Things aren't always what they seem.

I learned that lesson in life...many times over.  Whether it's a job interview, a date, or having a baby, most people have an idea in their head of how things will pan out.  I never envisioned that we'd have trouble having a baby.... but here we are, 29 months later.  The ideas in my head of how this would happen were totally different and much more traditional.  Never did I imagine I'd need a team of people to get me pregnant.  The thought of hormones, doctor's offices and "test tubes"(really it's a petri dish), never crossed my mind when it came to conception.  It just goes to show that you can plan anything as much as you want, but ultimately whatever happens will happen.  I believe that's what has taken me so long to finally take the plunge and commit to the IVF process.  No matter what I do or how great my team of doctor's are, no one is truly in the driver's seat.  It's pretty scary knowing that something you want SO badly, you have little to no control over.  It's pretty damn hard to throw expectations out the window but I'm trying so badly.  The worst consequence in all this isn't the thousands and thousands of dollars I shelled out, the painful procedures or sleepless nights....it's throwing out my expectation that this will work.  While we have a good chance, it's still no guarantee and all the effort could be for nothing.  

Just to re-cap where we've come from:  
    - 29 months of "trying"
    - 1 failed clomid cycle
    -2 failed IUIs (with clomid)
    - 1 failed IUI (with injectable medication)
Clearly we are no longer rookies in this journey. Thursday I finally decided to make the call to the doctor's office.  We've taken a hiatus from baby planning for alot of different reasons.  Mainly financial since it's so damn expensive.   My original plan was to do IVF in October but we didn't have the money.  Then it was November but I didn't want to be faced with potential disappointment over the holidays.  Then it was January, but we STILL didn't have enough money and I started a new job.  Then it was March and come hell or high water, I was going to make it happen.  I knew from our IVF consult this past summer that they wanted a month notice in order to have enough time to acquire all the medications. What I DIDN'T realize is that since we waited so long we need to be re-tested before we can start IVF in March....that means we start NOW.  Believe it or not our last rounds of tests were in 2011!  I wasn't expecting that.  I was asked to come in the very next day for updated testing and have the rest of February to finish it up.  We need updated blood values for hormones and communicable diseases, updated ultrasounds, updated semen analysis and the dreaded updated hysteroscope....the VERY test that made me almost give this all up because it was so horrible.  I have a repeat test soon and the anxiety over it as already started since I know what to expect and it's not pretty.  I've been pretty calm about this whole situation the past few months since I've been a bit removed from it, but the MINUTE I walked into the doctor's office, all those negative emotions came flying back with vengeance and seem to be here to stay.  I didn't miss them.  The other downfall is the stress it's already starting to place on our relationship.  I will be the first to admit this is not an easy journey to deal with as a couple.  Even though we are diagnosed with male factor infertility, I'm still the one who must endure all the tests, procedures and medications.  Words can't describe how frustrating that is and how alone I feel in this process.  

I was also given my medication list.  I knew I'd be on alot of hormones....but didn't realize how many until they were written in front of me.  I feel like an old person, taking so many drugs and all.  All together it's 9 different medications...most hormones and many are injectables.  As we all know, I don't do needles but apparently I'll have a cocktail of 4 or so different types of needles.  And my husband gets.....nothing.  As it turns out BabyQuest (the organization that was going to help with with medications) may come through afterall.  I am forever thankful because it's alot of money.  To pay for IVF, yesterday I wrote out a check that was more money than our house downpayment and I nearly had a coronary.....and that's only for the IVF, not medication.  It took me over a year to save just for this one chance.  I called a few different pharmacies and the cost will be in the thousands for one round of IVF.  Upwards of over $6,000.  I have some insurance coverage but definitely not that much.  Whatever I can't acquire via BabyQuest or my insurance I will have to somehow come up with before March 1st (our official start date).  Yesterday I had to start birth control pills.  Weird.  For those that don't know what the IVF process entails, it's so they can have complete control of your cycle and when you start IVF.  It took me awhile to process this because after-all we are trying to have a baby...not prevent one!  

I've made it through the holidays alive!!!   It's been quite the stressful time with starting a new job and dealing with all the emotions of being childless....again..... for the holidays.  I can't even begin to explain how much stress was raging through me but I've dealt with it and it's dwindling down.  In retrospect,  the new job may have been a helpful distraction as hard as it is.

