all were still only at 4 cells (7 to 9 cells on day three is what we are aiming at for viable embryos).  They said anything could happen so not to worry.  That's quite easy for them so say.  Sometimes bad looking embryos take off and grow beautifully while good looking ones just stop growing.  We will know Monday morning the end result.  They must make it to blastocyst stage (a certain stage in embryo development) in order to be considered viable and be frozen. I am hoping and praying for some to make it, but God it's incredibly nerve wracking.  

Some clinics wait until the embryos are 5 days old, while others transfer earlier at day 3.  There are many factors involved.  First, if you only have a few, the sooner they can get them into you the better.  Our womb beats any petri dish in a lab.  If you wait too long, they may die and you may take the risk of having nothing to transfer.  But if you are lucky enough to have alot, many times they wait until day 5 when the embryo are more robust and capable of implanting.  We were not so lucky, but either way viable pregnancies can happen with both.  In our case there was no question what to do and which embryos to choose.  What I've learned is that even poor looking embryos can develop into beautiful babies and sometimes even the best looking ones fail to implant and cause pregnancy.  You just never know.  

The two embryos we had were perfect Grade 1's.  That means that by day 3 they were between 7 and 9 cells, all cells were equal in size, and there was little to no fragmentation (pieces that break off and float around).  There are different grading systems and criteria embryologist use to grade the quality....I've learned it's an art, not a science and can vary clinic to clinic.  While having 2 text book, picture perfect embryos is great news, we still have no guarantees which rocks me to the core.  I'm on modified bed rest until Monday morning, so I have nothing to do but think.