Lately I've been M.I.A because I've been battling with my own demons of IVF.  A few things I'll share:    I've had a great deal of people contact me in my same situation for moral support or advice since I've started blogging.  I felt genuinely GOOD about helping someone out there, like myself, dealing with these same demons and emotions.  That was the very purpose for this blog....as well as to vent frustration and educate.  I can't tell you how it warms my heart, that my story hits home for some people and gives them the courage to get through the day knowing they aren't alone.  Infertility can be a lonely world out there, even though I know it affects millions.  BUT I've also had some "not so nice" comments.  I'm sure people take things out of context, just can't relate, or are just plain mean and insensitive.  BUT REALLY??.....you can't keep your mean comments to yourself is what I am really thinking.  If they'd take the time to read this WHOLE blog instead of excerpts, they just may grow some compassion.  I'm not sure why, but it severely hurts my feelings to think someone looks down upon me for my struggles and judges me when they could never imagine a day in my life.  It made me want to STOP blogging but I'm still here.  

Also, a few people I've been in contact with via my blog are now pregnant.  While I'm ecstatic for them, it's just plain hard to be left out and still........W A I T I N G and no farther along than I was months ago with our journey.  I can't even begin to process all those feelings in my head, let alone write it down.  



SO....where are we in the journey now?  I've been saving over a year to have enough money and we are nearly there.  Our grant we received for medication may not go through due to the donator (NOT Babyquest) backing out.  Time will tell and I will be in touch with the folks from Babyquest to see what they can do.  I'm still thankful to them regardless for thinking of me and getting my story out there.  Needless to say we may be on our own for everything, should this fall through.  My plan is to start IVF early March.  IF all goes as planned I should have egg retrieval and implantation mid March and should have the results by the end of March.  The next two months are going to be LOOONG.  I've been out of the loop with invasive medical appointments and don't miss it.  Soon will come all the poking and prodding as well as all the emotions of dealing with this situation.  It's been awhile since I've been forced to deal with it.  

In preparation for the big day, I've recently given up all caffeine (NO COFFEE!!!), white sugar, and all alcohol.  I've also re started my prenatal vitamins and exercising regularly.  Whether or not it makes a difference, I don't know, but as least I'm doing everything I can.  

For most, IVF is the last and FINAL chance for a baby.  I know it's ours.  I can honestly say I don't know what I will do if it fails.  I'm not sure how and IF I'll be able to pick up the pieces and don't know if we can do it again.  But I do know that within the next two months, I will be thinking about it ALOT.  

The past few years Christmas season have always been a stressful time of year for me.  Besides the fact that I'm busy like everyone else is trying to work and to find time and money to shop for gifts, I'm also thinking overtime about our infertility.  This is my third year that I hoped I'd either be pregnant or have a family for Christmas.  For most, Christmas revolves around children so I feel very left out and sad that I don't yet have what I want so badly.  It doesn't help that I can count over 5 people off the top of my head that just had newborns or are pregnant.  It seems the pregnancy and baby announcements are a daily occurrence.  And while I know I'll be doing it once I finally have my family, it doesn't help getting Christmas cards with pictures of children, babies and families.  The other stress come from the fact that just because I don't have children, doesn't mean I'm not busy too.  I have a career, interests, hobbies, and responsibilities too.  Sometimes it frustrates me that others with families take advantage that.  Why are my responsibilities any less important than theirs just because I am childless?  Why do people always assume I have more money to spend for the holidays or for day to day things because I have no children?  Why am I always the one to travel to meet up with people or for the holidays?  I agree that maybe I have a cleaner house with no toys cluttering the living room and take extra vacations because I don't have children....but for the past 2 1/2 years, this hasn't been my choice.

To put things into perspective (if you have children) how I feel now:  the amount of time and intensity you spend loving your child and doing things for them, is the same amount of time and sadness I have thinking about and dealing with our infertility.  It isn't as easy as turning off a switch. Try having that hang over your head when everyone else seems to be enjoying the holidays.  

I can't wait until it's my turn to be busy with changing diapers, or trying to find a sitter, or being stressed out because my child is sick, and freaking out because I have no time for myself.  I have no doubt these things are difficult but I welcome them.  I'd take that any day over living through what I feel now.  I just hope that I have a few close friends who will remind me of this when I start freaking out to them or posting complaints of facebook when I have a family.  Something tells me that the first few people who remind me of this will be the people who LEAST understand what I'm going through now.  I feel that my putting my thoughts out for all to hear is like condemning myself from never being able to complain or to have a bad day when (and if) I have children.  I'm sorry but living 28 months through testing, poking, prodding, uncertainty, sadness, guilt, anger, loss, embarrassment, jealousy, and grieving gives me a bit of a license to complain a bit from time to time.  Everyone is entitled to complain, but it's the people who complain about their life and kids that don't think before they say something or don't first acknowledge how lucky they are that bothers me.  

As the year ends, there is a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel.  Chris and I were one of the finalists for an IVF grant though a non-for-profit organization called Baby Quest.  We were one of 4 chosen recipients!  For me this is the most amazing thing...someone actually read, understands, acknowledges and is willing help with what we are going through.  I'm still not sure of what we have exactly won but it appears that we will be getting some help with medication costs (which can range from $2,000 to $6,000).  We will be responsible for the remaining $11,000 for the actual IVF procedure.  While this is exciting that our IVF is around the corner (I'm hoping for March), it's also a scary time too.  For those who've never dealt with infertility, they see this as only amazing and exciting and while it is, it's also horribly scary.  Obviously we hope and think IVF will work, but there's also a small chance that it won't.  It is NOT a guarantee.  I know this all too well with living through a few other failed procedures (IUIs) and 20some plus months of trying on our own.  It never gets easier. Ever.  And the more effort you put into it, the harder you fall.  This IS our last resort like any other couple who seeks IVF.  There ARE no other options for us to have a biological child.  Sure, we could try again, but coming up with $15,000 again isn't easy.  Sure we can adopt, but that also costs $20,000 to $30,000 too.  Besides, even though I may have a baby by the end of it, I'm am definitely NOT looking forward to juggling work and doctors' appointments 3 to 5 times a week, shooting myself with needles, side effects of hormones, painful surgery to retrieve eggs and having strangers invading my personal life and body.  I know going through this is essential but something about a foot long needle up my who-ha to retrieve eggs doesn't seem like fun to me and THAT is why I have mixed feelings.  But bring it on because I'd rather try and not succeed than not try at all.  What I could get out in the end will be my greatest reward. 

Yesterday, for the first time in awhile I cried tears of joy....not sadness or frustration.  I almost forgot what it felt like to be genuinely happy and excited about something.  I received a voicemail from a woman at BabyQuest... if you've read my past few blogs I mentioned applying for a grant that could assist Chris and I with IVF costs.  Never in a million years did I think I would be considered.  In fact, I  failed to apply to another grant because I thought our chances were too slim.  While at times it seems I'm the only person going through this, I know there are hundreds and thousands of couples struggling with the same hardships we have....some less fortunate than us.  Needless to say I did apply and put a great amount of effort into my essay and wrote straight from my heart (as cheesy as that sounds).  I don't know if it was our letter, the pictures of our "kids" (our cats) we included in our application packet, or our situation but they chose us as one of the finalists!  I wish I could say how many people we were chosen from, but even if it's 10, it's still an honor to be considered.  Chris and I are just your average couple....but a couple who desires children so badly.  I hope they can see that.  We have to finish our final application statements and I suppose should be hearing back within a few days or weeks about the results.  It almost feels like the "two week" wait again (the wait time after a procedure to find out if your going to be parents).  

Like most couples, long before Chris and I first married we talked about children.  I was in NO rush and neither was he.  As we evolved as a couple, settled in our careers and become more responsible we decided it was time.  At the time we started trying I was 32 and Chris was nearly 40....we are over 2 years older and now MUCH wiser as we've learned alot about people, love and life.  Sometimes I get nervous because Chris is over 40 and we are just starting to have kids.  Despite all my practice, my face STILL must drop several inches when people ask me if I have any kids.  My hope is for both of us to be healthy and around for our children.   Compared to most of my friends, I have older parents myself and I know how hard it can be.  The past few years my dad has been sick and in and out of the hospital literally dozens of times each year.  All I ever wanted was for him to meet my kids, to have them know who he is, and to take them fishing.  All of my 7 brothers and sisters have kids and have all had that opportunity; I wish they realized how lucky they are.  In fact, some of my nieces and nephews already have kids and they too have had chances I may never get.  A few months back when we all thought we almost lost him, he promised me he'd be around to take my kids fishing.  Since then, he's been in and out of the hospital a few more times and it makes me wonder if he'll keep his promise....I know it's a promise no one can keep.  

Another funny thing is that I only ever wanted ONE child...my career and freedom always seemed more important.  It's funny how things in life change.  When I think about our family getting together for the holidays and how much I care about my siblings, I want that for our children.  But considering Chris's (and my) age and difficulties conceiving, I wonder if that will just be a dream or reality. Honestly, at this point all I want is one baby to love, teach and care for. 

Please send positive thoughts and prayers our way while these member decide the worthy applicants.  I'm trying to be optimistic (something that doesn't always come easily), but then it hurts harder when you fall.  All I can do is hope and pray.  With or without them we will eventually try our chances at IVF, but it sure would be a great Christmas gift if we were chosen.  The past two Christmas's I've just barely survived at times so it would be a nice change.  While they can't help with the emotional strain infertility can cause, it' nice that some of our financial strain can be eliminated....angels come in all shapes and sizes after-all.

Holiday season is right around the corner and based on last year I already knew this would be a hard time for me.  I just didn't think the disappointment would start so soon.  I've been really good lately at forgetting about our problem and my feelings. I'm basically trying to live life like we did before infertility became a common household word...if that's even possible.  I've started a new job and that's been a welcoming distraction.  It has good and bad parts.  First, if we are ever blessed with a child I live and work within 5 minutes of each other.  There's a daycare right down the street that I hear fine things about.  I try not to look at it on my commute because it's just another reminder.  The bad part is that since I just started, I can't be taking off so many days so soon.  It's puts a damper on our IVF planning for now.  Also, not that I'm being judgmental, but I now work with all men (my previous job I worked with wonderful supportive women). This is not a subject where you want to bring up as an ice-breaker, that's for sure.  While so far, my current male co-workers are great people, I don't yet know them on a personal level and am not sure how understanding they would be. In my years of working, it's been my experience that men do not mix work and family life alot...work is business only.  For myself, I'm happier and more productive if I know that my boss and co-workers care about me and have my best interests in mind....as long as I do my job of course.  I know this job is a good career  move for me, so I must be patient and hopeful that all will work out.  

Our original anticipated date for IVF would have been this month, however I felt it best to  hold off in case all didn't work out in our favor.  I can't image trying to live through an IVF failure, after spending all that time and thousands of dollars during the holiday season.  Now, due to my new job I am on a 90 day probationary period....meaning it's not advisable to be missing work all the time for medical appointments.  I like it there and hope to also make a good impression.  So that now leaves us with the new anticipated time of March.  Come hell or high water, I'm not letting anything postpone our dream any more.  I've already lived through 27 consecutive months of disappointments...something no one can understand unless you've lived it.  Also by then we should have our grand total of $14,000 saved!  That seems like alot of money....and it is for us, but it will be priceless if it works.  If not, then a year of savings and sacrifices is basically thrown down the toilet.  

Like I was saying, the past few months have seemed almost "normal".  I don't have the day to day reminder of taking medication or injecting myself with needles or going to the doctor for poking and prodding 4 to 5 days a week.  I've even had the courage to hang out with a few friends and their babies.   I've also had to try to act "normal" around a few of my pregnant friends.  It's not an easy task, but gets a little better each time.  It's hard to live with mixed feelings of anger and jealousy when you genuinely want to be happy for their fortune.  Even though it brings up so many painful feelings for me, I also don't want to miss out on the lives of people I care about.  It's a hard balance...sometimes I do well and sometimes I end up crying alone when I get home.  That's the breaks.



 

Writing the most important letter of my life!

The past few days  I have been sitting down at my computer to write an essay about infertility. Chris and I are applying for an IVF grant with an organization called Baby Quest.  I've gone to college and grad school and have written countless essays.  I've written essays for school, to get into school, to apply for a job...you name it and I've written it.  Writing and English were one of my best and favorite subjects.  So why am I having such a hard time?  I've always been somewhat of a perfectionist but I want this to be PERFECT.  I NEED this to be perfect.  It seems like I am writing the most important essay of my life since it could affect our future in so many ways.  

The grant allows us to ask for as much or as little money as we need.  I like this organization because it's not an "all or nothing" deal.  It allows us to contribute what we can (and I believe we should contribute).  But truthfully in my heart of hearts, I think we will not be chosen.  Chris and I are not rich by any means but probably make too much money compared to other couples applying for this gift.  Still, it doesn't hurt to try so I am giving it all my effort.  We have almost all of the money saved for the actual IVF procedure BUT are lacking the 5 to 6 thousand dollars needed for medication.  We are lucky to have decent jobs and I honestly thank God for that every day.  But saving money is still a slower task than we anticipated.  If winning this grant allows us to start our family sooner, than bring it on!  We definitely aren't old, but we also aren't getting any younger.  In my mind I keep hearing the doctor say: "at the age of 35, fertility decreases significantly for women."  Normally that wouldn't scare me but since we already have a diagnosable problem, it makes time seem of the essence.  

We have been trying to conceive for 25 months and have been in the care of a specialist for one year now.  A few months back when we were told IVF is our only option, the saving account began.  It's funny how things change....that savings account used to be our "travel fund".  We are still rightfully jealous of other couples who are worrying about money for home repairs, retirement, their child's education, etc.... we haven't had the chance to get that far and as weird as it sounds would die a thousand deaths to be in that situation.  At one point we were literally watching every penny we spent.  A $1.50 cup of coffee that I got once a week seemed like the end of the world if I spent it.  Now we are "middle of the road".  Our lives completely stopped and turned upside down for the past year because of infertility.  While having a baby is the single most important thing to us right now, our lives can't continue to stop either.  Infertility has already stolen so much from us: our sense of privacy, our intimacy, our money, our sense of feeling "normal" and healthy and in some way our relationships with others.  So we are still trying to be the "normal" Chris and Rachel (as best as can be) and are traveling, hanging with friends and having fun...but within reason.  

I think the thing I struggle with the most is how others perceive me....I try to make people understand where I am coming from but deep down I know NO ONE can understand unless you've lived a day in the life of us.  Because we are saving for a baby, I don't want to be judged for buying new shoes, for going out to dinner, for going on a vacation.  I don't think anyone is really judging me....maybe I judge myself because I do feel a little guilty for "acting normal" sometimes and doing some of things we used to do.  I know that money could go towards our baby, but our lives have been uprooted in so many other ways.  At this point, I need a little sense of normalcy and fun. Sometimes it's also hard for people to understand why we decline a dinner reservation or say we can't go overboard on Christmas.  If they only knew how awful we feel everyday and how much we are struggling to save money, maybe they'd cut us some slack.  Still, I know not everyone will understand what we struggle through.  I know this because I STILL hear comments like "what's meant to be will be" or "just have faith".  Those comments hurt as much as they did a year ago when people said them.  The truth is that "having faith" or "relaxing" (or whatever) will not guarantee us a family.  The reality is that many people with infertility never have children.  For the record, I hope everyone will prove my somewhat pessimistic way of thinking wrong.  

September marks the two year point we have been trying....without success.  Can anyone blame us for being sad, pessimistic, heartbroken, jealous and bitter at times after so many months of failure after failure?  Especially when for others, having children happens so easily and is often taken for granted.  It still stings when friends talk of their pregnancies and babies on social media, or worse, in front of me. How could it not?  But over the past year, both of us have grown thicker skin.  In just a few short months, I've grown so much as a person.  I do my best to no longer take simple things for granted and have learned to appreciate the things I do have.  Yet, I still want more....I want what everyone else in this world wants and that's to have children of my own.  

Despite all my "practice", it's still difficult to compose myself at times when people (often patients at work), innocently ask if I have children.  What do I say?  Usually, it's a simple "no, but we will one day".   (Often they gape at me when they hear my age and follow it with a comment of "well you better hurry up".)  REALLY?!@!  I am in the minority.  Most of them, as well as most of my friends and family already have kids...many of them at a young age.  Non of them could ever begin to fathom what it's like to not be able to have something you desperately want.  What I really want to say in response to this loaded question is "I've tried to have children, to have what you have and probably take for granted....for 24 long months.  I can't because we are infertile.  There is no way you could have any idea how painful that is."  Sometimes even the simplest questions can be heartbreaking.  So no, I am still not perfect and at times still become emotional around friends and family and even strangers, but for the most part I can deal on a much better level....at least in public.  I can finally make dinner dates with friends and their babies without bursting into tears.  I've come a long way and am a better person for it.

So where are we now?  Chris and I have been in a holding pattern for the past few months.  I must say, it's been nice to not be poked and prodded and in pain....something my husband takes for granted.  I still think of our situation several times a day, but while my life has been turned upside down from it, it hasn't been completely consumed by it lately.  When in the midst of taking medication with side effects (I still can't get rid of the 10 pounds I put on with the last rounds of meds) and rushing to the doctor 3 times a week before work, it's easy to let it take over your life.  We are taking a break for sanity sake....but also mainly because we don't have the $15,000 it takes for ONE trial of IVF.  Chris has been working alot of overtime and I've been working 3 jobs in order to save money.  We are almost up to our goal....if nothing goes wrong in the meantime.  The monkey wrench is that this October I'll be taking a new position at work and am not sure of how flexible my schedule will be.  Doctor's appointment are very frequent and many times last minute with just a few hours notice...not exactly the best situation to be in at a new job.  I am also debating if I want to cycle around the holidays.  Last Thanksgiving and Christmas were without a doubt AWFUL for me.  Everyone else was enjoying the holidays while I was getting a quick reality check into the life of infertility.  I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with that again.  If it's a success, it would be the best holiday ever....but if it's a failure, it could be the worst.  We don't have a plan B if our IVF fails, at least not yet.  We are taking one step at a time.  I am debating whether or not to cycle in November, December or January and have to weigh my options for each.  Only time will tell.....